I'm Fine With Immigrants, As Long As They're White!

Hopefully you made it past the above title and are reading this sentence right now. For the record, I ABSOLUTELY do not feel that way. The sad thing is, a lot of people in the United States do. From talking to a handful of extremely close-minded and ignorant people in my life, the general consensus seems to be "Come on over if your skin is light and you have a sexy accent, but if you're Hispanic, Middle-Eastern, or African then you're not allowed in." Since Mexico is attached to us, and the border can be easily traversed by foot, a lot of the hubbub surrounds Mexican citizens who illegally cross the border. Canada is right above us and also attached to the United States. I can guarantee you that there is a good quantity of illegal Canadians currently residing here. But it's OK right? Because they mostly speak English (albeit North Dakota-English, don't ya knowwwww?), have been wearing flannel long before hipsters have, love bacon, and most importantly, look American. Is Avril Lavigne even a legal citizen? I say it doesn't matter and we should deport her anyway.

Some Canadian humor to lighten up this post. I was born in Montreal and am a dual citizen by the way!

I know not everyone feels this way and that there are kind, open-minded people in this country who want nothing more than to have equality. However, every time I hear someone passionately complaining about foreigners, only to rave about how hip and cool people from Europe and Australia are moments later, a part of my soul dies (it's like destroying one of my horcruxes). White people with sexy accents are foreigners too. In fact, WE'RE ALL FUCKING FOREIGNERS. News flash: unless you're Native American, you're a foreigner. Yea, put that in your pipe and fucking smoke it.

And while I can definitely admit that illegal immigrants can take a huge toll on our country economically, is killing or imprisoning them really a viable solution? I ask this because some people do believe that it is. Here's a recent email I received from my father (who isn't the epitome of rationalization and fairness, as you know):

LET ME SEE IF I GOT THIS RIGHT!!!

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.
IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.
IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.
IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.
IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.
IF YOU CROSS THE U.S.BORDERILLEGALLY YOU GET
1 - A JOB,
2 - A DRIVERS LICENSE,
3 - SOCIAL SECURITY CARD,
4 - WELFARE,
5 - FOOD STAMPS,
6 - CREDIT CARDS,
7 - SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,
8 - FREE EDUCATION,
9 - FREE HEALTH CARE,
10 - A LOBBYIST IN WASHINGTON
11 - BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE
12 - AND THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY'S FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU DON'T GET ENOUGH RESPECT
 
I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION.


Naturally, I had to write back:

A lot of those countries listed are doing terribly economically and socially. Under normal circumstances, people like you think very poorly of countries like Iran, Afghanistan, and Saudi Arabia. Why would you suddenly want our country to be modeled after them?

Explain...


To which he responded:

Missing the point. Enter LEGALLY. 


And my final retort, with some editing from Sam:

Rather than suggesting all immigrants become legalized for the betterment of our nation, your original email implied that punishments (such as death and lifetime imprisonment) are justifiable when someone is an illegal immigrant and said punishments should be carried out in the U.S.

Love,
T


I tried really hard to maintain my composure near the end. I'm not sure if my anger is still palpable. My last response was originally this:

Your original email didn't imply that at all. It probably would've been better to write/send an email laying out how taking care of illegal immigrants is poorly affecting our nation economically, socially, etc. and also include a sentence stating that for these reasons, immigrants need to become legalized. Your email was bullshit Republican propaganda which implied that said punishments that occur in those other countries are justifiable and should be carried out in the U.S. You really think KILLING people or making them "disappear" is a viable solution for illegal immigration? If so, then I feel sorry for you.

Love,
T


I think cutting down the anger percentage was a good choice on my part. He FWDed it to my two cousins in California as well. I rarely ever speak to them (which I should do more of since the two of them, my dad, and myself are the only people left in the world with our last name). I can only hope they don't feel the same way and don't think that I feel this way either. I'm almost tempted to send a response back to the original sender, the elusive Holly, who I've never even heard of. I won't.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is, why can't we just accept all legal immigrants from all nations? Perhaps we could come up with a more informative legalization movement and an easier way to help those who are living here illegally become legal. I honestly don't think people like my father are against illegal immigrants so much as they are against non-white, non-English-speaking immigrants of all kinds. Again, not everyone feels this way. Not even all right-wing Republicans feel this way. The ugly truth is that there are a lot of people who do believe this. Far too many, in fact (one is too many if you ask me). This sentiment needs to be replaced with love and acceptance. Would any of us be here today if our ancestors or even us, personally, didn't receive love and acceptance in this country at some point? No. We'd probably be illegal immigrants.

What "The Human Centipede" And My High School Choir Have In Common

Mom, if you're reading this, please turn back now.


There, I feel better now that I have that maternal disclaimer up there. I don't think I could stand to look her in the eyes after I wrote a post that references The Human Centipede. When I went to IMDB to get the link for that last sentence, I noticed the actual title is "The Human Centipede (First Sequence)." Will there be a second sequence in our future? Since Harry Potter has now officially reached its end, I guess I do need a new movie series to follow (I kid).

"The Human Centipede" centers around a creepy douchebag whose main goal in life is to haphazardly sew women together in order to make a working centipede out of them. In the movie, which I have yet to see (the one star rating on Netflix isn't really swaying me either), he somehow captures three women and is able to make his centipede-y dreams come true. Don't ask me how he is able to successfully kidnap three women at once but hey, the female gender is just that helpless, amirite? EDIT: three people. There was a dude involved in the ass-to-mouth fun. In order to create THC (not referring to home-brewed weed here), he sews one woman's open mouth to the other's butthole and has them kneel on their hands and knees in a single-file line. Thus, with each meal the first lady centipede link consumes, she poops it into the lady link behind her's mouth, and so on down the line. Forever. Charming, right?

Upon hearing this description, it's natural to feel an intense wave of revulsion and anxiety. Go on, take your time to say "blehhhhhhh" aloud if you haven't already.

Now that that's taken care of, I'd like to state that I don't think being the Human Centipede would be all that bad. Before you freak out and judge my personal life, let me clarify: I don't think being the first in line in THC would be all that bad. Yea, I said it. Granted, I wouldn't choose to poop into some girl who was sewn to my butthole if I had the option, BUT, if I was forced into a THC-y situation, you best believe I'd volunteer myself to be the head car. If you ask me, that's the best seat in the centipede house.

Like this, except not at the Sears portrait studio.
Picture me as the little boy in front: soaking up all the
pleasure without giving a single fuck.

At this point you're probably asking yourself, "But Taylor, what does this have to do with your high school choir?" The answer? Massage trains. Each day, before we started warming up our vocal cords, our instructor thought it would be beneficial for us to warm up our bodies. Since we were in rows, we would start by turning to the person to our right and massaging their neck and shoulders. Then, we would turn the opposite way and massage the person to our left. This was to ensure that everyone both received and gave a massage at some point. If we didn't change direction, there would be someone in the front who was getting the wonderful pleasure of a tension-reducing massage without having to do any massaging themselves. This, my loyal readers, is the philosophy behind choosing to be the first centipede link. However, instead of giving the person behind me a mouthful of human shit, I was receiving a wonderful massage from a 16 year old peer.

So, if you're ever kidnapped with two of your besties and told that you're going to be sewn ass-to-mouth-to-ass-to-mouth, don't freak out. If you remember what you learned from high school choir massage trains (or girl scout camp massage trains or interpretative dance class massage trains...) and make your way to the front of the line, the future may be that much less like 2 girls 1 cup brighter for you.

How To Lose 60 Pounds Like Now

Let me start this off by saying that I'm not a doctor (although I do like limping, being grumpy, and pretending to be House sometimes). I am also not a chef or a personal trainer. If you don't want to take weight loss advice from me, then don't. If you want to listen to advice from a reputable source, turn away now. I am only writing about what worked for me personally and may, very well, work for you too. Being heavier or overweight does not an unhealthy person make, BUT if you feel sluggish, lethargic, and just generally not healthy, like I did before I lost the weight, then it's probably time for a change.

I used to eat shit. Not literally, because that's gross. I mean I used to eat food that was horrible for me. I didn't skimp on the portions either, let me tell you. I didn't lift a pinky finger to work it off via exercise either. I was literally the perfect example of an unhealthy person. I had tried a million times in my life to go on a diet and lose the weight as fast as possible, but nothing ever stuck (for obvious reasons). I tried Atkins, South Beach, Slim Fast, Weight Watchers, Hoodia spray (yes, this is real life), and God knows what else. I was around 140 lbs throughout high school (and at 5'7", that's right where I needed to be). After freshmen year of high school finished, I steadily gained a couple pounds as each year went by. I ballooned even more in college (more like freshmen 40 for me) and, by the time I graduated NYU in 2009, I was 196 lbs. The day I stepped on the scale and saw that I was 4 lbs away from being 200 lbs, heavier than my FATHER, was the day I decided to change my life.

See the wording I used up there? I'm not talking about a temporary diet to get rid of all the weight only to have me gain it back a couple of months later. I was talking about a full-blown, thought-out, lifestyle overhaul. Here's some advice on how to eat and get your exercise on if you want to do what I did:


Fewd:

♥ Use this website to track your daily calorie intake and your daily activity output. Make a profile based on your height, weight, age, sex, desired weight goal, desired weight goal date, and activity level. The website will then give you a daily net calorie intake that you should meet in order to meet your goals. Mine is somewhere around 1,200 so I just try to eat that amount per day or, eat more than that amount, and then exercise off the difference. It's basic math! There are about 3,500 calories in a pound. If your calorie intake to maintain your current weight is 2,500, and you have a net calorie intake of 1,500 per day, you should lose a pound in three and a half days (this isn't always exact though, given factors like bloating, water-weight, and digestion).
♥ Eat TONS of vegetables and fruits. Mountains of them.
♥ Eat protein and carbs too, but be careful. Only eat lean meats (shrimp is VERY low-calorie and high-protein, for example) and complex/whole wheat carbs (no white bread, white pasta, etc.)
♥ Snack like a mofo, but snack smart. Berries, nuts, cups of green tea, celery, baby carrots, and pretzel twists are all your friend. You can even eat things like goldfish crackers but just make sure you dish yourself out a serving size (for example: there are about 55 goldfish in a serving so, dish out 55 exactly, then put the rest away and whatever you do, DO NOT GET MORE).
♥ Portion control! Eat all of the lower-calorie things on your plate first (soup, salad, veggies, etc.). This will help you get full and consume less calories than you normally would. Also try to leave some on your plate. If you were conditioned by your family to eat ALL THE THINGS (like I was), this can be hard. Don't forget to pay attention to serving size. Boxes of mac n' cheese look healthy at first glance with only 250 or so calories, but then you notice that is for each serving and there are 2.5-3 servings per box. That whole box of mac n' cheese is near 700 calories! Be careful of sneaky food. Ice cream is sneaky with serving size too, but you shouldn't be eating that anyway (sorbet or frozen yogurt is your BFF).
♥ I'm lazy and a horrible cook, so I bought/buy a lot of frozen/pre-made meals. As always, be wary of the calorie content. Another thing to pay attention to is the sodium. Sometimes, it can be through the roof on healthier frozen meals like Lean Cuisine because they want to try to add some flavor without adding the calories. As a rule, I like Amy's brand foods for pre-made purposes and have found that their meals are generally better calorie, ingredient, and sodium-wise than other leading brands.
♥ Fat-free, low-fat, sugar-free, low-calorie, and zero calories are key words to look for when shopping for or ordering food. Look for these options on all the food you buy. They help save random calories and usually don't compromise taste/flavor TOO much. Although you shouldn't drink soda, I can't help myself because I love the fizzy garbage. If you're like me, go for the diet option. You'll be consuming 0 calories rather than about 100 calories per 8 oz glass (not to mention the out-of-control amount of sugar). Do yourself a favor and don't drink your calories. It's a waste!
♥ The following foods, in moderation, are always on my grocery list. They are amazing for you and should be your go-to food choices: whole wheat pita bread, hummus, Dreamfields' whole wheat pasta, low-sodium pasta sauce, whole wheat, low-carb bread (Weight Watchers makes a decent one) OR whole wheat sandwich thins (Arnold's and Pepperidge Farm make them and it's only 100 calories for two slices of bread), celery, cucumbers, berries, bananas, fat-free greek yogurt (flavored or unflavored), Laughing Cow cheese wedges, light Babybel cheese wheels, pickles (I LOVE pickles), any lean meats (chicken, shrimp, turkey, tuna, etc.) to grill or use as cold cuts in sammiches, brussel sprouts (cook on a baking sheet with a bit of olive oil, salt, and pepper at 400 degrees for 35-40 minutes or until golden and crispy on the outside), quinoa, chicken sausage (comes in many flavors), sugar-free JELL-O, Boca or Morningstar veggie burgers and "Chik'n" patties (not the BEST ever for you, but low-calorie and filled with protein), Skinny Cow ice cream bars, and much more!
♥ All of the above being said, LIVE A LITTLE. If you force yourself to quit everything cold turkey and never eat the things you love, you will end up binging and ruining your new lifestyle. If you want a cheeseburger, have it. If you want a piece of pizza, have it (and savor it!). Having something when you really want it will prevent you from going apeshit and ordering a whole pie, alone one night, and eating the entire thing to the face. Also, let yourself have a taste of a friend's less-healthy meal when you go out to eat. You'll still get to try the higher-calorie flavors that you love without the effects and possible weight gain of eating something unhealthy.



Essercise:


♥ I HATE working out, but it must be done. Deal with it.
♥ If you're heavier and not used to working out (and you can afford it), the Wii Fit is an amazing way to get started. I used the Wii Fit for the first four months of my life overhaul. The hula hoop workout will change your life (and you'll look SO STUPID doing it).
♥ After that, I needed something higher-impact, so I started running. In the beginning, it will be very hard and you'll walk a good chunk of the way. Force yourself to run a little bit further each day. Eventually, you'll be able to run about four miles (or more!) every day and it's an amazing workout.
♥ To switch it up, I would sometimes run up and down all of the flights of stairs in my apartment building for about 30 minutes. Running stairs REALLY works you out. Trust me.
♥ When winter hit, I needed something to do indoors so that I didn't freeze my ass off running. Jillian Michaels' 30-Day Shred is an amazing workout for someone who needs something high-impact but doesn't have a lot of time. It is only 30 or so minutes long but it fucks. your. shit. up.
♥ Weight-training, free-dancing, and jump-roping are good ways to get a workout without having a set "routine" and also to switch up your current workout.


Results:

Before (early 2009): 196 lbs

After (late 2010): 136 lbs

I'm a size 6 in jeans now. I used to be a size 16! I'm still trying to lose a bit of weight nowadays, but the important part is that I'm finally at a healthy weight for my height and I have infinitely more energy. I partially wrote this post to remember where I came from and hopefully get myself back on track health-wise. But, for the most part, I wrote it to help other people that are like 2009 Taylor get healthy on their own terms and change their life for the better. As always, If you have anything weight loss-related that you'd like to ask me or need clarification on (again, I am not a doctor or a specialist and can only give my opinion and advice based on my journey) hit me up in the comments or here.