Celebrities I Hate and Why I Hate Them

I like to believe that each and every person on this planet has at least one celebrity that they hate with a fiery passion. Just hearing this person's name sends you into an emotional and irrational tirade about how you'd wish they'd just pass away. Your rage is almost palpable and even you're a bit unsure as to why your freaking out so much at the mere mention of this person. Below are some celebrities who do that to me.


Natalie Portman

I can only assume that she spends the majority of her free time shoving pretentious books directly into her anus and eating organic grapes that are fed to her by Harvard alums. Her personality is one of someone who shits strawberry soft serve and her acting is nothing short of boring. I was begrudgingly dragged to see Black Swan in theatres where I sat for two hours and watched the most predictable, self-indulgent piece of pseudo-hipster, man-boy fodder that I've seen in years. Closer was her only tolerable film but then again, I was able to distract myself from her "look how free spirited and quirky I am" nonsense and watch Julia Roberts, Clive Owen, and Jude Law do their thang. I tried to watch Garden State twice and fell asleep both times. Putting Zach "douchebag" Braff and Natalie Portman in a film together should be considered a federal misdemeanor.

There are plenty of other actresses I don't like for their general personality and acting skills, but Natalie took my hatred to the next level when she decided to defend Roman Polanski and barely speak out against John Galliano. She (along with a handful of other celebrities) signed the celebrity petition to let rapist Roman Polanski go free. Is he not a rapist anymore because you like him or because so much time has passed since he raped that young girl? Which one is it, Natalie?

She is also well-known for being incredibly outspoken about Israeli issues and some people have even started calling her a role model for young, Jewish girls. That's why I was so "disgusted and shocked" when all Natalie could offer up in response to the following Galliano statements was that she was "disgusted and shocked."

Said to a Jewish woman: "People like you would be dead. Your mothers, your forefathers, would all be fucking gassed."

"I love Hitler!"

Keep in mind, she is the spokeswoman for the fragrance that this Anti-Semitic piece of shit designs. Yes folks, he was her boss when these statements surfaced. I think you owe Jewish people out there a little bit more defense than just stating the fucking obvious.

Bradley Cooper

Pink shirts and bottle service; Bradley is that asshole at the club that everyone hates. He's constantly shouting for more jägerbombs and likes to keep everyone he knows privy to just how many figures are in his bank account. He's a huge fan of the "Steak and BJ Day" (which happens to be my birthday) and prides himself in how he uses $600 hair gel made from fresh placentas to keep his hair firmly in place. Is any of this true? Who knows. He could be a very nice guy who uses V05 hair products for all I know. I hear he does adorable things like keep hats and backpacks from the sets of movies he makes because he's whimsical and nostalgic. I don't believe that for a second. With a face like that I'd certainly hit it and quit it, but I'm not sure I'd ever be able to shake the feeling that I got baby oil into places I'll never be able to get it out of. Bradley Cooper is a complete slimeball and if that blind item about him beating his ex-wife is true, I'll never doubt my gut-feelings towards people again.

Beyoncé

In public she presents herself as relatively normal. At home, I wouldn't be surprised if you found her on all-fours pretending to be some sort of Tina Turner/Siberian tiger hybrid. Jay-Z probably wakes up early everyday to make her a smoothie of raw meat, diamonds, and his tears. She almost redeemed herself by being kind to Taylor Swift during the whole Kanye West 2009 Grammy fiasco, but I quickly forgot about all that the second I saw her wailing in another commercial trying to sell strands of her hair or some shit. Doesn't it seem sort of strange that the members of Destiny's Child were replaced every other day but Beyoncé never left? Have you heard of or seen any of them since they left Destiny's Child? I think it's quite possible that Beyoncé ate them to absorb their musical abilities. The only thing good that ever came from Beyoncé's existence in the Single Ladies Clown video. The end.

Gwyneth Paltrow, Chris Martin, and Apple Martin

She was born in LA but somehow has an English accent. I can relate because I was born in Montreal but I talk like a pirate.While I hate watching Glee because it is the worst show on television, I also love Glee and end up watching it every week. Gwyneth guest-starred on Glee for the past couple of episodes as "Holly Holiday," the alliterative and "just one of the kids" substitute teacher. On her last episode, she had the audacity sing Adele. Have you heard Adele sing? Have you heard Gwyneth sing? Is so, then there's really not much more I need to say. She should be ashamed of herself.

Coldplay sucks. Coldplay has always sucked. If you disagree with this, then you might also suck (seriously, you might). Chris Martin may not be the worst person in the world, but he is guilty by association for marrying Gwyneth and fronting Coldplay. You may say it's a bit fucked up of me to hate on a child. I might tell you that me no care. If you're named after a fruit, and Gwyneth Paltrow was the one who gave you that name, then I hate you. The only reason that Moses Martin has been left out of this is because Moses rules.



On the flip side, there are celebrities that can do no wrong such as Zooey Deschanel (makes cotton candy solely with her voice), Ryan Gosling (the sexiest male feminist in all the land), and Audrey Hepburn (involved heavily UNICEF before UNICEF was cool). But I'll leave that for another time.