6.03.2011

Going To The Gynecologist



If you're a prissy man who can't handle the thought of what goes on behind the doors of an OB/GYN, then turn around now. You're the same type of guy who goes "ewwww" when a girl even says the word "period," regardless of whether you're in English Grammar And Punctuation 101 with her or not. These are human bodies. Many mammals menstruate (overtly or covertly) but they can't go to the Gyno for obvious reasons (even though I'd love to see a hedgehog get a pap smear). Anyway, to those men, peace out and grow up.

Yesterday, I went to the Gyno (or cervix goblin, as I like to call them) for my annual exam. I had forgotten what a hoot it was (this comment is dripping with sarcasm)! It was my first appointment at this practice (I had recently decided to switch because my old Gyno was disappointingly run like a sweat clinic [hybrid of a
House M.D.
sweat shop and a clinic]). Either way, this was exciting because I got to sit down with Dr. Pilshchik and answer the intake questions (my favorite part). Do I smoke and drink? Sometimes. Do I have a boyfriend? Yes. Do I have AIDS? No. What am I allergic to? Biaxin and Benzoyl Peroxide. What happens when I use them? Gross hive-y things. Finally, she got to the last question: Do I have any pets? I love talking about my bunny and my cat, as you can tell. However, I'm a little fuzzy on what either of them have to do with my vagoo. My manager at work told me it probably is some Toxoplasmosis-related foresight if I were to get pregnant in the future (PLEASE NO, knock on ALL the wood). I honestly still have no clue why she asked me but again, it was a chance to gush about House M.D. and Shadow, so I didn't mind.

Me and my Shadow
At this point she brought me into the exam room where I got a pap smear and had my ovaries tickled and smushed (the scientific way to check for cysts). Let me just say now that pap smears suck every time. I don't even think I'd enjoy them if I was given an avocado and a glow stick to distract me during the procedure. That, and the stirrups are the most awkward things ever; they just make me feel so vaginally equestrian. Overall it was a quick, thorough, and satisfying (not like that) visit. If I were rating my Gyno on Amazon.com, she would get five stars.


On the off chance that there is some sort of virtual suggestion box for all OB/GYNs out there, I'd like to advise possibly finding another way to smear my pap that doesn't involve so much pinching and pulling. Also, why don't you cervix goblins sell sex toys? After all, this is a women's health facility, right? I feel like it would be extremely profitable for both parties if there was a room in the practice that was devoted to explaining and selling sex toys. What do you think? Am I out of line? Sam seems to think so, as he likened it to Proctologists selling butt plugs and Podiatrists selling foot fetish paraphernalia. I think I'm onto something though.


15 comments:

  1. i dont' think it's out of line! I just think it would also be a boon for proctologists...

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  2. It's possible, but let's start small, shall we?

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  3. 1) I miss you. (ps. its daythatsavedus)
    2) This was giggles to read (especially since I just got back from an incredibly boring an awful doctor's appointment).
    3) House M.D. looks like the most bitchin' bunnies of all bunnies.

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  4. Hey girl! How have you been? I haven't seen you around in ages.

    I'm glad you enjoyed it. I think every girl can relate to hating the doctor but knowing that you have to just go.

    And he is! He's never bitten me in the past three years I've had him. He's the sweetest thing ever.

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  5. Oh man, I hate going to the ob/gyn too but it seems you highly recommend this place and it's so close to where I live that I might be less stressed next time!

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  6. Yea you should definitely go to her! She's actually a very sweet and professional doctor. Definitely made the visit much more tolerable than others have.

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  7. "vaginally equestrian"
    I died.

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  8. Does your rabbit have no ears?? Please say yes! I've always wanted a pet with less limbs/body parts than it is supposed to have. Tail-less cats are THE cutest.. Although all 3 of mine have all their bits (Well, not THOSE bits.)
    Shadow looks identical to my cat, Rex.. I may blog about him soon, he's amazing.

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  9. You should blog about Rex! I think everyone should blog about their pets as much as they can, especially if they're cats.

    There definitely is something endearing about a no-eared bunny or a three-legged dog, but lucky for House M.D., he has all of his parts (except that one). He just folds his ears back flat against his head when he's curious.

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  10. Cervix Goblin..? Hahah! That's awesome. It's great to see you be pretty cool about things, really. It's a human function, of course, and it's nothing to be weirded out about. In fact, it's pretty convenient that there are OB/GYNs for humans, no?

    -Chelsea Leis

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  11. It's better to have gone to the gynecologist rather than regret anything, right? Anyway the process may be uncomfortable, but at least you know you are safe. BTW, your rabbit looks different. It looks like a little panda, and Shadow is a real cutie.

    Jennifer West

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    1. Thanks so much! I couldn't agree more. He does look like a Panda, right? It's the eyes haha.

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  12. Suddenly the topic has changed from Gynecologist to Pets :)
    Great :)

    Gynecologist Florida

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