How To Trick Yourself Into Feeling Clean Without Actually Showering

Happy mushroom farmer
This post is loosely based off of a conversation thread or two in my favorite exclusive Livejournal community, smash_club. If you shower regularly and are the picture of hygiene, than this post obviously is not for you. If you're like me and you find yourself too exhausted from work/school/farming mushrooms/whatever to clean your own body when you get home, then read on. Please note: I'm talking about skipping a day or two every now and then. For the most part, I shower every day. Don't start spreading rumors.

Spot Wash The Important Parts

I can't believe I'm saying this (my mom reads my blog for fuck's sake), but wash your bathing suit areas. This means your junk. All of your junk. No need to go crazy because then let's face it, you might as well just hop in the damned shower. Just take a damp washcloth and go for the gold. If you're feeling especially fancy, wipe down your armpits and neck too.

Change Your Clothes

The clothes you're currently wearing have, no doubt, absorbed some of your nastiness and filth by now. Change into something crisp and clean and the cycle will start anew. The detergenty smell of the new threads is guaranteed to make you feel a little bit fresher, at least temporarily. If you're too lazy to change your outfit, at least change your draws (drawers? I'm talking undies). It will make a world of difference.

Wash Your Face And If You Have Bangs, Wash Those Babies Too

If your face and crotchbutt are clean, you will also feel clean. This is just basic biology (or is basic biology more about mitochondria and phyla and shit?). Wash your face with cool water and soap. If you have bangs, like I do, give them a good shampoo in the sink. Boom! You are squeaky, Mr. Clean clean!

Dry Shampoo Is Your Friend

Spray that shit all over your nasty hair. I'll be honest, even when I'm showering daily (again, MOST OF THE TIME), I rarely wash my hair. I like to tell people that this is because my hair is extra thick and can withstand
Marie Antionette: another fierce lady who rarely showered.
the natural oil buildup and New York City street debris. This is true, but I also push the envelope a bit when it
comes to hair hygiene. Flip your hair to one side and then spritz it with the dry shampoo layer by layer. The dry shampoo absorbs some of the oil and gives your hair a bit of fluff. This is not really too noticeable though. What it DOES do is make your hair smell like product for the day instead of like ass tacos and shame.

So Is Perfume

Everywhere. Don't make me say it again. Just spray that shit. Perfume used to cover up the fact that people didn't shower often back in the Renaissance-y days, and it can help you do that today as well.

Braid Some or All of Your Hair Into Something As Intricate As...I Don't Know...Math?

You want it out of your face and off of your neck right? Well braid it! You can french braid (if you're skilled like that, I'm not), braid yourself a headband from the hair behind your ear, make a low braid and put it all back (make sure to take this out in the evening before it turns into dreadlocks from sheer filth volume alone), braid it all up and across your head like a little milkmaid, or even braid just the front section (this is technically a twist). Everyone will compliment your steady hands and dedication because everyone fucking LOVES braids. It's a fact. Not only that, all of the hair-related compliments will make you feel less soiled and more awesome. Troof.

So those are my tips. Am I a disgusting person? Probably. Is this relevant to my current cleanliness? I don't want to tell you (is that ass taco and shame I sense?). Either way, I hope these things are helpful next time you're feeling less than fresh. And I'm sorry for all the cursing, mom.

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  1. you wrote this because you are currently filthy.

  2. You make me feel good about my dirty ways. Dry shampoo, here I come.

  3. Haha I figured I'm not the only skeezy girl out there. I mean, Bachelorette Frog does exist for a reason.

  4. dry shampoo is my life saver most of the time :)

    claire, x


  5. I can't even express how hilarious I found "ass tacos and shame". It's probably not normal that I laughed for about five minutes and then continued sporadically giggling for another ten after that. My word. Also, I really need to get some dry shampoo. It always seems like such a great idea but I never see it anywhere. :(

    Cassie // Coffee & Chopsticks

  6. Thanks, Cassie! I'm happy to hear that the things I write here are actually funny to other people besides me.

    I got mine at the drug store! It's Tresemme brand. I think Sephora has a bunch too but they're pricier.

  7. I just bought the Tresemme dry shampoo! I have no idea how to use it, I'm about to Google that shit, hahaha.

    Thanks for the recommendation!!

  8. I kind of just flip my head around and spray like crazy until my hair smells/looks socially acceptable. Probs not the best way to do it though haha.

  9. I must say, these are all the tricks I use to feel clean! lol glad I'm not the only one!


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