|Happy mushroom farmer|
Spot Wash The Important Parts
I can't believe I'm saying this (my mom reads my blog for fuck's sake), but wash your bathing suit areas. This means your junk. All of your junk. No need to go crazy because then let's face it, you might as well just hop in the damned shower. Just take a damp washcloth and go for the gold. If you're feeling especially fancy, wipe down your armpits and neck too.
Change Your Clothes
The clothes you're currently wearing have, no doubt, absorbed some of your nastiness and filth by now. Change into something crisp and clean and the cycle will start anew. The detergenty smell of the new threads is guaranteed to make you feel a little bit fresher, at least temporarily. If you're too lazy to change your outfit, at least change your draws (drawers? I'm talking undies). It will make a world of difference.
Wash Your Face And If You Have Bangs, Wash Those Babies Too
If your face and crotchbutt are clean, you will also feel clean. This is just basic biology (or is basic biology more about mitochondria and phyla and shit?). Wash your face with cool water and soap. If you have bangs, like I do, give them a good shampoo in the sink. Boom! You are squeaky, Mr. Clean clean!
Dry Shampoo Is Your Friend
Spray that shit all over your nasty hair. I'll be honest, even when I'm showering daily (again, MOST OF THE TIME), I rarely wash my hair. I like to tell people that this is because my hair is extra thick and can withstand
|Marie Antionette: another fierce lady who rarely showered.|
So Is Perfume
Everywhere. Don't make me say it again. Just spray that shit. Perfume used to cover up the fact that people didn't shower often back in the Renaissance-y days, and it can help you do that today as well.
Braid Some or All of Your Hair Into Something As Intricate As...I Don't Know...Math?
You want it out of your face and off of your neck right? Well braid it! You can french braid (if you're skilled like that, I'm not), braid yourself a headband from the hair behind your ear, make a low braid and put it all back (make sure to take this out in the evening before it turns into dreadlocks from sheer filth volume alone), braid it all up and across your head like a little milkmaid, or even braid just the front section (this is technically a twist). Everyone will compliment your steady hands and dedication because everyone fucking LOVES braids. It's a fact. Not only that, all of the hair-related compliments will make you feel less soiled and more awesome. Troof.
So those are my tips. Am I a disgusting person? Probably. Is this relevant to my current cleanliness? I don't want to tell you (is that ass taco and shame I sense?). Either way, I hope these things are helpful next time you're feeling less than fresh. And I'm sorry for all the cursing, mom.
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