I'm Fine With Immigrants, As Long As They're White!

Hopefully you made it past the above title and are reading this sentence right now. For the record, I ABSOLUTELY do not feel that way. The sad thing is, a lot of people in the United States do. From talking to a handful of extremely close-minded and ignorant people in my life, the general consensus seems to be "Come on over if your skin is light and you have a sexy accent, but if you're Hispanic, Middle-Eastern, or African then you're not allowed in." Since Mexico is attached to us, and the border can be easily traversed by foot, a lot of the hubbub surrounds Mexican citizens who illegally cross the border. Canada is right above us and also attached to the United States. I can guarantee you that there is a good quantity of illegal Canadians currently residing here. But it's OK right? Because they mostly speak English (albeit North Dakota-English, don't ya knowwwww?), have been wearing flannel long before hipsters have, love bacon, and most importantly, look American. Is Avril Lavigne even a legal citizen? I say it doesn't matter and we should deport her anyway.

Some Canadian humor to lighten up this post. I was born in Montreal and am a dual citizen by the way!

I know not everyone feels this way and that there are kind, open-minded people in this country who want nothing more than to have equality. However, every time I hear someone passionately complaining about foreigners, only to rave about how hip and cool people from Europe and Australia are moments later, a part of my soul dies (it's like destroying one of my horcruxes). White people with sexy accents are foreigners too. In fact, WE'RE ALL FUCKING FOREIGNERS. News flash: unless you're Native American, you're a foreigner. Yea, put that in your pipe and fucking smoke it.

And while I can definitely admit that illegal immigrants can take a huge toll on our country economically, is killing or imprisoning them really a viable solution? I ask this because some people do believe that it is. Here's a recent email I received from my father (who isn't the epitome of rationalization and fairness, as you know):

LET ME SEE IF I GOT THIS RIGHT!!!

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.
IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.
IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.
IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.
IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.
IF YOU CROSS THE U.S.BORDERILLEGALLY YOU GET
1 - A JOB,
2 - A DRIVERS LICENSE,
3 - SOCIAL SECURITY CARD,
4 - WELFARE,
5 - FOOD STAMPS,
6 - CREDIT CARDS,
7 - SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,
8 - FREE EDUCATION,
9 - FREE HEALTH CARE,
10 - A LOBBYIST IN WASHINGTON
11 - BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE
12 - AND THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY'S FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU DON'T GET ENOUGH RESPECT
 
I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION.


Naturally, I had to write back:

A lot of those countries listed are doing terribly economically and socially. Under normal circumstances, people like you think very poorly of countries like Iran, Afghanistan, and Saudi Arabia. Why would you suddenly want our country to be modeled after them?

Explain...


To which he responded:

Missing the point. Enter LEGALLY. 


And my final retort, with some editing from Sam:

Rather than suggesting all immigrants become legalized for the betterment of our nation, your original email implied that punishments (such as death and lifetime imprisonment) are justifiable when someone is an illegal immigrant and said punishments should be carried out in the U.S.

Love,
T


I tried really hard to maintain my composure near the end. I'm not sure if my anger is still palpable. My last response was originally this:

Your original email didn't imply that at all. It probably would've been better to write/send an email laying out how taking care of illegal immigrants is poorly affecting our nation economically, socially, etc. and also include a sentence stating that for these reasons, immigrants need to become legalized. Your email was bullshit Republican propaganda which implied that said punishments that occur in those other countries are justifiable and should be carried out in the U.S. You really think KILLING people or making them "disappear" is a viable solution for illegal immigration? If so, then I feel sorry for you.

Love,
T


I think cutting down the anger percentage was a good choice on my part. He FWDed it to my two cousins in California as well. I rarely ever speak to them (which I should do more of since the two of them, my dad, and myself are the only people left in the world with our last name). I can only hope they don't feel the same way and don't think that I feel this way either. I'm almost tempted to send a response back to the original sender, the elusive Holly, who I've never even heard of. I won't.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is, why can't we just accept all legal immigrants from all nations? Perhaps we could come up with a more informative legalization movement and an easier way to help those who are living here illegally become legal. I honestly don't think people like my father are against illegal immigrants so much as they are against non-white, non-English-speaking immigrants of all kinds. Again, not everyone feels this way. Not even all right-wing Republicans feel this way. The ugly truth is that there are a lot of people who do believe this. Far too many, in fact (one is too many if you ask me). This sentiment needs to be replaced with love and acceptance. Would any of us be here today if our ancestors or even us, personally, didn't receive love and acceptance in this country at some point? No. We'd probably be illegal immigrants.

What "The Human Centipede" And My High School Choir Have In Common

Mom, if you're reading this, please turn back now.


There, I feel better now that I have that maternal disclaimer up there. I don't think I could stand to look her in the eyes after I wrote a post that references The Human Centipede. When I went to IMDB to get the link for that last sentence, I noticed the actual title is "The Human Centipede (First Sequence)." Will there be a second sequence in our future? Since Harry Potter has now officially reached its end, I guess I do need a new movie series to follow (I kid).

"The Human Centipede" centers around a creepy douchebag whose main goal in life is to haphazardly sew women together in order to make a working centipede out of them. In the movie, which I have yet to see (the one star rating on Netflix isn't really swaying me either), he somehow captures three women and is able to make his centipede-y dreams come true. Don't ask me how he is able to successfully kidnap three women at once but hey, the female gender is just that helpless, amirite? EDIT: three people. There was a dude involved in the ass-to-mouth fun. In order to create THC (not referring to home-brewed weed here), he sews one woman's open mouth to the other's butthole and has them kneel on their hands and knees in a single-file line. Thus, with each meal the first lady centipede link consumes, she poops it into the lady link behind her's mouth, and so on down the line. Forever. Charming, right?

Upon hearing this description, it's natural to feel an intense wave of revulsion and anxiety. Go on, take your time to say "blehhhhhhh" aloud if you haven't already.

Now that that's taken care of, I'd like to state that I don't think being the Human Centipede would be all that bad. Before you freak out and judge my personal life, let me clarify: I don't think being the first in line in THC would be all that bad. Yea, I said it. Granted, I wouldn't choose to poop into some girl who was sewn to my butthole if I had the option, BUT, if I was forced into a THC-y situation, you best believe I'd volunteer myself to be the head car. If you ask me, that's the best seat in the centipede house.

Like this, except not at the Sears portrait studio.
Picture me as the little boy in front: soaking up all the
pleasure without giving a single fuck.

At this point you're probably asking yourself, "But Taylor, what does this have to do with your high school choir?" The answer? Massage trains. Each day, before we started warming up our vocal cords, our instructor thought it would be beneficial for us to warm up our bodies. Since we were in rows, we would start by turning to the person to our right and massaging their neck and shoulders. Then, we would turn the opposite way and massage the person to our left. This was to ensure that everyone both received and gave a massage at some point. If we didn't change direction, there would be someone in the front who was getting the wonderful pleasure of a tension-reducing massage without having to do any massaging themselves. This, my loyal readers, is the philosophy behind choosing to be the first centipede link. However, instead of giving the person behind me a mouthful of human shit, I was receiving a wonderful massage from a 16 year old peer.

So, if you're ever kidnapped with two of your besties and told that you're going to be sewn ass-to-mouth-to-ass-to-mouth, don't freak out. If you remember what you learned from high school choir massage trains (or girl scout camp massage trains or interpretative dance class massage trains...) and make your way to the front of the line, the future may be that much less like 2 girls 1 cup brighter for you.

How To Lose 60 Pounds Like Now

Let me start this off by saying that I'm not a doctor (although I do like limping, being grumpy, and pretending to be House sometimes). I am also not a chef or a personal trainer. If you don't want to take weight loss advice from me, then don't. If you want to listen to advice from a reputable source, turn away now. I am only writing about what worked for me personally and may, very well, work for you too. Being heavier or overweight does not an unhealthy person make, BUT if you feel sluggish, lethargic, and just generally not healthy, like I did before I lost the weight, then it's probably time for a change.

I used to eat shit. Not literally, because that's gross. I mean I used to eat food that was horrible for me. I didn't skimp on the portions either, let me tell you. I didn't lift a pinky finger to work it off via exercise either. I was literally the perfect example of an unhealthy person. I had tried a million times in my life to go on a diet and lose the weight as fast as possible, but nothing ever stuck (for obvious reasons). I tried Atkins, South Beach, Slim Fast, Weight Watchers, Hoodia spray (yes, this is real life), and God knows what else. I was around 140 lbs throughout high school (and at 5'7", that's right where I needed to be). After freshmen year of high school finished, I steadily gained a couple pounds as each year went by. I ballooned even more in college (more like freshmen 40 for me) and, by the time I graduated NYU in 2009, I was 196 lbs. The day I stepped on the scale and saw that I was 4 lbs away from being 200 lbs, heavier than my FATHER, was the day I decided to change my life.

See the wording I used up there? I'm not talking about a temporary diet to get rid of all the weight only to have me gain it back a couple of months later. I was talking about a full-blown, thought-out, lifestyle overhaul. Here's some advice on how to eat and get your exercise on if you want to do what I did:


Fewd:

♥ Use this website to track your daily calorie intake and your daily activity output. Make a profile based on your height, weight, age, sex, desired weight goal, desired weight goal date, and activity level. The website will then give you a daily net calorie intake that you should meet in order to meet your goals. Mine is somewhere around 1,200 so I just try to eat that amount per day or, eat more than that amount, and then exercise off the difference. It's basic math! There are about 3,500 calories in a pound. If your calorie intake to maintain your current weight is 2,500, and you have a net calorie intake of 1,500 per day, you should lose a pound in three and a half days (this isn't always exact though, given factors like bloating, water-weight, and digestion).
♥ Eat TONS of vegetables and fruits. Mountains of them.
♥ Eat protein and carbs too, but be careful. Only eat lean meats (shrimp is VERY low-calorie and high-protein, for example) and complex/whole wheat carbs (no white bread, white pasta, etc.)
♥ Snack like a mofo, but snack smart. Berries, nuts, cups of green tea, celery, baby carrots, and pretzel twists are all your friend. You can even eat things like goldfish crackers but just make sure you dish yourself out a serving size (for example: there are about 55 goldfish in a serving so, dish out 55 exactly, then put the rest away and whatever you do, DO NOT GET MORE).
♥ Portion control! Eat all of the lower-calorie things on your plate first (soup, salad, veggies, etc.). This will help you get full and consume less calories than you normally would. Also try to leave some on your plate. If you were conditioned by your family to eat ALL THE THINGS (like I was), this can be hard. Don't forget to pay attention to serving size. Boxes of mac n' cheese look healthy at first glance with only 250 or so calories, but then you notice that is for each serving and there are 2.5-3 servings per box. That whole box of mac n' cheese is near 700 calories! Be careful of sneaky food. Ice cream is sneaky with serving size too, but you shouldn't be eating that anyway (sorbet or frozen yogurt is your BFF).
♥ I'm lazy and a horrible cook, so I bought/buy a lot of frozen/pre-made meals. As always, be wary of the calorie content. Another thing to pay attention to is the sodium. Sometimes, it can be through the roof on healthier frozen meals like Lean Cuisine because they want to try to add some flavor without adding the calories. As a rule, I like Amy's brand foods for pre-made purposes and have found that their meals are generally better calorie, ingredient, and sodium-wise than other leading brands.
♥ Fat-free, low-fat, sugar-free, low-calorie, and zero calories are key words to look for when shopping for or ordering food. Look for these options on all the food you buy. They help save random calories and usually don't compromise taste/flavor TOO much. Although you shouldn't drink soda, I can't help myself because I love the fizzy garbage. If you're like me, go for the diet option. You'll be consuming 0 calories rather than about 100 calories per 8 oz glass (not to mention the out-of-control amount of sugar). Do yourself a favor and don't drink your calories. It's a waste!
♥ The following foods, in moderation, are always on my grocery list. They are amazing for you and should be your go-to food choices: whole wheat pita bread, hummus, Dreamfields' whole wheat pasta, low-sodium pasta sauce, whole wheat, low-carb bread (Weight Watchers makes a decent one) OR whole wheat sandwich thins (Arnold's and Pepperidge Farm make them and it's only 100 calories for two slices of bread), celery, cucumbers, berries, bananas, fat-free greek yogurt (flavored or unflavored), Laughing Cow cheese wedges, light Babybel cheese wheels, pickles (I LOVE pickles), any lean meats (chicken, shrimp, turkey, tuna, etc.) to grill or use as cold cuts in sammiches, brussel sprouts (cook on a baking sheet with a bit of olive oil, salt, and pepper at 400 degrees for 35-40 minutes or until golden and crispy on the outside), quinoa, chicken sausage (comes in many flavors), sugar-free JELL-O, Boca or Morningstar veggie burgers and "Chik'n" patties (not the BEST ever for you, but low-calorie and filled with protein), Skinny Cow ice cream bars, and much more!
♥ All of the above being said, LIVE A LITTLE. If you force yourself to quit everything cold turkey and never eat the things you love, you will end up binging and ruining your new lifestyle. If you want a cheeseburger, have it. If you want a piece of pizza, have it (and savor it!). Having something when you really want it will prevent you from going apeshit and ordering a whole pie, alone one night, and eating the entire thing to the face. Also, let yourself have a taste of a friend's less-healthy meal when you go out to eat. You'll still get to try the higher-calorie flavors that you love without the effects and possible weight gain of eating something unhealthy.



Essercise:


♥ I HATE working out, but it must be done. Deal with it.
♥ If you're heavier and not used to working out (and you can afford it), the Wii Fit is an amazing way to get started. I used the Wii Fit for the first four months of my life overhaul. The hula hoop workout will change your life (and you'll look SO STUPID doing it).
♥ After that, I needed something higher-impact, so I started running. In the beginning, it will be very hard and you'll walk a good chunk of the way. Force yourself to run a little bit further each day. Eventually, you'll be able to run about four miles (or more!) every day and it's an amazing workout.
♥ To switch it up, I would sometimes run up and down all of the flights of stairs in my apartment building for about 30 minutes. Running stairs REALLY works you out. Trust me.
♥ When winter hit, I needed something to do indoors so that I didn't freeze my ass off running. Jillian Michaels' 30-Day Shred is an amazing workout for someone who needs something high-impact but doesn't have a lot of time. It is only 30 or so minutes long but it fucks. your. shit. up.
♥ Weight-training, free-dancing, and jump-roping are good ways to get a workout without having a set "routine" and also to switch up your current workout.


Results:

Before (early 2009): 196 lbs

After (late 2010): 136 lbs

I'm a size 6 in jeans now. I used to be a size 16! I'm still trying to lose a bit of weight nowadays, but the important part is that I'm finally at a healthy weight for my height and I have infinitely more energy. I partially wrote this post to remember where I came from and hopefully get myself back on track health-wise. But, for the most part, I wrote it to help other people that are like 2009 Taylor get healthy on their own terms and change their life for the better. As always, If you have anything weight loss-related that you'd like to ask me or need clarification on (again, I am not a doctor or a specialist and can only give my opinion and advice based on my journey) hit me up in the comments or here.

A Post For the Mens

Last night, at an outing with my work team, one of my co-workers told me that although he is not my blog's number one target group, he does read it and like it. That made the ol' noodle start storming with the possibilities of who/what my target group consists of: Avocados? Buffy? Ex-Sephora employees? My mom? Charmander? I couldn't conceive of a group of people that my blog would be specifically catered to, so I asked my co-worker what target group he was referring to. "Chicks," he said.

Now, although I like to think that I have a strong, devoted, hunky, male fan-base that isn't just my boyfriend, Sam, I am now entertaining the possibility that I could be wrong. So, without further ado, here is a post that's not about makeup, homemade sea salt hair spray, or gynecologists (cervix goblins) and is, instead, about the things that are really important in a man's world.


Ribs

Grabbing a rib from a giant pile on a plate and chomping the meat straight from the bone makes you feel like a strong, powerful lion (except lions rarely use plates). Ribs are delicious and  lots of animals have edible ones. Whether baby back, short, spare, or Adam's, ribs are always a delicious, manly treat. Without counting the wheel and fire, ribs are probably one of the most well-known caveman accessories (talking out of my ass at about 80 knots here [I'm not sure why I'm on a boat either]). Fact: Men can perform surgery on themselves, breaking off their own ribs which will then generate into a human woman.


Tom Selleck's Mustache

Need I say more?

Blowing Up Old Spice Headquarters

Picture it: Explosions that smell like pine and musk, people running for cover from "Playmaker"-scented smoke clouds and fire, you standing there, covered in soot and sweat, surrounded by dynamite. Albeit a bit on the dangerous and life-threatening side, blowing up Old Spice headquarters would surely earn you a spot in the Manliness Hall of Fame (which I just made up). You'll probably be arrested afterwards but hey, that's the risk REAL men take.


Hard Liquor Just

No juice. No soda. No tonic water. No vermouth. No. Fucking. Ice. I'm not talking about throwing it back in a little, baby 1 oz glass either. Ordering scotch, whiskey, bourbon, moonshine, or anything else that will burn like turpentine going down without anything to dull down the potency is the way to drink like a fucking boss. I did this once in the comfort of my own home and was immediately mistaken by one of my roommates as an alcoholic, male intruder. Two sips later and I stopped menstruating.


Owning Something That Could Kill People

Don't listen to your friends when they tell you that buying a gun, cobra, black widow spider, or machete is a bad/dangerous idea. If you own something that could kill someone, you call the shots. Why? Because if someone else tries to, you could murder them. A man doesn't sit back and let others steer the boat (the one I was on before, I guess?). He takes the wheel (paddle?) into his own hands and tells everyone else what to do. What better way to insure that this happens than carting around toxic pets or lethal weapons? I can't think of any.


Sweat

Picture it glistening on gigantic, hairy pecs. Go on, do it. Sweat is where it's at if you're a man. Fact: Most men actually conserve their own sweat and use it as bathwater biweekly. Pro-Taylor Tip: Deodorant isn't just for the underarms. Smear that shit everywhere if you sweat like a beast or just rub it on your forehead to prevent nasty, greasy, sweat-drenched bangs. If you're a man, ignore the above tip. Just sweat all over the place and don't give a single fuck.


Bear-Skin Rugs

So, you have your plate of ribs, you're Tom Selleck, you just blew up the Old Spice headquarters, you're drinking scotch in a fancy glass, you have an uzi and a box jellyfish at your disposal, and you're all hot and sweaty. So, what are you lounging on? You bet your ass you're lounging on a bear-skin rug. Nothing says "I'm a fucking man" like being in a complete state of relaxation on the hide of a dead carnivore. The only think better and more suited to the comfort of a true man would be if velociraptor-skin rugs were available. I sense a business venture!


So, now that I've captured the attention of men everywhere with this list and have about a zillion new male followers, I'd like to break the news to you that this list was complete bullshit. I have a vagina and I love all of the things on this list. In fact, there's probably nothing on this earth I wouldn't give up to have Tom Selleck's mustache on my face and a velociraptor-skin rug to stretch out my stems on. A couple makeup posts here and there does not a chick blog make. Let this be a lesson to you all!

Some of My Favorite Things

Normally, I'm a big grumpypuss (grumpipuss? grumpy-puss?) and it takes quite a lot to lift my spirits. Despite that, there are a handful of small things that will turn my day completely around or at least force a temporary smile onto my face. These things are as follows:


♥ Walking by an intensely air-conditioned store in the summer and feeling the cold air rush over me for just a second.
♥ Free food at a restaurant or store for absolutely no reason.
♥ When my favorite song EVER randomly comes on Pandora (It's not Colors of the Wind by Pocahontas. I SWEAR).
♥ Eating the tip/first bit of pizza, pie, and cake and the middle/last bite (filled with all the toppings and sauces) of a sandwich or burger.
♥ Finally getting in bed after cleaning all the things and looking around at a spotless room.
♥ Getting a hand-written letter from somebody in the mail! It rarely happens and brings me back to 1865...when I wasn't alive.

Hellooooooo!

♥ Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathons on Logo and the Twilight Zone marathons on Sci-Fi.
♥ Putting on face masks, kicking back, feeling like Mrs. Doubtfire (but hotter, I hope), grabbing a snack, and watching some TV.
♥ When my antisocial cat, Shadow, grooms the back of my hand and therefore proves she actually loves me.
♥ SAM.
♥ Seeing a good Before & After (I'm looking at you, Promise Phan).
♥ Three-way calling two of my best friends like we're 14 again. Except now that we're older, we don't pretend that one of us isn't there while the other asks the unsuspecting friend leading questions about the quiet spy friend.
♥ This is a rare one, but when I take a picture with someone, look at it afterwards, and I actually look nice instead of like this.
♥ My rabbit starting to recognize me as the "treat-bearer" and following me everywhere. This, at a quick glance, looks and feels like love, devotion, and friendship.
♥ Playing a word for a ridiculous, obscene amount of points in Word Feud and practically sealing the game for myself.


That's about it. Other than the things on that list, there's really nothing that can make this Debbie Downer happy (unless calorie-free cheeseburgers are invented).  >:(

DISCLAIMER: All of that grumpy business is actually not true at all. I'm generally pleased and easy-to-please unless you change plans last minute on me, break/lose something of mine, are Natalie Portman, are against abortion/women's rights/equality/evolution/gay marriage, kill kittens, etc.

Looking Back On Being An Embarrassing Daughter

I first heard the word "testicle" from Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. He exclaims "HOLY TESTICLE TUESDAY!" in response to the sexually-ambiguous Einhorn/Finkle entering a room. A couple of days later, after my dad hit a bump while pulling into an Exxon gas station, I shouted "HOLY TESTICLE TUESDAY!" as loud as I could from the passenger seat. I was seven years old.

This was one of about a hundred times that, looking back into my childhood, I have intensely embarrassed myself in front of my parents. Other awesome moments include listening to songs like If You Want It To Be Good Girl (Get Yourself A Bad Boy) by The Backstreet Boys and Give It To You by Jordan Knight alone in the car with my father. If you don't know what's wrong with this, please reference the below lyrics. I have taken the liberty to bold the important parts for you:


If You Want It To Be Good Girl (Get Yourself A Bad Boy
by the Backstreet Boys

If you want it to be wild, gotta know just who to dial baby (And that's me).
If you really like it hot get someone who hits the spot, Honey (oh yes).

Bridge

I found this when I Google-imaged "Backstreet Boys." Jury is still
out on whether or not it's real but either way, I LOVE IT.

And if you wanna get it done then you gotta get the one, the one who's got it goin' on.

Refrain
If you wanna make it last gotta know just who to ask.
Baby's gotta be the best (and that's me).

Chorus
If you want it to be good girl get yourself a... bad boy.
If you really want it good girl get yourself a... bad boy.
Get it like it could be (would be), yeah like it should be.
If you want it to be good girl get yourself a...bad boy.

If you like it innovative better get someone creative, Honey (yes).
And if you want it to be jammin' gotta get somebody slammin', Baby (oh yes).

Now listen:
These are things your mama shouldn't know.
These are things I really wanna show.
These are things I wanna show you how.
So won't you let me show you right now.
Oohh baby...


Give It To You 
by Jordan Knight

You say its been too long since you had some.
You say I turn you on, like a fire that's burning inside.
You think that I'm the one you see in your dreams.
I know what you mean yeah.

Refrain 1
It's creepin' around in your head: me holding you down in my bed.
You don't have to say a word.
I'm convinced you want this.

Chorus
Baby you know I can give it to you.
I can't deny you do it right.
Just let me know and I'll give it to you.
Just show me where, I'll take you there.

"Stingy" huh? Is he referring to how tight he is with money
or how the gonorrhea is making his balls burn.

Baby you know that I'll give it to you.
Your body needs a man like me.
Anything goes when I give it to you.
You know without a doubt, I'll turn you out.
I'll give it to you.
The feeling is fine, giving you everything of mine.

I'm the place to be and soon, you'll see.
I don't care who leads, as long as we move horizontally.
Anyone can make you sweat, but I, can keep you wet.

Refrain 2
It's creepin' around in my head: me holding you down in my bed.
You don't have to say a word.
Just relax, I'll do the work.
I can't wait to give you some.
I'm convinced you need one.

I want to satisfy your every wish and mine, baby.
I know just what you need, (you need) to get you off.
No one could ever do you like I do you right baby.
There's nothing we can't do...
The feeling is fine giving you everything of mine.


Here I am, 12/13 years old, having NO CLUE what any of those lyrics meant, rocking my shit to these songs with my father sitting right next to me, and he is listening to every single, overly sexual innuendo-ed word. When I think about it too much, it feels like my butt is trying to migrate north and eat my lower jaw...whatever that means. It feels like when you accidentally scream "HOLY TESTICLE TUESDAY!" in the car with your father at age seven and you have to sit there and listen, unexpectedly, to your father describe man balls in graphic detail for 30 minutes.

If you haven't noticed yet, my father had primary custody of me so most of these stories involve him. Another awkward habit of mine was always leaving the room when Jack and Sally kissed at the end of The Nightmare Before Christmas. I did this every single time my dad and I watched the movie together and claimed that I just had to use the bathroom. Truth is, I couldn't handle watching anybody kiss in front of my father from ages 3-16, regardless of if they were made entirely out of clay or not. Watching a movie that I had never seen before with my father during those 13 years was always a huge gamble; Would someone kiss someone else? Would the F-bomb be dropped? Would a boob be palmed? I never knew and so, I went to the bathroom very frequently when any sort of heightened emotion was expressed in order to avoid the aforementioned. This might be why I have trouble expressing emotion today, come to think of it, but more on my fragile psyche at a later date!

For now, I'm heading out of work early for July 4th weekend. I NEVER get out of work early. Wrapping up this post in a graceful and polite manner is infinitely less important than my leaving this office right the fuck now to go home and eat my weight in Trader Joe's Edamame Hummus. Peace and Happy Independence Day to all my fellow, stupid Americans! Eat all the cheeseburgers you can fit in your mouth.