Children's Movies Are Way Different Now That My Brain Is Fully Formed

So you're a bit melancholy and one of your favorite childhood movies is on TV. SCORE. There is nothing more comforting than watching something that was last seen through eyes that lacked responsibility, reason, and bladder control. You snuggle up with a stuffed animal and other cozy things like tea and fire and get ready to tingle from head to toe with nostalgia. But wait...what's this? Your favorite childhood movie is about...no it can't be...NAZIS? RIDICULOUSLY SEXY MEN? CAPITALISM? THE SUFFRAGETTES?

I'm talking about The Sound of Music and Mary Poppins. If you haven't taken a history class yet, please turn back now and enjoy your ignorant youth while you can. Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, let's move on. If children were rats (I've heard a lot of good points supporting this theory), Julie Andrews would be the pied piper. I was drawn to her voice like a moth to the flame (or a rat to the pipe, I guess?). Either way, I could not get enough of Maria or Mary, the creative singing babysitters. It's truly a shame that Julie Andrews blew up her voice with it's own awesomeness and can no longer serenade the world like old times. Her failed vocal surgery and subsequent limited-octave range undoubtedly caused most, if not all, of the natural disasters since 1997, but I digress (What else is new?).

Let's start with the Sound of Music, shall we? News flash: it wasn't just about children and singing and hills being filled with things. This movie revolved around the motherfucking Nazi invasion of Austria. Rolfe, Mr. "Sixteen Going on Seventeen" (Mr. Seventeen, for short), was a fucking Nazi tattletale douchebag. The wonderful concert held at the end? Do yourself a favor and rewatch that scene (I tried to find it on YouTube

I'm too sexy for World War 2.

for you but Julie Andrews hates sharing). Every member of the Von Trapp family is singing with sheer terror in their hearts to an audience of Führer-lovers. This is because they are all being held against their will and are desperately seeking a way out that ends in Captain Von Trapp maybe not becoming Captain Von Naziface. I guess he was so awesome in other wars as a captain that the the Nazi's wanted to recruit him? I don't know. It's not really clear. However, what is clear is how fucking FINE Captain Von Trapp is. My young mind never grasped this and thought he was just super mean and treated his children like dogs (which he does, but perhaps that can all be chalked up to PTSD and crippling loneliness). Also, raising six rats kids on your own has got to be a Goosebumps book or something. I would probably start using whistles and scare tactics to keep them in line too. Either way, I'd hit it like the fist of God.

Moving on, there's quite a lot of drama surrounding tuppence in Mary Poppins. Should it feed the birds? Should it be invested in a bank run by Dick Van Dyke in bad makeup? Obviously not the latter because the bank is a terrifying place filled with old, grouchy men and misery. These aforementioned grouchballs try to physically pry the tuppence out of young Michael's hand. I repeat: the bankers physically assault a child in order to make a profit. I translate: the bankers care only about financial gain and very little about the welfare of human beings. Sound familiar? I bet it does.

Not only that, the movie starts off with a wonderful song about the womens' rights movement. Have a listen:

I'm a soldier in a petticoat too, Mrs. Banks. But seriously, how fucking fierce is this bitch? I had no idea what this was even about when I was younger, let alone that there was a point in history where women weren't allowed to vote. Kudos, Mary Poppins, for being relevant to my interests regardless of what they are (dancing with exceedingly floppy cartoon penguins, disproportionate greed in the higher economic brackets, etc.) and no matter how old I am (I'm still interested in those penguins...).

This brings me to my final point, explain to your kids what is going on in these movies. Maybe times have changed and now that all children's movies are about riding adorable dragons and goofy talking Owen Wilsons cars, there really isn't any historical and political context for kids today to learn something from. HOWEVER, if you're plopping them down in front of a Julie Andrews' movie circa the mid-60s (and plenty other movies/time periods, I'm sure), then you owe it to them to be honest and upfront. If you leave it for them to discover on their own, you run the risk of raising a socially-unaware child who is furious with you in twenty years when they figure everything out themselves. I just wish I had someone to tell me how hot Captain Von Trapp was when I was seven.

How to Cure a Yeast Infection In the Most Delicious Way

Let me start off this post by saying no, this isn't about farming vaginal yeast to make artisanal bread and yes, you should not continue reading this if you have a twig and berries between your legs (you've been warned, gentlemen). Now, onto the yeasty goodness.

Vaginas are a bitch. One wrong move that disrupts the delicate flora, fauna, and merryweather (possibly fairies from "Sleeping Beauty" and not vaginal components), and you're off to the gynecologist to get your

What the yeast are up to in there. Science.

hoo-ha scraped and poked. If you're like me, you try everything you can yourself before you tell an adult.

Home remedies can be almost as complicated as putting on pants and actually going to the doctor. They can also be complete Whole Foods organic bullshit. You can read the testimonials all you want, but who can you really trust on the internet? Are you really going to rest ice cubes on your forehead to get rid of belly button lint just because some lady in Omaha swore by it? I did, and I still have belly button lint.

Anyway, yeast infections can be caused by the most innocuous things such as sex or antibiotics. I've heard even thinking too hard about yeast infections can cause yeast infections (turn back now). If you suspect that your vagina is being invaded by things that are better served in a winery, follow the steps below to get rid of them without even putting on pants!


Note: I am not a doctor. If you have the clap and do this, it will probably burn like the inside of Mount Doom and be completely ineffective. Check your symptoms here and only proceed with the whole listening-to-a-random-chick thing at your own risk.


1. If you're experiencing a lot of burning/soreness, I would first suggest going out to the store and getting plain yogurt (no sugar!), dipping a tampon in it, and inserting it into your junk like you normally would. The cool yogurt is very soothing and contains the natural probiotic bacteria that gets rid of yeast! Do that overnight and then proceed with the steps below. If you're just a bit itchy/not really burning a lot, proceed to step two.

Your new best friend. LYLAS, garlic!

2. Get yo'self some garlic. You want to use fresh garlic and you'll need anywhere from 2-6 cloves depending on how bad your infection is.

3. Take one clove and unwrap the paper-like layers off. Then, with a sharp knife, slice each side off very thinly so that what's exposed is the wet part (this is all very technical wording, I know). It's sort of like you're preparing a delicious Italian dish except not at all because it's going straight into your vagoo and there's no pasta involved (I mean, there can be if you start to feel peckish).

4. Take a needle and thread and poke it straight through the center of the clove. Pull it through so that both sides are about equal in length and then cut the needle off. Tie the thread in a knot around the clove as many times as you want. Just make sure it's secure because the last thing you want is to lose a clove of garlic in your vagina for eternity.

5. For the pièce de résistance, insert the clove into your snatch with the thread hanging out so that, when you're ready, you can remove it like a tampon.


Some Extra Info:

♥ It will probably burn like a bitch going in. That is complete normal albeit annoying. It will subside in about two minutes.
♥ Replace the garlic with a fresh clove every morning and every evening before bed. You don't want it getting nasty in there.
♥ The human body is a crazy bananas thing and during this process, you will taste garlic in your mouth and it will be SO FUCKING WEIRD. I actually discussed this on my first date with my boyfriend, Sam. I'm such a keeper, right?
♥ Try to refrain from sexy things until you're all cured. Unless your significant other REALLY enjoys garlic bread.
♥ This method works because garlic is a natural antifungal and antibacterial and will kill all dat yeast for you.
♥ As my friend Erol just pointed out, your vagina will also be protected from vampires. How's that for killing two birds?


Oh, and if you have some AZO Yeast tablets, Garlic tablets, and/or Acidophilus tablets (you can get all of these at your drugstore), take two of each per day. It also helps to avoid sticking sugary treats in your vagina. Good luck!

Band Review 17 Years Too Late: The Cranberries

Before you go saying "The Cranberries? Really? Weren't they popular about 300 years ago?," I suggest you stroll on over to their Wikipedia and educate yourself on the album they're going to release in 2012. THAT'S RIGHT, BITCHES. The Cranberries are back. Alright! ("Backstreet Boys" reference. Sorry).

Anyway, now that I've schooled you, let's move on. There's nothing like sliding in a few Cranberries songs onto a contemporary playlist to take it to the absolute next level and blow the toupées off of your balding friend's shiny heads. Most of you may know them by their numero uno hit "Zombie" which is unarguably one of the best songs ever recorded on the face of the planet. "Linger" and "Dreams" were also extremely popular in the 90s and admittedly, much less about bombs. Just listening to their dulcet banshee-with-musical-training-like tones conjures up images of Jordan Catalano being sexy yet difficult and Rex Manning putting the moves on girls way too young for him (the song "How" made its orgasmic appearance in the cult classic Empire Records). Just in case you're a musical fetus and have yet to experience the Cranberries in all of their glory, here are some Youtube videos of their greatest. Have a listen:

I'm not going to post the album-version of "How" because I firmly believe that you should just watch "Empire Records" if you want to hear it. They just don't make popular rock music like this anymore, do they? What would we compare the Cranberries to today? Hinder? Nickelback? Three Doors Down? I would rather die.

This karaoke picture was technically
taken during Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise,"
but you get the point.

Most of you reading this know who they are and have probably sang one of their songs at karaoke, much to the dismay of everyone involved. Let's face it, nobody can hit those awkward yodel-y parts quite like Sinéad O'Connor Dolores O'Riordan. Improve your life by simply downloading their albums and listening to them all the way through. If you're feeling particularly sexual and adventurous, add "How" onto your playlist right after "Gin and Juice II," but before "Judas." Trust me, you won't regret it.