Cats: Bionic?

Purpose:

My boyfriend is currently visiting his grandparents in Arizona and for the next couple of days, he'll be tied up playing shuffle board and eating prunes and other things of that nature. He has added me to his blog and asked me to write a guest post for him while he's away so that his blog doesn't remain sad and dormant. I think he wants me to infuse his techy blog with some immature humor. I also think he made the biggest mistake of his life.

I've decided to mix our two greatest passions together in order to come up with a blog post that will appropriately combine our interests. Sam loves machines. I love cats. So, naturally, this post will be a series of scientific findings (Sam also enjoys science!) as to why cats are robots.


Materials:

♥ One aloof, gray cat with a penchant for (purposely) vomiting and diarrhea-ing on people she dislikes (this includes an ex boyfriend, an ex roommate, a current roommate [Aidan, seen below with said cat], and Sam).
♥ http://icanhascheezburger.com/
♥ A phone with camera/video capabilities, a real camera, a camcorder, etc.
♥ Two Yak Bakwards'
♥ Snacks


Methods:

Much like how Jane Goodall lived with chimpanzees for science, this experiment requires you to have spent at least three full years living with a cat (Felis catus). You must go about your normal, daily routine but simply add a cat to the equation and observe it's behavior in your spare time. After the three year period is up, you can eat the cat. You can also keep the cat as a pet (recommended) and eat the snacks you prepared for your materials. Make sure to have your phone (camera, camcorder, picture-taking, video-making device) handy at all times in order to record traces of robotic glitches during these three years.You may use http://icanhascheezburger.com/ for scientific research on Felis catus. Finally, meet up with a friend and use the two Yak Bakwards' to record the reverse section in the chorus of "Work It" by Missy Elliot to find out what she's really saying.


Data and Results:

Example of robocat laser eyes: Shadow with my roommate, Aidan.

Also, the following videos which show clear evidence of mechanical malfunctioning:

Discussion:

As you can see from the findings above, nothing about cats is fucking normal or natural. In the first picture, Shadow demonstrates the laser cat eyes that have been documented with photographic evidence many times before. I've heard bullshit about how this has to do with some sort of reflective layer behind their retina called the tapetum cellulosum or tapetum lucidum, but I'm not buying it. I mean, what the fuck is a "tapetum" anyway? It sounds like scientists just added "um" to the end of some fictional words in order to sound legit and therefore, cover the fact that cats are dangerous, genetically-engineered, laser-eyed robots.

The subsequent videos support this theory even more with documented examples of feline self-mutilation, robotic noises, and sudden changes in complete facial structure. The latter is clearly a defense mechanism in order to camouflage the robocat using Mystique-esque, shape-shifting tactics. The other two are obvious examples of glitches in the robocat software; perhaps there is a short circuit or someone spilled a glass of water on the subject. It has now also come to my attention that both cats and machines historically dislike water. Coincidence? I think not.


Conclusion:

Cats are definitely robots (possibly from outer space but that is TBD since I still haven't found Shadow's spaceship BUT I WILL). They will most likely try to overtake mankind one day and we will all be royally fucked. Lastly, the backwards part of the chorus in Missy Elliot's "Work It" is just her saying "I put my thing down, flip it, and reverse it" again. Can you believe it?!