Accutane Really Does Work (Alternate Title: A Post Written By Captain Obvious)

I've been struggling with temperamental and sassy skin since I was about thirteen. Despite both of my parents having angel-skin, when I hit puberty my sebaceous glands exploded and acne began its dictatorship on my face. I tried the more accessible drugstore products first: Clean & Clear (more like Dirty & Pimply, am I right, ladies?), Neutrogena, Clearasil, I tried it all. Now I've come to believe that drugstore acne products are a conspiracy and that they never really clear up acne so that you're forced to keep funneling money into their products for all eternity (insert diabolical laugh), but I was thirteen then and my parents didn't care about my face, they cared about my grades - I took what I could get.

Around sixteen, my mom finally realized how distraught I was about my bubble-wrap face and decided to buy me Proactiv. "Get clear skin!" they said. "Solve all of your acne problems!" they said. Yea, if you're not allergic to Benzoyl Peroxide. I had to stay home from school for three days because my face swelled up about twice its normal size and was covered with a rough, red, alligator-texture rash. I was at my sexiest.

I thought it was a lost cause and so I spent the next couple of years slathering makeup on haphazardly to hide the blemishes. At eighteen, I moved to New York City to start as a freshman at NYU. I thought it wasn't possible for my skin to get any worse but BOY WAS I WRONG. It got so bad that I was finally forced to be an adult and go see a dermatologist. I was prescribed a course of Doxycycline, Clindamycin topical gel, and Retin-A Micro. And guess what? That shit WERKED.

Cut to a couple of months after the course of oral antibiotics was finished and my old friend acne had returned. My derm prescribed another course, and this cycle of success/represcribing a couple of months later when the acne returned continued until about a year and a half ago when the antibiotics stopped working completely. My pimples did a lot of scoffing and were very proud of themselves. For the time being - they had won.

This was taken right before I started Accutane and is a good indication of how shitty my skin had been for most of my life. This photo and all subsequent photos in this post were taken without makeup to give you the full picture. HONESTY, Y'ALL. REAL SHIT.

That was the first time my dermatologist mentioned Accutane. The only thing I knew about it at that time was that it was serious business and that it had a hilarious anti-pregnancy warning on the packaging. I was too nervous, he told me to research it a bit,

This is no joke the pregnancy
warning on Accutane. HILARIOUS.

and I was sent away with some useless topical cream to try. It didn't work (duh) and about two months later I came back to my derm for help. Again, he suggested Accutane, but a combination of sheer stubbornness and fear prevented me from saying yes. I left that day with a prescription face wash. During this time I even tried Benzoyl Peroxide again - rationalizing that I gave up too soon the previous time and that my skin just hadn't adjusted to the chemical (spoiler alert: I was still allergic). After yet another two months of agony, I came back in. "There's really nothing left to try at this point - except for Accutane," said my patient, tolerant, prince-of-a-derm. FINE. I'LL DO IT. JUST GET THIS SHIT OFF OF MY FACE. My response directly to him was a bit more polite. I also was not shouting (except internally).

I don't know if you guys know this about Accutane, but it is a pain in the ass to take. Before you start, you need to get blood taken to make sure all of your levels and potassium and sugar/spice and shit are on point. Then the doctor sends over an approval request to your insurance company, provided you have health insurance. The approval process takes about a month - then you need to come back in and get blood drawn to make sure you're not pregnant. This is because Accutane will cause you to have deformed Dawn of the Dead zombie babies. After the blood is analyzed, you come back in to see the doctor and get your first legit prescription for Accutane. However, before you can pick it up you have to go online and answer a series of condescending questions about your sexual activity (Is it OK to use condoms alone while on Accutane [as in, just condoms as birth control - not condoms for one]? Your significant other pulls out, is this enough [...to not have a baby]?). Once you make it through that Sex Ed pop quiz, you bring your prescription to the pharmacy (with your Accutane "I'm not pregnant" card - you think I'm kidding?) where you have a one-week window to pick up your monthly supply or else you have to redo EVERYTHING. And that's right, I said monthly supply because you have to repeat this process every month that you're on it.

So anyway, one month after that visit I'm sitting on the couch, about to take the first pill, when I start reading about Accutane's side effects. You thought WebMD was scary? What is this, amateur hour?! Accutane has been linked to arthritis, IBD (Chrone's disease, etc), kidney and liver issues/failure, chronic joint and muscle pain, depression, bipolar disorder, the disease from "Cabin Fever," and a hundred other terrifying things. I was frozen in fear and apprehension which quickly disolved into apathy as I took the first pill like the badass, taker-of-risks that I am (I'm not really a risk-taker, I was just so defeated and pretty much at the point where I'd live with an ouchy body if it meant not having pimples - I trust anyone who's had acne knows where my head was at).

Mid-way through my five-month Accutane treatment.

Starting about three weeks in and lasting the entire duration that I was on Accutane, I had chapped lips that could rival Khaleesi's when she was crossing the red waste (yea, I just did that), eyes so dry that they rejected contacts, and the strangest boogers, but other than that, I was actually fine. No aches, no pains, no major organ failure, and no flesh-eating rashes with Rider Strong (tying it back in to "Cabin Fever" here, people - try to keep up). Since my skin was super frail at this point (for example, you must avoid waxing as it will rip off the top layer of your skin - someone had to find this out the hard way, let's have a moment of silence for them), I switched my skincare regimen to the most delicate of products (LUSH's Ultrabland as face wash and Celestial as moisturizer) at the suggestion of my dermatologist.

Five months went by pretty quickly and although the process of getting blood taken, coming back a week later to get the prescription, answering pedantic questions, and then finally being able to get the medication was UGH SO ANNOYING - in the end it was 100% worth it. It's been a couple months since I finished taking it and my skin is only getting better each day. I haven't had to buy a blemish-related product since and my makeup has gotten steadily lighter and lighter. For the first time in my life, this past weekend, I ventured into public without any makeup on. I couldn't be more pleased.

Taken about a month ago and about a month after finishing Accutane. Again, no makeup here. MY EMOTIONS.

In terms of the side-effects, I got lucky. If you're interested in taking Accutane, please check with your dermatologist and go through the necessary smart-person steps before doing so. It is a serious drug and should be taken responsibly, under the watchful eye of a licensed doctor, and only after other attempts have failed you miserably.

Let me know if you have questions? I guess?

Product Review: Lush's Ultrabalm

I don't know why this post and my last post have both been so review-y. Maybe I'm under the illusion that people care about my opinions. Either way, I might review more shit in the future so hopefully these types of posts are tolerable.

I went to Sephora the other day to buy new makeup because I finally realized that the MAC Studio Fix Liquid Foundation I was wearing was a couple shades too dark and extremely cakey. I was expecting to go into Sephora, grab something by Make Up For Ever, and bounce (especially since I'm extremely awkward and avoid the sales associates like the plague). However, a very friendly Sephora employee, named Adrianne, approached me while I was trying to shade match myself for Make Up For Ever Duo Mat Powder Foundation and decided to go above and beyond the call of duty (haha doodie). After consulting with me about my skin type, she removed all of my makeup (she could tell I was really uncomfortable doing that, but was very supportive and told me it would help her find the best makeup for me), and told me she was going to try the Laura Mercier Oil-Free Tinted Moisturizer on my face. I had heard wonderful things about this product before and had actually considered getting it, so I was pumped. After she put some on with a pretty, fluffy brush that I ended up buying (sucker...) and added some Benefit Boi-ing Concealer, my skin tone was even and all of my small imperfections were covered up completely and naturally. I have very oily skin, so I have to wear a powder on top of the tinted foundation to set it so it doesn't slip off of my face, but other than that, it is absolutely perfect for me. And my face finally matches my neck!

Anyway, I kind of told you that little story so that I could segue into my next story. While she was taking off and putting on my makeup, the sales associate noticed that the area around my mouth, under my nose, and around my eyes was very dry and almost flaky/scaly. This was completely new territory for me because I have always had the oiliest skin ever and have never once had to deal with dry patches. I had thought that the flakiness was due to the cakey MAC foundation, but it was actually super dry skin! I was sent home with some Boscia exfoliator and a sample moisturizer to remedy my meth face. Unfortunately, despite the exfoliator and moisturizer making the rest of my skin radiant and smooth, the aforementioned areas were still dry and flaky. I was at a loss.

I started brainstorming yesterday in the late afternoon and remembered how I've heard a lot of people say Vaseline really helps them get rid of super-dry patches of skin. I didn't want to buy anymore things in case they didn't work so I thought a bit harder. Then, I remember that I had bought a mini tin of Lush's Ultrabalm from a very convincing sales lady (Lush sales people are simultaneously the best and the worst) about two months earlier. The mini tin was only $2 and I could bring it back in, empty, for 10% off (or something similar) the regular-sized Ultrabalm. Before bed last night, I slathered the balm on my upper-lip/under-nose area and all around my eyes.

This morning I woke up with perfectly smooth, flake-free skin. It was that simple and only took one night and $2 to fix. When I first bought Ultrabalm, it was described to me as "Lush's version of Vaseline, but without all of the crap in it and BETTER." That's exactly what it is. With an ingredient list solely of organic Jojoba oil, Candelilla wax, and Rose Wax, this is a must have for anybody with dry skin or anyone who has oily skin and discovers that their mouth is freakishly dry one day. The full size is $12.95 and a little bit goes a long way. Why are you still reading my post? GO BUY THIS SHIT.

Artist Review: Adele

I'm really just making this post because I have absolutely no idea what to write about and just want a platform where I can rave like a banshee about Adele. Before this, I spent about ten minutes trying to write a post combining science and sandwiches, but then I realized that I had no idea what I was talking about and am just really hungry/wanted to include HD pictures of sandwiches in a post. To fulfill the latter desire:

Get in mah bellay!

Now that I've been placated, let's talk about Adele. I have no idea where she came from, but it seems like I blinked my eyes and her complete discography was all over the radio and everyone and their mom knew who she was. Prior to finding the spotlight, Adele was hurt bad. I mean real bad. That, or she is extremely creative and imaginative because almost every song's message is "I love you but ow, my heart" or "You really cut me deep and now I'm going to fuck up your shit." Her voice is like an angel's wet willie and I find myself listening to her albums on repeat. I also find myself singing with her, full blast and pants-less, in my room at 1:00am on a Sunday night (Monday morning?). But that's a different story. Her single, Rolling In The Deep, sounds like Etta James or Tina Turner but BETTER (yea, I said it). I have yet to have a negative reaction to my semi-fascist force-people-to-sit-down-and-listen-to-Adele sessions.

On top of all her mad harmonious skillz, Adele is just an awesome person. She is a curvier lady who does not give a single fuck about the beauty standards of society and the pressure that is put on her in the music industry to look a certain way. Below are some of Adele's most fabulous, body-positive quotes:

FUCK. YES. Reading stuff like this makes me feel incredibly empowered as woman who constantly struggles with loving her body (don't we all?). To stand up and say stuff like this, without shaming the other women who choose to go a different, more provacative, route, takes a lot of cajones and cerebros (that's balls and brains for you non-Spanish speakers [I don't speak Spanish either. I had to ask Sam, which led to me wondering if Spanish zombies moan "Cerebrossssssss..."]). Anyway, now I'm distracted by zombie thoughts and by how many parentheses are in the previous sentence. Punctuation, y u make me sad? Moving forward, Adele is a positive role model for women everywhere to learn to love themselves, respect other women, and do what's right and comfortable for them without judging and putting down others. Behind those angelic wet willies is a woman worth listening to, both with accompaniment and without.

I think that concludes this installment of "Taylor's Unfocused And Grammatically Offensive Tirades," or as you like to call it, "http://majorstranger.blogspot.com/." To sum up everything that's been discussed, here is a picture of Adele eating a sandwich (burgers are sandwiches, right?):

How To Trick Yourself Into Feeling Clean Without Actually Showering

Happy mushroom farmer

This post is loosely based off of a conversation thread or two in my favorite exclusive Livejournal community, smash_club. If you shower regularly and are the picture of hygiene, than this post obviously is not for you. If you're like me and you find yourself too exhausted from work/school/farming mushrooms/whatever to clean your own body when you get home, then read on. Please note: I'm talking about skipping a day or two every now and then. For the most part, I shower every day. Don't start spreading rumors.


Spot Wash The Important Parts

I can't believe I'm saying this (my mom reads my blog for fuck's sake), but wash your bathing suit areas. This means your junk. All of your junk. No need to go crazy because then let's face it, you might as well just hop in the damned shower. Just take a damp washcloth and go for the gold. If you're feeling especially fancy, wipe down your armpits and neck too.


Change Your Clothes

The clothes you're currently wearing have, no doubt, absorbed some of your nastiness and filth by now. Change into something crisp and clean and the cycle will start anew. The detergenty smell of the new threads is guaranteed to make you feel a little bit fresher, at least temporarily. If you're too lazy to change your outfit, at least change your draws (drawers? I'm talking undies). It will make a world of difference.


Wash Your Face And If You Have Bangs, Wash Those Babies Too

If your face and crotchbutt are clean, you will also feel clean. This is just basic biology (or is basic biology more about mitochondria and phyla and shit?). Wash your face with cool water and soap. If you have bangs, like I do, give them a good shampoo in the sink. Boom! You are squeaky, Mr. Clean clean!


Dry Shampoo Is Your Friend

Spray that shit all over your nasty hair. I'll be honest, even when I'm showering daily (again, MOST OF THE TIME), I rarely wash my hair. I like to tell people that this is because my hair is extra thick and can withstand

Marie Antionette: another fierce lady who rarely showered.

the natural oil buildup and New York City street debris. This is true, but I also push the envelope a bit when it

comes to hair hygiene. Flip your hair to one side and then spritz it with the dry shampoo layer by layer. The dry shampoo absorbs some of the oil and gives your hair a bit of fluff. This is not really too noticeable though. What it DOES do is make your hair smell like product for the day instead of like ass tacos and shame.


So Is Perfume

Everywhere. Don't make me say it again. Just spray that shit. Perfume used to cover up the fact that people didn't shower often back in the Renaissance-y days, and it can help you do that today as well.


Braid Some or All of Your Hair Into Something As Intricate As...I Don't Know...Math?

You want it out of your face and off of your neck right? Well braid it! You can french braid (if you're skilled like that, I'm not), braid yourself a headband from the hair behind your ear, make a low braid and put it all back (make sure to take this out in the evening before it turns into dreadlocks from sheer filth volume alone), braid it all up and across your head like a little milkmaid, or even braid just the front section (this is technically a twist). Everyone will compliment your steady hands and dedication because everyone fucking LOVES braids. It's a fact. Not only that, all of the hair-related compliments will make you feel less soiled and more awesome. Troof.


So those are my tips. Am I a disgusting person? Probably. Is this relevant to my current cleanliness? I don't want to tell you (is that ass taco and shame I sense?). Either way, I hope these things are helpful next time you're feeling less than fresh. And I'm sorry for all the cursing, mom.


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Sephora's Return Policy: Store Credit For Your Receiptless Makeup

Sometimes in the world of retail shopping, there are precious secrets laying in wait for consumers to discover. These secrets are only uncovered after much trial and error and there is never a statement or list provided by the company that reveals them to the public. In the food and restaurant world, these are known as "off menu" items (such as Jamba Juice's White Gummy Bear Smoothie and the McDonald's McGangBang). When these secrets happen in retail, I like to refer to them as gold nuggets.

This post is about one of my favorite gold nuggets: the Sephora Return Policy. My friend Juin shared the details with me and before I knew it, I had traded in some old makeup from Sephora that I no longer use for $225 in store credit. $225!!!

Here are the rules: 


Bring A Valid Form of I.D.

My guess is that they do this so you don't become a serial returner (much like a serial killer but instead of killing people, you're killing their sales). If you've ever worked in retail before, there are people who constantly buy things and then come back a couple days or weeks later, like clockwork, to return it. This gold nugget cannot be a consistent habit and should not be repeated more than once per year (this excludes one-off returns with appropriate receipts that happen throughout the year due to makeup-related gifts, misleading foundation colors, etc). You do not need a receipt to return any of these products; as long as Sephora still sells it, they will take the item back for store credit without a receipt. Seriously.


Clean Up Your Shit

By all means, dig through your bathroom cabinets and line-up all of the Sephora makeup you don't use anymore and look it up on the Sephora website (to make sure they still sell it - this is exactly what I did). But if you think you're going to show up with a Nars blush that has food particles embedded on the cover and fungus growing on it and return it for a full store credit, you are delusional. I mean, if you owned a store and someone tried to return something to you that you needed to handle with latex gloves, would you accept it? Probably not. Just take a Clorox disinfecting wipe or even a wet paper towel and make your makeup look as brand spankin' new as possible. It's incredibly easy and will make them 114% more likely to take it backsies.


Use Some of It, But Not All of It

They expect things to be returned used: after all, you have to try the product in order to decide that you don't like it. Hell, you can even use half of it and still return it for the full amount because Sephora figures that you really wanted to give the product an honest try. If you use the whole entire bottle/jar/compact/what have you, then you are attempting to return garbage. Sephora is nice and willing to help you, but they're not stupid.


Feign Illness

For whatever reason, Sephora is much more likely to accept a return if whatever makeup you bought fucked up your life. This means that it burned your skin, caused a rash, made your skin dry and flaky, clogged your pores, caused you to break out in pimples/hives, or any other ailments you can think of that are realistic (Leprosy and Typhoid will not work). This tip was given to me by the same friend who recommended this gold nugget and she got it directly from a Sephora security guard. This works especially well if all of the products you are returning are from one line or brand. I was able to return seven different Bare Minerals products I bought at Sephora by saying that they all burned my skin and left me with a rash. Gross and hyperbole, but plausible and successful.


Remember: There Isn't Only One Employee or One Sephora Store

If you go to return your products and are shown the door, always remember that there are more employees at that store and that there are other Sephoras in the world. Come back on another day and try again or even better, go to a different Sephora and give it a whirl. There will always be stricter employees and stricter stores so don't let being turned down defeat you; It is their secret gold nugget policy to accept anything for store credit that follows the above rules.


So that's it! I usually don't do two posts on the same day, but I was inspired to share how today, I cleaned off my makeup with Clorox wipes, waltzed to the Sephora four blocks away from my job, and was able to return $225 worth of Sephora makeup that has just been sitting, unused, around my bathroom. Give it a try.


EDIT: Comments have been locked on this post as I have been called dirty/filthy, a bitch, told that my parents should be ashamed of me, and the worst kind of person (Not murderers, rapists, or child molesters, right? Just me returning Sephora makeup at Sephora...) simply for reiterating the return policy of a company in order to help out those who would like to save money on unwanted Sephora products and are uninformed. I will not tolerate unwarranted harassment on my blog for a lax corporate policy over which I have no authority and which exists for every customer, beyond my personal purchases.

How I Got Surfer Girl Waves With Random Stuff In My Apartment

Ok, so maybe it wasn't really random stuff in my apartment because I never go grocery shopping or live with anyone who keeps normal things stocked, but if you do, then you're in luck!

60 lbs heavier and many years ago
with my best friend and John Frieda sprayed hair

Throughout my high school years and a bit beyond, I gave up on the hair-straightening trend and wore my hair naturally. I am lucky enough to already have tight waves/loose curls, but I still needed to use a product to define them and prevent frizz. I fell in love with John Frieda Beach Blonde Ocean Waves Sea Spray. It made my hair magically beachy and smelled deliciously of coconut and suntan lotion. It was unlike any other product because it was separated like oil and water and you had to shake it up in order to mix the two parts before you used it. Sadly, sometime after 2005, it was discontinued (dun dun DUNNN). I never found anything that quite did what this product did for me and so, I started to wear my hair straight again.

Recently, I've noticed a huge trend of salt water beachy wave sprays coming onto the market (ex: GOSH Professionals Salt of Mine Spray). After ruminating on purchasing one for almost an entire day, it dawned on me: isn't this shit just sea salt and water? I started doing some research and it turns out I was 100% right (more like 73%)! You do have to add something hydrating to the spray since salt is really drying, but other than that, this is the easiest recipe for awesome hair I've ever found.

You will need:

♥ An empty spray bottle (if it was previously used, make sure you clean it really well because no one wants Clorox hair). If you're weird about these things, like I am, you can just go to the travel section of your local pharmacy or The Container Store (but BE CAREFUL because you might end up organizing things that nobody needs to organize like free makeup samples and rabbit food), and buy a spray bottle.
♥ Good ol' H2O
♥ Sea salt (If you live near the ocean, feel free to just bring the spray bottle to the sea itself and take water directly from there)
♥ A Conditioner that's on the heavier side
♥ Olive oil (I went to the "ethnic" section of my local pharmacy and bought olive oil that's specifically for hair but many sites say you can just use regular olive oil...the choice is yours)

First, I put a couple tablespoons of the sea salt in the water. I find the salt dissolves easier when the water is hot, but you do you. Add as much salt as you like (remember, you can always add more); the more salt, the beachier/piecier your hair will look. Then, add enough conditioner and olive oil so that they make up about 1/3rd of the spray bottle. The conditioner and olive oil should be in equal parts. Finally, just take a shower per usual, wash your hair, towel dry so that your hair is damp, shake the bottle to mix up the ingredients, and spray all over your head liberally. I have bangs, so I obviously avoided those and styled them normally. If you have areas of your hair you want straight-ish, don't spray there (but if I have to explain that, I'm not even sure you'll be able to make the spray so...). You can also spray on more once your hair dries if certain areas look less defined than others. Note: if you have pin-straight hair, it's going to come out pin-straight and awkwardly piecy, which will probably make it look filthy. This is not a miracle, wave-creating spray. Scrunching it does make it curl up a bit (A BIT, people), but you should expect the same results that you get from dipping your head into the ocean. It's more for definition and less for making curls/waves out of thin air (or hair! har har har). I achieved the same exact results as when I used to use the John Frieda spray and I also got to feel sort of like a mad scientist. The benefits are endless.

Suck It

It's not uncommon in the U.S. to have braces. In fact, I've found that most of the people I know with reasonable teeth have donned some sort of headgear in their youth. I am no exception to this.

From the moment I was born, I found comfort in sucking on the pointer and middle finger of my left hand. This, coupled with mashing a filthy blanket I called shmata (Yiddish word for rag) into my closed eye, was pure bliss for me. Later, my shmata was butchered and cut into four smaller shmatas so that I could easily replace it when I lost it (which was frequently because I was a careless child). Finally, circa 1991, I lost my final shmata and consequently, my shit. My mom, being the best mother ever (and having a very low tolerance for whining, crying, and bullshit in general), immediately brought me to the nearest Toys "R" Us so that I could pick out the next thing to mush onto my face while sucking my fingers. My eyes lit up when I found a stuffed Siamese cat (we had a non-stuffed Siamese at the time but she was most unfriendly). I immediately started rubbing the tail under my nose and sucking on my two fingers and my mom knew that we had found the one.

Siamese Stuffy Number One lasted until I left him at my elementary school library about four years later and my poor mother had to soothe me that later night when I had a complete mental breakdown. Back to Toys "R" Us we went the next day and my saliva-soaked fingers were crossed that they still had the same Siamese cat stuffed animal for sale. No dice, but there was one tolerably similar. I decided to give this stuffy a proper name so that maybe I wouldn't lose him. Snowflake was born.

Nigel Thornberry: doppelganger of my youth.

Snowflake's tail wasn't sufficiently long enough for my finger-sucking affairs, so I migrated to using his forearm and rubbing it gently on my nose. The years went on and soon, it was 1997 and I was 10 years old. My dad knew that soon this finger-sucking thing wouldn't be socially acceptable and neither would my dopey, Nigel Thornberry-esque, buck teeth. He tried to sit me down and calmly explain why I should stop doing my favorite thing. I said no. When he commanded it "because he said so," I would steal away and suckle in secret. I felt like some sort of drool-covered fugitive and it made the experience even more pleasurable. My dad soon realized that I was fibbing about having quit my habit cold turkey and decided to bust out the WMDs: hot pepper-flavored, anti-finger-sucking nail polish. My father came in the night like some sort of ninja manicurist and painted all of my nails with the foul polish while I was unconscious. When I woke up, I was horrified by what I tasted but immediately knew what was going down. I decided to take one for the team (just Snowflake and me, I guess) and bite all of the nail polish off of my nails. Within 10 minutes, I was back in finger-sucking heaven.

My dad's efforts continued for the next year, but were unsuccessful. At 11 years old, I was now in 6th grade, and although I was playing it cool and rocking out the the Backstreet Boys during the day, by night I was sucking my fingers like a toddler. Some kids started making fun of me for my buck teeth and I distinctly remember one kid singing "fall into the Gap," except this time it wasn't about the retail store and was a diss aimed at my incisors. My father finally decided it was time for me to take a trip to the orthodontist and get fitted with braces. But how was he going to get me to stop sucking (my fingers!)?

Why is my middle finger shaped like a backwards 's?'

My orthodontist, Dr. Chan (located somewhere in the middle of New Jersey), took care of that for him with her giant book of deformed teeth AKA oral scare tactics. This book was filled with some of the gnarliest, snarliest teeth you've ever seen; they were black and decayed or protruding through closed mouths or growing out of foreheads or all of the above. One look through that book coupled with the phrase "this could be you if you don't stop sucking your fingers" was enough for me to quit for good. Two years, 21 changes in rubber band color theme, one clear, blue retainer with my name on it, and 43 gags from the taste of brace bracket cement later, I had straight teefs. I still have a permanent retainer wire fastened securely to the inside of my bottom front teeth and my pointer and middle finger on my left hand are eternally deformed and curve unnaturally (See Image 2). Other than the aforementioned physical maladies, all that remains of this ordeal is the emotional, tooth-related trauma I endured. Oh, and Snowflake still helps me fall asleep every night.

Beauty Secrets

Now that Blogger has decided to stop being a pain in the ass, I've decided to write a post about the beauty products that I simply cannot live without. These are the products I would take with me if I were stranded on a deserted island where I had to look fierce at all times because the palm trees were really judgey.



Kiehl's Blue Herbal Moisturizer

After breaking out unexpectedly in the grossest pimples early this winter, I was recommended this moisturizer by a friend of mine. I have tried Kiehl's products before and wasn't too impressed; they do let you sample pretty much anything if you ask for it and their tea-scented chapstick is delicious (but maybe you're not supposed to eat chapstick?). Either way, I was incredibly desperate so I gave this moisturizer a whirl. Within three days of using it, my skin had cleared up entirely. I still use it today and I get maybe one or two barely-noticeable pimples per month. It does have salicylic acid in it which happens to increase oil production in a lot of people, so moisturize with caution! If you have oily skin, like I do, I would recommend not using it everyday (my dermatologist recommended using it 2-3 times per week and he's a doctor so I guess that's pretty legit).



Benefit High Beam Illuminator

I never knew the importance of being dewy until I bought this little, shimmering bottle and experienced it first hand. I always use it after all of my foundation, concealer, and blush are applied and a little goes a long way. I immediately go from looking like a used-up piece of chalk to an iridescent extra from Fern Gully. Benefit also makes another variation called Moon Beam, but from what I hear, High Beam is where it's at when it comes to illuminator. It's recommended to apply it according to this diagram, but if you want to apply less, that's ok too. If you want to apply more, you run the risk looking sweaty and creepy. The creamy texture of High Beam lets you paint little dots onto your face using the brush applicator and then rub it in with your fingertip to blend it. You won't regret buying it. Trust me.




Covergirl LashBlast Volume Blasting Waterproof Mascara 
(in Very Black 800)

This mascara was recommended to me by my friend Emily who has the best eyelashes I've ever seen. I had been using DiorShow since I was about sixteen years old but when I saw her dark, thick, long eyelashes, I knew I was doing something wrong. LashBlast is less than half the price of my old favorite but about ten times better. The thick formula pumps up my eyelashes to extreme latitudes and longitudes. I would recommend using a lash comb post application because after a couple of coats, this mascara can clump up a bit (one pass with the aforementioned comb will fix the clumps and separate your lashes). The result is a blink of the eye that makes men and women everywhere drop their pants.

Carmex Cherry Chapstick

Since I was a little girl, I've been using this chapstick. My father has been using it since the 90s (and probably even before that aka the Jurassic period) and I can credit him with getting me hooked on the stuff. The soothing, mentholy feeling it leaves on my lips is like none other and one night sleeping with it on will turn any dry, cracked lips into a plush, healthy pout. This product has been essential to me since not only do I have huge lips, but I like to pick at them constantly. It's a horrible, self-destructive habit that has left me with bloody lips and painful cuts on more than one occasion. Keeping Carmex on my lips not only prevents me from picking them (who wants slimy, chapstick fingers?), but it heals the damage I've already done in record time. I would recommend wearing a thin layer of it under any gloss or lipstick to keep lips protected even when you want a more colorful look.


Burt's Bees Tinted Lip Balm

I cannot tell you how long I'd been searching for a tinted lip balm like this one; something moisturizing but with the tiniest hint of color. I was cursed with non-pigmented lips that, without any color on them, are a couple of

shades lighter than the skin on my face. It's a look that only zombies and Frankensteins could love, and the latter isn't single. This balm comes in six different colors (of which I own Rose and Tiger Lily) and isn't runny and glossy or thick and tacky like most tinted lip balms out there. It also isn't drying like most lipsticks. It goes on smoothly, keeps lips hydrated, and ads just a hint of color. The results are rosy/peachy lips that have a slight sheen to them and are the natural lip color that you've always dreamed of.



Bobbi Brown Long-Wear Gel Eyeliner 
(in Black Ink)


Liquid and pencil eyeliner should be wearing dunce caps in a corner somewhere now that this eyeliner is in play. It goes on smoothly without smudging or running and lasts until you're ready to take it off (I've even slept

in it and woke up looking like groggy version of Anna Karina in Une Femme est une femme). It's absolutely perfect for that winged, cat-eye look that we all know and love. I apply it using a Sephora Angled Eyeliner Brush that creates a perfect, straight line from even the most unstable hands. I used to spend almost an hour in the bathroom trying to perfect my winged eyeliner and 84 filthy Q-tips later, my eyeliner would still be crooked, smudged, and uneven. Now I just follow this tutorial and it's like the eyeliner does the work for me. Your friends that have been waiting for hours for you every time they want to go out will thank me.



Lush Big Shampoo

The tiniest, quarter-sized amount of this shampoo will lather up your huge-ass head. My head is like an orange on a toothpick and my hair is as thick as a lions, but this shit really works to get the suds going without having to use gallons of it. I used to go through one, Costco-sized bottle of shampoo per month, but I'm still on my first pot of Big and I bought it back in January. Not only that, there's still over half left! The sea salt, lime, and

other deliciously-edible, margarita-esque ingredients pump up the volume in your hair without frizzing it up. It also makes my hair act as memory foam; Big will actually hold your hairstyle even without hairspray. Make sure to use a very thick conditioner, only on the ends, since the sea salt can be very drying. Also, don't be afraid to stop into Lush and ask for a free sample at the register. The sample alone will last you a couple of weeks and you can get a feel for what I'm talking about. Warning: the sales people are very friendly and even more convincing. Whatever you do, do not buy everything in the store. I don't care how much willpower you think you have, it will all go down the drain with the washed-off cupcake mask that they just tested out on your forearms.



Organix Moroccan Argan Oil

We've all heard of how amazing the expensive, Moroccan Oil brand line of products are and how they turn even the nastiest mops into spun gold. Well, below are the ingredients for both products:

Cyclopentasiloxane, Dimethicone, Cyclomethicone, C 12 15 Alkyl Benzoate, Butylphenyl Methylpropional, Argania Spinosa (Argan) Kernel Oil (Argan), Linum Usitatissimum (Linseed) Extract (Linseed), Parfum, Yellow 11, Red 17.

Cyclopentasiloxane, Dimethicone, Cyclomethicone, Butylphenyl Methyl Propional, Argania Spinoza Kernel Oil (Aragan Oil), Linseed (Linum Usitatissimum) Extract, Fragrance Supplement, D & C Yellow 11, D & C Red 17, Coumarin, Benzyl Benzoate, Alpha-Isomethyl Ionone.




I bet you couldn't guess that the first one, the one with less additives, is the Organix brand moroccan oil! With a price difference of $23.96 ($30.99 for Moroccan Oil, $7.03 for Organix Moroccan Argan Oil via Amazon.com), it's clear which one is the right choice. I apply about a quarter-sized amount (remember: very long and thick hair here) to all of my hair when it's damp and then, on days when I don't wash my hair (which is a lot more than I'd like to admit because I'm disgusting), I apply a dime-sized amount to the ends only to keep them nice and hydrated. My hair maintains the luster and smoothness afforded by a luxury product and I can use that extra $23.96 to buy cheeseburgers.



That's it! I hope you had fun! Feel free to jack my style and use all of these products or use none at all and continue living your lives.