Going To The Gynecologist

If you're a prissy man who can't handle the thought of what goes on behind the doors of an OB/GYN, then turn around now. You're the same type of guy who goes "ewwww" when a girl even says the word "period," regardless of whether you're in English Grammar And Punctuation 101 with her or not. These are human bodies. Many mammals menstruate (overtly or covertly) but they can't go to the Gyno for obvious reasons (even though I'd love to see a hedgehog get a pap smear). Anyway, to those men, peace out and grow up.

Yesterday, I went to the Gyno (or cervix goblin, as I like to call them) for my annual exam. I had forgotten what a hoot it was (this comment is dripping with sarcasm)! It was my first appointment at this practice (I had recently decided to switch because my old Gyno was disappointingly run like a sweat clinic [hybrid of a

House M.D.

sweat shop and a clinic]). Either way, this was exciting because I got to sit down with Dr. Pilshchik and answer the intake questions (my favorite part). Do I smoke and drink? Sometimes. Do I have a boyfriend? Yes. Do I have AIDS? No. What am I allergic to? Biaxin and Benzoyl Peroxide. What happens when I use them? Gross hive-y things. Finally, she got to the last question: Do I have any pets? I love talking about my bunny and my cat, as you can tell. However, I'm a little fuzzy on what either of them have to do with my vagoo. My manager at work told me it probably is some Toxoplasmosis-related foresight if I were to get pregnant in the future (PLEASE NO, knock on ALL the wood). I honestly still have no clue why she asked me but again, it was a chance to gush about House M.D. and Shadow, so I didn't mind.

Me and my Shadow

At this point she brought me into the exam room where I got a pap smear and had my ovaries tickled and smushed (the scientific way to check for cysts). Let me just say now that pap smears suck every time. I don't even think I'd enjoy them if I was given an avocado and a glow stick to distract me during the procedure. That, and the stirrups are the most awkward things ever; they just make me feel so vaginally equestrian. Overall it was a quick, thorough, and satisfying (not like that) visit. If I were rating my Gyno on Amazon.com, she would get five stars.


On the off chance that there is some sort of virtual suggestion box for all OB/GYNs out there, I'd like to advise possibly finding another way to smear my pap that doesn't involve so much pinching and pulling. Also, why don't you cervix goblins sell sex toys? After all, this is a women's health facility, right? I feel like it would be extremely profitable for both parties if there was a room in the practice that was devoted to explaining and selling sex toys. What do you think? Am I out of line? Sam seems to think so, as he likened it to Proctologists selling butt plugs and Podiatrists selling foot fetish paraphernalia. I think I'm onto something though.