Showing posts with label women's health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label women's health. Show all posts

11.01.2011

How to Cure a Yeast Infection In the Most Delicious Way


Let me start off this post by saying no, this isn't about farming vaginal yeast to make artisanal bread and yes, you should not continue reading this if you have a twig and berries between your legs (you've been warned, gentlemen). Now, onto the yeasty goodness.

Vaginas are a bitch. One wrong move that disrupts the delicate flora, fauna, and merryweather (possibly fairies from "Sleeping Beauty" and not vaginal components), and you're off to the gynecologist to get your
What the yeast are up to in there. Science.
hoo-ha scraped and poked. If you're like me, you try everything you can yourself before you tell an adult.
Home remedies can be almost as complicated as putting on pants and actually going to the doctor. They can also be complete Whole Foods organic bullshit. You can read the testimonials all you want, but who can you really trust on the internet? Are you really going to rest ice cubes on your forehead to get rid of belly button lint just because some lady in Omaha swore by it? I did, and I still have belly button lint.

Anyway, yeast infections can be caused by the most innocuous things such as sex or antibiotics. I've heard even thinking too hard about yeast infections can cause yeast infections (turn back now). If you suspect that your vagina is being invaded by things that are better served in a winery, follow the steps below to get rid of them without even putting on pants!


Note: I am not a doctor. If you have the clap and do this, it will probably burn like the inside of Mount Doom and be completely ineffective. Check your symptoms here and only proceed with the whole listening-to-a-random-chick thing at your own risk.


1. If you're experiencing a lot of burning/soreness, I would first suggest going out to the store and getting plain yogurt (no sugar!), dipping a tampon in it, and inserting it into your junk like you normally would. The cool yogurt is very soothing and contains the natural probiotic bacteria that gets rid of yeast! Do that overnight and then proceed with the steps below. If you're just a bit itchy/not really burning a lot, proceed to step two.

Your new best friend. LYLAS, garlic!
2. Get yo'self some garlic. You want to use fresh garlic and you'll need anywhere from 2-6 cloves depending on how bad your infection is.

3. Take one clove and unwrap the paper-like layers off. Then, with a sharp knife, slice each side off very thinly so that what's exposed is the wet part (this is all very technical wording, I know). It's sort of like you're preparing a delicious Italian dish except not at all because it's going straight into your vagoo and there's no pasta involved (I mean, there can be if you start to feel peckish).

4. Take a needle and thread and poke it straight through the center of the clove. Pull it through so that both sides are about equal in length and then cut the needle off. Tie the thread in a knot around the clove as many times as you want. Just make sure it's secure because the last thing you want is to lose a clove of garlic in your vagina for eternity.

5. For the pièce de résistance, insert the clove into your snatch with the thread hanging out so that, when you're ready, you can remove it like a tampon.


Some Extra Info:

♥ It will probably burn like a bitch going in. That is complete normal albeit annoying. It will subside in about two minutes.
♥ Replace the garlic with a fresh clove every morning and every evening before bed. You don't want it getting nasty in there.
♥ The human body is a crazy bananas thing and during this process, you will taste garlic in your mouth and it will be SO FUCKING WEIRD. I actually discussed this on my first date with my boyfriend, Sam. I'm such a keeper, right?
♥ Try to refrain from sexy things until you're all cured. Unless your significant other REALLY enjoys garlic bread.
♥ This method works because garlic is a natural antifungal and antibacterial and will kill all dat yeast for you.
♥ As my friend Erol just pointed out, your vagina will also be protected from vampires. How's that for killing two birds?


Oh, and if you have some AZO Yeast tablets, Garlic tablets, and/or Acidophilus tablets (you can get all of these at your drugstore), take two of each per day. It also helps to avoid sticking sugary treats in your vagina. Good luck!


7.12.2011

How To Lose 60 Pounds Like Now

Let me start this off by saying that I'm not a doctor (although I do like limping, being grumpy, and pretending to be House sometimes). I am also not a chef or a personal trainer. If you don't want to take weight loss advice from me, then don't. If you want to listen to advice from a reputable source, turn away now. I am only writing about what worked for me personally and may, very well, work for you too. Being heavier or overweight does not an unhealthy person make, BUT if you feel sluggish, lethargic, and just generally not healthy, like I did before I lost the weight, then it's probably time for a change.

I used to eat shit. Not literally, because that's gross. I mean I used to eat food that was horrible for me. I didn't skimp on the portions either, let me tell you. I didn't lift a pinky finger to work it off via exercise either. I was literally the perfect example of an unhealthy person. I had tried a million times in my life to go on a diet and lose the weight as fast as possible, but nothing ever stuck (for obvious reasons). I tried Atkins, South Beach, Slim Fast, Weight Watchers, Hoodia spray (yes, this is real life), and God knows what else. I was around 140 lbs throughout high school (and at 5'7", that's right where I needed to be). After freshmen year of high school finished, I steadily gained a couple pounds as each year went by. I ballooned even more in college (more like freshmen 40 for me) and, by the time I graduated NYU in 2009, I was 196 lbs. The day I stepped on the scale and saw that I was 4 lbs away from being 200 lbs, heavier than my FATHER, was the day I decided to change my life.

See the wording I used up there? I'm not talking about a temporary diet to get rid of all the weight only to have me gain it back a couple of months later. I was talking about a full-blown, thought-out, lifestyle overhaul. Here's some advice on how to eat and get your exercise on if you want to do what I did:


Fewd:

♥ Use this website to track your daily calorie intake and your daily activity output. Make a profile based on your height, weight, age, sex, desired weight goal, desired weight goal date, and activity level. The website will then give you a daily net calorie intake that you should meet in order to meet your goals. Mine is somewhere around 1,200 so I just try to eat that amount per day or, eat more than that amount, and then exercise off the difference. It's basic math! There are about 3,500 calories in a pound. If your calorie intake to maintain your current weight is 2,500, and you have a net calorie intake of 1,500 per day, you should lose a pound in three and a half days (this isn't always exact though, given factors like bloating, water-weight, and digestion).
♥ Eat TONS of vegetables and fruits. Mountains of them.
♥ Eat protein and carbs too, but be careful. Only eat lean meats (shrimp is VERY low-calorie and high-protein, for example) and complex/whole wheat carbs (no white bread, white pasta, etc.)
♥ Snack like a mofo, but snack smart. Berries, nuts, cups of green tea, celery, baby carrots, and pretzel twists are all your friend. You can even eat things like goldfish crackers but just make sure you dish yourself out a serving size (for example: there are about 55 goldfish in a serving so, dish out 55 exactly, then put the rest away and whatever you do, DO NOT GET MORE).
♥ Portion control! Eat all of the lower-calorie things on your plate first (soup, salad, veggies, etc.). This will help you get full and consume less calories than you normally would. Also try to leave some on your plate. If you were conditioned by your family to eat ALL THE THINGS (like I was), this can be hard. Don't forget to pay attention to serving size. Boxes of mac n' cheese look healthy at first glance with only 250 or so calories, but then you notice that is for each serving and there are 2.5-3 servings per box. That whole box of mac n' cheese is near 700 calories! Be careful of sneaky food. Ice cream is sneaky with serving size too, but you shouldn't be eating that anyway (sorbet or frozen yogurt is your BFF).
♥ I'm lazy and a horrible cook, so I bought/buy a lot of frozen/pre-made meals. As always, be wary of the calorie content. Another thing to pay attention to is the sodium. Sometimes, it can be through the roof on healthier frozen meals like Lean Cuisine because they want to try to add some flavor without adding the calories. As a rule, I like Amy's brand foods for pre-made purposes and have found that their meals are generally better calorie, ingredient, and sodium-wise than other leading brands.
♥ Fat-free, low-fat, sugar-free, low-calorie, and zero calories are key words to look for when shopping for or ordering food. Look for these options on all the food you buy. They help save random calories and usually don't compromise taste/flavor TOO much. Although you shouldn't drink soda, I can't help myself because I love the fizzy garbage. If you're like me, go for the diet option. You'll be consuming 0 calories rather than about 100 calories per 8 oz glass (not to mention the out-of-control amount of sugar). Do yourself a favor and don't drink your calories. It's a waste!
♥ The following foods, in moderation, are always on my grocery list. They are amazing for you and should be your go-to food choices: whole wheat pita bread, hummus, Dreamfields' whole wheat pasta, low-sodium pasta sauce, whole wheat, low-carb bread (Weight Watchers makes a decent one) OR whole wheat sandwich thins (Arnold's and Pepperidge Farm make them and it's only 100 calories for two slices of bread), celery, cucumbers, berries, bananas, fat-free greek yogurt (flavored or unflavored), Laughing Cow cheese wedges, light Babybel cheese wheels, pickles (I LOVE pickles), any lean meats (chicken, shrimp, turkey, tuna, etc.) to grill or use as cold cuts in sammiches, brussel sprouts (cook on a baking sheet with a bit of olive oil, salt, and pepper at 400 degrees for 35-40 minutes or until golden and crispy on the outside), quinoa, chicken sausage (comes in many flavors), sugar-free JELL-O, Boca or Morningstar veggie burgers and "Chik'n" patties (not the BEST ever for you, but low-calorie and filled with protein), Skinny Cow ice cream bars, and much more!
♥ All of the above being said, LIVE A LITTLE. If you force yourself to quit everything cold turkey and never eat the things you love, you will end up binging and ruining your new lifestyle. If you want a cheeseburger, have it. If you want a piece of pizza, have it (and savor it!). Having something when you really want it will prevent you from going apeshit and ordering a whole pie, alone one night, and eating the entire thing to the face. Also, let yourself have a taste of a friend's less-healthy meal when you go out to eat. You'll still get to try the higher-calorie flavors that you love without the effects and possible weight gain of eating something unhealthy.



Essercise:


♥ I HATE working out, but it must be done. Deal with it.
♥ If you're heavier and not used to working out (and you can afford it), the Wii Fit is an amazing way to get started. I used the Wii Fit for the first four months of my life overhaul. The hula hoop workout will change your life (and you'll look SO STUPID doing it).
♥ After that, I needed something higher-impact, so I started running. In the beginning, it will be very hard and you'll walk a good chunk of the way. Force yourself to run a little bit further each day. Eventually, you'll be able to run about four miles (or more!) every day and it's an amazing workout.
♥ To switch it up, I would sometimes run up and down all of the flights of stairs in my apartment building for about 30 minutes. Running stairs REALLY works you out. Trust me.
♥ When winter hit, I needed something to do indoors so that I didn't freeze my ass off running. Jillian Michaels' 30-Day Shred is an amazing workout for someone who needs something high-impact but doesn't have a lot of time. It is only 30 or so minutes long but it fucks. your. shit. up.
♥ Weight-training, free-dancing, and jump-roping are good ways to get a workout without having a set "routine" and also to switch up your current workout.


Results:

Before (early 2009): 196 lbs
After (late 2010): 136 lbs
I'm a size 6 in jeans now. I used to be a size 16! I'm still trying to lose a bit of weight nowadays, but the important part is that I'm finally at a healthy weight for my height and I have infinitely more energy. I partially wrote this post to remember where I came from and hopefully get myself back on track health-wise. But, for the most part, I wrote it to help other people that are like 2009 Taylor get healthy on their own terms and change their life for the better. As always, If you have anything weight loss-related that you'd like to ask me or need clarification on (again, I am not a doctor or a specialist and can only give my opinion and advice based on my journey) hit me up in the comments or here.

6.03.2011

Going To The Gynecologist



If you're a prissy man who can't handle the thought of what goes on behind the doors of an OB/GYN, then turn around now. You're the same type of guy who goes "ewwww" when a girl even says the word "period," regardless of whether you're in English Grammar And Punctuation 101 with her or not. These are human bodies. Many mammals menstruate (overtly or covertly) but they can't go to the Gyno for obvious reasons (even though I'd love to see a hedgehog get a pap smear). Anyway, to those men, peace out and grow up.

Yesterday, I went to the Gyno (or cervix goblin, as I like to call them) for my annual exam. I had forgotten what a hoot it was (this comment is dripping with sarcasm)! It was my first appointment at this practice (I had recently decided to switch because my old Gyno was disappointingly run like a sweat clinic [hybrid of a
House M.D.
sweat shop and a clinic]). Either way, this was exciting because I got to sit down with Dr. Pilshchik and answer the intake questions (my favorite part). Do I smoke and drink? Sometimes. Do I have a boyfriend? Yes. Do I have AIDS? No. What am I allergic to? Biaxin and Benzoyl Peroxide. What happens when I use them? Gross hive-y things. Finally, she got to the last question: Do I have any pets? I love talking about my bunny and my cat, as you can tell. However, I'm a little fuzzy on what either of them have to do with my vagoo. My manager at work told me it probably is some Toxoplasmosis-related foresight if I were to get pregnant in the future (PLEASE NO, knock on ALL the wood). I honestly still have no clue why she asked me but again, it was a chance to gush about House M.D. and Shadow, so I didn't mind.

Me and my Shadow
At this point she brought me into the exam room where I got a pap smear and had my ovaries tickled and smushed (the scientific way to check for cysts). Let me just say now that pap smears suck every time. I don't even think I'd enjoy them if I was given an avocado and a glow stick to distract me during the procedure. That, and the stirrups are the most awkward things ever; they just make me feel so vaginally equestrian. Overall it was a quick, thorough, and satisfying (not like that) visit. If I were rating my Gyno on Amazon.com, she would get five stars.


On the off chance that there is some sort of virtual suggestion box for all OB/GYNs out there, I'd like to advise possibly finding another way to smear my pap that doesn't involve so much pinching and pulling. Also, why don't you cervix goblins sell sex toys? After all, this is a women's health facility, right? I feel like it would be extremely profitable for both parties if there was a room in the practice that was devoted to explaining and selling sex toys. What do you think? Am I out of line? Sam seems to think so, as he likened it to Proctologists selling butt plugs and Podiatrists selling foot fetish paraphernalia. I think I'm onto something though.