People Who Should Evaporate

Ok, well maybe not evaporate because that isn't violent enough, but definitely be maimed and/or murdered. You may think that's a bit harsh. I don't. I simply cannot wrap my head around a plausible reason as to why these individuals do the things they do. I think after these people are seen or caught doing the below things, a person should come and escort them to Mordor where they will be thrown into the fires of Mount Doom. Perhaps the person who escorts them could be Gollum and he can bite off their finger before he throws them in, just for good measure.


The Stair-Stopper

Whether they are mindlessly bullshitting away on their cell phone or just standing there drooling onto their feet, these idiots have decided to completely stop walking on the stairs and make everyone else go around them. Sometimes they make it all the way down or up the stairs only to stop at the bottom or top, respectively. A lot of the time, they do this on the steps going in and out of the subway (especially unforgivable). These steps only have enough room for two lines of people: one going up and one going down. By standing on the steps and being a moron, the Stair-Stopper forces everyone behind them to maneuver around them and face-first into the line going in the opposite direction. Traffic is entirely at a stand-still and nobody can go anywhere all because someone decided that they are the only person on the planet of importance. The prevalence of Stair-Steppers increases greatly when it's raining and they decide it's an ingenious idea to stand on the subway steps, just under the ceiling, to escape the rain. You are ruining my life by doing this and when I pass you, I will say "Are you serious?!" in the nastiest tone I can muster up. Also, beware of the rare and elusive Escalator-Stopper. They stop at the very top or bottom, just as the escalator ends, so that you have no choice but to flatten your whole body against their back and ass. Delicious.


Cat Callers

To Mordor with all of you! There is nothing I hate more than having my appearance assessed by a complete stranger. Does hanging out of your car by the waist and yelling "Hey Sexy!" ever work for you? Be honest, you're probably still a virgin. Nothing would make me happier in this world than if I could approach someone of the opposite sex on the sidewalk and not feel sick to my stomach with anxiety. This is because a hearty chunk of the time, they have something to say to me that has to do with the way I look. It's especially amusing when, if I react unfavorably to the public comment about my face, body, clothes, hair, ass, or tits, I'm called a bitch, whore, slut, etc. Anyone who knows me can vouch that despite my chronic sarcasm (it's terminal), I'm quite the amiable person. The jury is still out on why getting angry when a perfect stranger makes a comment about my waist-to-hip ratio constitutes my being a mean prostitute. I am not a piece of meat. I am not for you to comment on. I did not get dressed today for you. Please fuck off, on behalf of all women.


Mr./Ms./Mrs. Lasties

I am very weird about the order in which I eat things and I've been told that I'm not the only one who is like that. I will eat all around the edge of sandwiches and burgers and make it so that my last bite is the cheesy, saucy, ooey, gooey center. When I eat gummy bears, I save all of the green and white ones for last because they are my favorite. It's almost like I'm doing work when I start eating something in order to get rid of the less palatable parts of my meal. So when a friend (or soon to be enemy) asks me for a bite when there is only one, amazing, perfect bite left, I'm livid. Don't get me wrong, I'm an extremely generous person and that is why this sucks the most. I will give them the last bite and all of my green (which are strawberry-flavored, believe it or not) and white gummy bears, but inside my soul is dying. I can remember one instance of this from my childhood which practically traumatized me. Everyone agrees, I'm sure, that Jolly Ranchers tasted 114% better when they came in a roll and were square-shaped. I used to live, LIVE, for the moment when a red Jolly Rancher was next. There was no taste like it. However, this pack was especially barren and it wasn't until my absolute last Rancher that I saw a glimmer of cherry-flavored hope. That is, until my mom asked me if she could have one. I know, I know, I should have killed her. Instead, I gave her that cherry Jolly Rancher and continued sucking on my nasty, grape Jolly Rancher with a heavier heart.



Captain Miserable

Let me guess, you don't like this music, you don't like this party, and you don't like these people.We all have our moments when we're very difficult to please; whether it be from a lack of sleep, food, or just because we're in a foul mood. However, Captain Miserable is always difficult to please and will never just be happy and go with the goddamned flow. They are usually a friend of yours which makes it even more challenging because you have to be kind and supportive. They never seem to be satisfied with where you're going or what you're doing, but they never come up with an alternate idea. Captain Miserable most likely has a lot of other issues going on under the surface, but at the moment they aren't willing to fix any of them and would rather bitch, moan, and make your life a living hell. Save us all the trouble and just go home and sort through your shit. That, or bring us somewhere that you enjoy. If you're unable to do either, then you just have to suck it up and have fun. These are the rules.


Loud-Ass People

Just shut the fuck up. Nobody cares. That is all.


Social Preachers

"You should really be vegan." "Do you care about the ASPCA?" "Let me ask you a question about your hair!" Absolutely not. Social Preachers can be found on the street trying to sell you things, at parties trying to shove their views down your throat, or they can even possess your best friend temporarily. About a year ago, I was cornered at a party for about two hours by a guy who claimed that veganism was the only way to live. Through further conversation, I actually discovered that he ate fish (technically pescatarian), but continued to tell people he was vegan to "impress them." I remained severely unimpressed. When I first moved to NYC and was a gullible newb, I fell for the SSP (Street Social Preacher). I ended up paying $40 for a ~salon experience~ that expired, to my horror, only a little while after I bought it. It remained unused and I would have been better served wiping my ass or making pasties with said $40. The moral of the story is that 99.9% of the people who stop you on the street want your money. They don't just want to talk to you about the ASPCA, they want you to give them money for it. Just want to volunteer? Too bad. Once you start talking to them, they will guilt you with stories and pictures to try and bleed you of all of your income. My rule? If someone has a clipboard, fucking RUN. As for the vegans (I know that not all of you are undercover pescatarians), I'm cool as long as you don't try to convert me. I like cheese far too much and you'll just have to deal with that.


No wonder that website thinks my blog is "upset most of the time" when I'm writing shit like this every other day.

Sephora's Return Policy: Store Credit For Your Receiptless Makeup

Sometimes in the world of retail shopping, there are precious secrets laying in wait for consumers to discover. These secrets are only uncovered after much trial and error and there is never a statement or list provided by the company that reveals them to the public. In the food and restaurant world, these are known as "off menu" items (such as Jamba Juice's White Gummy Bear Smoothie and the McDonald's McGangBang). When these secrets happen in retail, I like to refer to them as gold nuggets.

This post is about one of my favorite gold nuggets: the Sephora Return Policy. My friend Juin shared the details with me and before I knew it, I had traded in some old makeup from Sephora that I no longer use for $225 in store credit. $225!!!

Here are the rules: 


Bring A Valid Form of I.D.

My guess is that they do this so you don't become a serial returner (much like a serial killer but instead of killing people, you're killing their sales). If you've ever worked in retail before, there are people who constantly buy things and then come back a couple days or weeks later, like clockwork, to return it. This gold nugget cannot be a consistent habit and should not be repeated more than once per year (this excludes one-off returns with appropriate receipts that happen throughout the year due to makeup-related gifts, misleading foundation colors, etc). You do not need a receipt to return any of these products; as long as Sephora still sells it, they will take the item back for store credit without a receipt. Seriously.


Clean Up Your Shit

By all means, dig through your bathroom cabinets and line-up all of the Sephora makeup you don't use anymore and look it up on the Sephora website (to make sure they still sell it - this is exactly what I did). But if you think you're going to show up with a Nars blush that has food particles embedded on the cover and fungus growing on it and return it for a full store credit, you are delusional. I mean, if you owned a store and someone tried to return something to you that you needed to handle with latex gloves, would you accept it? Probably not. Just take a Clorox disinfecting wipe or even a wet paper towel and make your makeup look as brand spankin' new as possible. It's incredibly easy and will make them 114% more likely to take it backsies.


Use Some of It, But Not All of It

They expect things to be returned used: after all, you have to try the product in order to decide that you don't like it. Hell, you can even use half of it and still return it for the full amount because Sephora figures that you really wanted to give the product an honest try. If you use the whole entire bottle/jar/compact/what have you, then you are attempting to return garbage. Sephora is nice and willing to help you, but they're not stupid.


Feign Illness

For whatever reason, Sephora is much more likely to accept a return if whatever makeup you bought fucked up your life. This means that it burned your skin, caused a rash, made your skin dry and flaky, clogged your pores, caused you to break out in pimples/hives, or any other ailments you can think of that are realistic (Leprosy and Typhoid will not work). This tip was given to me by the same friend who recommended this gold nugget and she got it directly from a Sephora security guard. This works especially well if all of the products you are returning are from one line or brand. I was able to return seven different Bare Minerals products I bought at Sephora by saying that they all burned my skin and left me with a rash. Gross and hyperbole, but plausible and successful.


Remember: There Isn't Only One Employee or One Sephora Store

If you go to return your products and are shown the door, always remember that there are more employees at that store and that there are other Sephoras in the world. Come back on another day and try again or even better, go to a different Sephora and give it a whirl. There will always be stricter employees and stricter stores so don't let being turned down defeat you; It is their secret gold nugget policy to accept anything for store credit that follows the above rules.


So that's it! I usually don't do two posts on the same day, but I was inspired to share how today, I cleaned off my makeup with Clorox wipes, waltzed to the Sephora four blocks away from my job, and was able to return $225 worth of Sephora makeup that has just been sitting, unused, around my bathroom. Give it a try.


EDIT: Comments have been locked on this post as I have been called dirty/filthy, a bitch, told that my parents should be ashamed of me, and the worst kind of person (Not murderers, rapists, or child molesters, right? Just me returning Sephora makeup at Sephora...) simply for reiterating the return policy of a company in order to help out those who would like to save money on unwanted Sephora products and are uninformed. I will not tolerate unwarranted harassment on my blog for a lax corporate policy over which I have no authority and which exists for every customer, beyond my personal purchases.