Accutane Really Does Work (Alternate Title: A Post Written By Captain Obvious)

I've been struggling with temperamental and sassy skin since I was about thirteen. Despite both of my parents having angel-skin, when I hit puberty my sebaceous glands exploded and acne began its dictatorship on my face. I tried the more accessible drugstore products first: Clean & Clear (more like Dirty & Pimply, am I right, ladies?), Neutrogena, Clearasil, I tried it all. Now I've come to believe that drugstore acne products are a conspiracy and that they never really clear up acne so that you're forced to keep funneling money into their products for all eternity (insert diabolical laugh), but I was thirteen then and my parents didn't care about my face, they cared about my grades - I took what I could get.

Around sixteen, my mom finally realized how distraught I was about my bubble-wrap face and decided to buy me Proactiv. "Get clear skin!" they said. "Solve all of your acne problems!" they said. Yea, if you're not allergic to Benzoyl Peroxide. I had to stay home from school for three days because my face swelled up about twice its normal size and was covered with a rough, red, alligator-texture rash. I was at my sexiest.

I thought it was a lost cause and so I spent the next couple of years slathering makeup on haphazardly to hide the blemishes. At eighteen, I moved to New York City to start as a freshman at NYU. I thought it wasn't possible for my skin to get any worse but BOY WAS I WRONG. It got so bad that I was finally forced to be an adult and go see a dermatologist. I was prescribed a course of Doxycycline, Clindamycin topical gel, and Retin-A Micro. And guess what? That shit WERKED.

Cut to a couple of months after the course of oral antibiotics was finished and my old friend acne had returned. My derm prescribed another course, and this cycle of success/represcribing a couple of months later when the acne returned continued until about a year and a half ago when the antibiotics stopped working completely. My pimples did a lot of scoffing and were very proud of themselves. For the time being - they had won.

This was taken right before I started Accutane and is a good indication of how shitty my skin had been for most of my life. This photo and all subsequent photos in this post were taken without makeup to give you the full picture. HONESTY, Y'ALL. REAL SHIT.

That was the first time my dermatologist mentioned Accutane. The only thing I knew about it at that time was that it was serious business and that it had a hilarious anti-pregnancy warning on the packaging. I was too nervous, he told me to research it a bit,

This is no joke the pregnancy
warning on Accutane. HILARIOUS.

and I was sent away with some useless topical cream to try. It didn't work (duh) and about two months later I came back to my derm for help. Again, he suggested Accutane, but a combination of sheer stubbornness and fear prevented me from saying yes. I left that day with a prescription face wash. During this time I even tried Benzoyl Peroxide again - rationalizing that I gave up too soon the previous time and that my skin just hadn't adjusted to the chemical (spoiler alert: I was still allergic). After yet another two months of agony, I came back in. "There's really nothing left to try at this point - except for Accutane," said my patient, tolerant, prince-of-a-derm. FINE. I'LL DO IT. JUST GET THIS SHIT OFF OF MY FACE. My response directly to him was a bit more polite. I also was not shouting (except internally).

I don't know if you guys know this about Accutane, but it is a pain in the ass to take. Before you start, you need to get blood taken to make sure all of your levels and potassium and sugar/spice and shit are on point. Then the doctor sends over an approval request to your insurance company, provided you have health insurance. The approval process takes about a month - then you need to come back in and get blood drawn to make sure you're not pregnant. This is because Accutane will cause you to have deformed Dawn of the Dead zombie babies. After the blood is analyzed, you come back in to see the doctor and get your first legit prescription for Accutane. However, before you can pick it up you have to go online and answer a series of condescending questions about your sexual activity (Is it OK to use condoms alone while on Accutane [as in, just condoms as birth control - not condoms for one]? Your significant other pulls out, is this enough [...to not have a baby]?). Once you make it through that Sex Ed pop quiz, you bring your prescription to the pharmacy (with your Accutane "I'm not pregnant" card - you think I'm kidding?) where you have a one-week window to pick up your monthly supply or else you have to redo EVERYTHING. And that's right, I said monthly supply because you have to repeat this process every month that you're on it.

So anyway, one month after that visit I'm sitting on the couch, about to take the first pill, when I start reading about Accutane's side effects. You thought WebMD was scary? What is this, amateur hour?! Accutane has been linked to arthritis, IBD (Chrone's disease, etc), kidney and liver issues/failure, chronic joint and muscle pain, depression, bipolar disorder, the disease from "Cabin Fever," and a hundred other terrifying things. I was frozen in fear and apprehension which quickly disolved into apathy as I took the first pill like the badass, taker-of-risks that I am (I'm not really a risk-taker, I was just so defeated and pretty much at the point where I'd live with an ouchy body if it meant not having pimples - I trust anyone who's had acne knows where my head was at).

Mid-way through my five-month Accutane treatment.

Starting about three weeks in and lasting the entire duration that I was on Accutane, I had chapped lips that could rival Khaleesi's when she was crossing the red waste (yea, I just did that), eyes so dry that they rejected contacts, and the strangest boogers, but other than that, I was actually fine. No aches, no pains, no major organ failure, and no flesh-eating rashes with Rider Strong (tying it back in to "Cabin Fever" here, people - try to keep up). Since my skin was super frail at this point (for example, you must avoid waxing as it will rip off the top layer of your skin - someone had to find this out the hard way, let's have a moment of silence for them), I switched my skincare regimen to the most delicate of products (LUSH's Ultrabland as face wash and Celestial as moisturizer) at the suggestion of my dermatologist.

Five months went by pretty quickly and although the process of getting blood taken, coming back a week later to get the prescription, answering pedantic questions, and then finally being able to get the medication was UGH SO ANNOYING - in the end it was 100% worth it. It's been a couple months since I finished taking it and my skin is only getting better each day. I haven't had to buy a blemish-related product since and my makeup has gotten steadily lighter and lighter. For the first time in my life, this past weekend, I ventured into public without any makeup on. I couldn't be more pleased.

Taken about a month ago and about a month after finishing Accutane. Again, no makeup here. MY EMOTIONS.

In terms of the side-effects, I got lucky. If you're interested in taking Accutane, please check with your dermatologist and go through the necessary smart-person steps before doing so. It is a serious drug and should be taken responsibly, under the watchful eye of a licensed doctor, and only after other attempts have failed you miserably.

Let me know if you have questions? I guess?

Band Review 17 Years Too Late: The Cranberries

Before you go saying "The Cranberries? Really? Weren't they popular about 300 years ago?," I suggest you stroll on over to their Wikipedia and educate yourself on the album they're going to release in 2012. THAT'S RIGHT, BITCHES. The Cranberries are back. Alright! ("Backstreet Boys" reference. Sorry).

Anyway, now that I've schooled you, let's move on. There's nothing like sliding in a few Cranberries songs onto a contemporary playlist to take it to the absolute next level and blow the toupées off of your balding friend's shiny heads. Most of you may know them by their numero uno hit "Zombie" which is unarguably one of the best songs ever recorded on the face of the planet. "Linger" and "Dreams" were also extremely popular in the 90s and admittedly, much less about bombs. Just listening to their dulcet banshee-with-musical-training-like tones conjures up images of Jordan Catalano being sexy yet difficult and Rex Manning putting the moves on girls way too young for him (the song "How" made its orgasmic appearance in the cult classic Empire Records). Just in case you're a musical fetus and have yet to experience the Cranberries in all of their glory, here are some Youtube videos of their greatest. Have a listen:

I'm not going to post the album-version of "How" because I firmly believe that you should just watch "Empire Records" if you want to hear it. They just don't make popular rock music like this anymore, do they? What would we compare the Cranberries to today? Hinder? Nickelback? Three Doors Down? I would rather die.

This karaoke picture was technically
taken during Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise,"
but you get the point.

Most of you reading this know who they are and have probably sang one of their songs at karaoke, much to the dismay of everyone involved. Let's face it, nobody can hit those awkward yodel-y parts quite like Sinéad O'Connor Dolores O'Riordan. Improve your life by simply downloading their albums and listening to them all the way through. If you're feeling particularly sexual and adventurous, add "How" onto your playlist right after "Gin and Juice II," but before "Judas." Trust me, you won't regret it.

Food Review: Arctic Zero Ice Cream

Let me start off by saying that I'm sincerely embarrassed by the state that my blog is in BUT, I do have a legitimate excuse. See, the boyfriend (you may know him as Sam "Stupidface" Gimbel) and I have been apartment hunting since the end of July and finally found a place late last week. If you've never apartment-hunted in New York...DON'T. I cannot stress this enough. I would rather spoon with Miley Cyrus or poop only in empty Poland Spring water bottles for an entire year than ever have to deal with New York apartment-hunting again. Sam and I plan on writing a team post about the experience so stay tuned.

Naturally, the past week I have used my free time to scour Craigslist for a replacement roommate in my current apartment and drink all the champagne and eat all the cheeseburgers in celebration of our new place. That, and troll the decor and DIY section of Pinterest and come up with zany ideas for the new place like a table made out of vintage rulers and mason jar chandeliers and shit. Our new place is in Park Slope, Brooklyn and it's majestic. I would give you all of the boring details on what trains are nearby (2, 3, 4, 5, A, C, B, D, G, N, R, Q, AKA ALL OF THEM) and how delicious bagels are also nearby (Bergen Bagels hollaaaaaaaaa), but I don't think that will impress any of you non-New Yorkers. Universally impressing is that there is a Target a stone's throw from our apartment and that we have our own private backyard that looks like this:

The wooden planters are being left for us but the Great Dane, unfortunately,  is not.

But I digress. I also apologize for all the bullshitting, belly-aching, and bragging...and alliteration. I hope you can take a couple paragraphs solely about ice cream as compensation for sifting through my nonsense. I discovered this ice cream on Tumblr, where it said very clearly on the container that it only had 150 calories PER PINT. Being someone who is figure-conscious but also loves to eat horrible food, I was immediately turned-on (not sexually...OK a little bit sexually). I made a stop at Whole Foods one rainy day on my way home from work and picked up some of the ice cream in chocolate and strawberry. I finished them within the next couple of days, GUILT FREE, and bought some more flavors (mint chocolate cookie, coffee, and vanilla maple).

Look at all of the choices!

I must say that the strawberry, vanilla maple, and coffee were by far my favorites, but I'm also not a huge chocolate person. They don't taste like full-fat ice creams and if you expect them to well, then, you're kind of stupid. These ice creams are, again, 150 calories PER PINT. You can eat the whole thing with the same amount of trepidation as you would exercise eating a cucumber wrap. Of course some of the flavor will be lost with the calorie cut, but if you ask me, it's well worth it. The ice cream is a nice, smooth, consistency and the flavors are true to form. In my opinion, the strawberry tastes like strawberry milk and the chocolate tastes like a fudgesicle (and the snozzberries taste like snozzberries). OM NOM NOM. The ingredient list also isn't long and foreboding like some other, more processed, ice creams:

INGREDIENTS: PURIFIED WATER, WHEY PROTEIN CONCENTRATE, ORGANIC CANE SUGAR, CHICORY ROOT, GUAR GUM, XANTHAM GUM, NATURAL FLAVORS, SEA SALT, ORGANIC MONK FRUIT.

Woops! The cat is out of the bag. This ice cream is also diary-free. Lactose intolerant readers just peed their pants with joy across the globe.

But furrealz, this stuff is pretty good. That being said, it's also not the best ice cream I've ever had. That also being said, The only foods I don't like are olives and cilantro (And I'll still eat them anyway, folks. Why? Because they're edible and I'm gross). Taking those facts into account, this ice cream might be disgusting. Who're you going to trust though: your own instincts or me in a face mask eating Arctic Zero?:

The choice is yours...

Product Review: Lush's Ultrabalm

I don't know why this post and my last post have both been so review-y. Maybe I'm under the illusion that people care about my opinions. Either way, I might review more shit in the future so hopefully these types of posts are tolerable.

I went to Sephora the other day to buy new makeup because I finally realized that the MAC Studio Fix Liquid Foundation I was wearing was a couple shades too dark and extremely cakey. I was expecting to go into Sephora, grab something by Make Up For Ever, and bounce (especially since I'm extremely awkward and avoid the sales associates like the plague). However, a very friendly Sephora employee, named Adrianne, approached me while I was trying to shade match myself for Make Up For Ever Duo Mat Powder Foundation and decided to go above and beyond the call of duty (haha doodie). After consulting with me about my skin type, she removed all of my makeup (she could tell I was really uncomfortable doing that, but was very supportive and told me it would help her find the best makeup for me), and told me she was going to try the Laura Mercier Oil-Free Tinted Moisturizer on my face. I had heard wonderful things about this product before and had actually considered getting it, so I was pumped. After she put some on with a pretty, fluffy brush that I ended up buying (sucker...) and added some Benefit Boi-ing Concealer, my skin tone was even and all of my small imperfections were covered up completely and naturally. I have very oily skin, so I have to wear a powder on top of the tinted foundation to set it so it doesn't slip off of my face, but other than that, it is absolutely perfect for me. And my face finally matches my neck!

Anyway, I kind of told you that little story so that I could segue into my next story. While she was taking off and putting on my makeup, the sales associate noticed that the area around my mouth, under my nose, and around my eyes was very dry and almost flaky/scaly. This was completely new territory for me because I have always had the oiliest skin ever and have never once had to deal with dry patches. I had thought that the flakiness was due to the cakey MAC foundation, but it was actually super dry skin! I was sent home with some Boscia exfoliator and a sample moisturizer to remedy my meth face. Unfortunately, despite the exfoliator and moisturizer making the rest of my skin radiant and smooth, the aforementioned areas were still dry and flaky. I was at a loss.

I started brainstorming yesterday in the late afternoon and remembered how I've heard a lot of people say Vaseline really helps them get rid of super-dry patches of skin. I didn't want to buy anymore things in case they didn't work so I thought a bit harder. Then, I remember that I had bought a mini tin of Lush's Ultrabalm from a very convincing sales lady (Lush sales people are simultaneously the best and the worst) about two months earlier. The mini tin was only $2 and I could bring it back in, empty, for 10% off (or something similar) the regular-sized Ultrabalm. Before bed last night, I slathered the balm on my upper-lip/under-nose area and all around my eyes.

This morning I woke up with perfectly smooth, flake-free skin. It was that simple and only took one night and $2 to fix. When I first bought Ultrabalm, it was described to me as "Lush's version of Vaseline, but without all of the crap in it and BETTER." That's exactly what it is. With an ingredient list solely of organic Jojoba oil, Candelilla wax, and Rose Wax, this is a must have for anybody with dry skin or anyone who has oily skin and discovers that their mouth is freakishly dry one day. The full size is $12.95 and a little bit goes a long way. Why are you still reading my post? GO BUY THIS SHIT.

Artist Review: Adele

I'm really just making this post because I have absolutely no idea what to write about and just want a platform where I can rave like a banshee about Adele. Before this, I spent about ten minutes trying to write a post combining science and sandwiches, but then I realized that I had no idea what I was talking about and am just really hungry/wanted to include HD pictures of sandwiches in a post. To fulfill the latter desire:

Get in mah bellay!

Now that I've been placated, let's talk about Adele. I have no idea where she came from, but it seems like I blinked my eyes and her complete discography was all over the radio and everyone and their mom knew who she was. Prior to finding the spotlight, Adele was hurt bad. I mean real bad. That, or she is extremely creative and imaginative because almost every song's message is "I love you but ow, my heart" or "You really cut me deep and now I'm going to fuck up your shit." Her voice is like an angel's wet willie and I find myself listening to her albums on repeat. I also find myself singing with her, full blast and pants-less, in my room at 1:00am on a Sunday night (Monday morning?). But that's a different story. Her single, Rolling In The Deep, sounds like Etta James or Tina Turner but BETTER (yea, I said it). I have yet to have a negative reaction to my semi-fascist force-people-to-sit-down-and-listen-to-Adele sessions.

On top of all her mad harmonious skillz, Adele is just an awesome person. She is a curvier lady who does not give a single fuck about the beauty standards of society and the pressure that is put on her in the music industry to look a certain way. Below are some of Adele's most fabulous, body-positive quotes:

FUCK. YES. Reading stuff like this makes me feel incredibly empowered as woman who constantly struggles with loving her body (don't we all?). To stand up and say stuff like this, without shaming the other women who choose to go a different, more provacative, route, takes a lot of cajones and cerebros (that's balls and brains for you non-Spanish speakers [I don't speak Spanish either. I had to ask Sam, which led to me wondering if Spanish zombies moan "Cerebrossssssss..."]). Anyway, now I'm distracted by zombie thoughts and by how many parentheses are in the previous sentence. Punctuation, y u make me sad? Moving forward, Adele is a positive role model for women everywhere to learn to love themselves, respect other women, and do what's right and comfortable for them without judging and putting down others. Behind those angelic wet willies is a woman worth listening to, both with accompaniment and without.

I think that concludes this installment of "Taylor's Unfocused And Grammatically Offensive Tirades," or as you like to call it, "http://majorstranger.blogspot.com/." To sum up everything that's been discussed, here is a picture of Adele eating a sandwich (burgers are sandwiches, right?):