Accutane Really Does Work (Alternate Title: A Post Written By Captain Obvious)

I've been struggling with temperamental and sassy skin since I was about thirteen. Despite both of my parents having angel-skin, when I hit puberty my sebaceous glands exploded and acne began its dictatorship on my face. I tried the more accessible drugstore products first: Clean & Clear (more like Dirty & Pimply, am I right, ladies?), Neutrogena, Clearasil, I tried it all. Now I've come to believe that drugstore acne products are a conspiracy and that they never really clear up acne so that you're forced to keep funneling money into their products for all eternity (insert diabolical laugh), but I was thirteen then and my parents didn't care about my face, they cared about my grades - I took what I could get.

Around sixteen, my mom finally realized how distraught I was about my bubble-wrap face and decided to buy me Proactiv. "Get clear skin!" they said. "Solve all of your acne problems!" they said. Yea, if you're not allergic to Benzoyl Peroxide. I had to stay home from school for three days because my face swelled up about twice its normal size and was covered with a rough, red, alligator-texture rash. I was at my sexiest.

I thought it was a lost cause and so I spent the next couple of years slathering makeup on haphazardly to hide the blemishes. At eighteen, I moved to New York City to start as a freshman at NYU. I thought it wasn't possible for my skin to get any worse but BOY WAS I WRONG. It got so bad that I was finally forced to be an adult and go see a dermatologist. I was prescribed a course of Doxycycline, Clindamycin topical gel, and Retin-A Micro. And guess what? That shit WERKED.

Cut to a couple of months after the course of oral antibiotics was finished and my old friend acne had returned. My derm prescribed another course, and this cycle of success/represcribing a couple of months later when the acne returned continued until about a year and a half ago when the antibiotics stopped working completely. My pimples did a lot of scoffing and were very proud of themselves. For the time being - they had won.

This was taken right before I started Accutane and is a good indication of how shitty my skin had been for most of my life. This photo and all subsequent photos in this post were taken without makeup to give you the full picture. HONESTY, Y'ALL. REAL SHIT.

That was the first time my dermatologist mentioned Accutane. The only thing I knew about it at that time was that it was serious business and that it had a hilarious anti-pregnancy warning on the packaging. I was too nervous, he told me to research it a bit,

This is no joke the pregnancy
warning on Accutane. HILARIOUS.

and I was sent away with some useless topical cream to try. It didn't work (duh) and about two months later I came back to my derm for help. Again, he suggested Accutane, but a combination of sheer stubbornness and fear prevented me from saying yes. I left that day with a prescription face wash. During this time I even tried Benzoyl Peroxide again - rationalizing that I gave up too soon the previous time and that my skin just hadn't adjusted to the chemical (spoiler alert: I was still allergic). After yet another two months of agony, I came back in. "There's really nothing left to try at this point - except for Accutane," said my patient, tolerant, prince-of-a-derm. FINE. I'LL DO IT. JUST GET THIS SHIT OFF OF MY FACE. My response directly to him was a bit more polite. I also was not shouting (except internally).

I don't know if you guys know this about Accutane, but it is a pain in the ass to take. Before you start, you need to get blood taken to make sure all of your levels and potassium and sugar/spice and shit are on point. Then the doctor sends over an approval request to your insurance company, provided you have health insurance. The approval process takes about a month - then you need to come back in and get blood drawn to make sure you're not pregnant. This is because Accutane will cause you to have deformed Dawn of the Dead zombie babies. After the blood is analyzed, you come back in to see the doctor and get your first legit prescription for Accutane. However, before you can pick it up you have to go online and answer a series of condescending questions about your sexual activity (Is it OK to use condoms alone while on Accutane [as in, just condoms as birth control - not condoms for one]? Your significant other pulls out, is this enough [...to not have a baby]?). Once you make it through that Sex Ed pop quiz, you bring your prescription to the pharmacy (with your Accutane "I'm not pregnant" card - you think I'm kidding?) where you have a one-week window to pick up your monthly supply or else you have to redo EVERYTHING. And that's right, I said monthly supply because you have to repeat this process every month that you're on it.

So anyway, one month after that visit I'm sitting on the couch, about to take the first pill, when I start reading about Accutane's side effects. You thought WebMD was scary? What is this, amateur hour?! Accutane has been linked to arthritis, IBD (Chrone's disease, etc), kidney and liver issues/failure, chronic joint and muscle pain, depression, bipolar disorder, the disease from "Cabin Fever," and a hundred other terrifying things. I was frozen in fear and apprehension which quickly disolved into apathy as I took the first pill like the badass, taker-of-risks that I am (I'm not really a risk-taker, I was just so defeated and pretty much at the point where I'd live with an ouchy body if it meant not having pimples - I trust anyone who's had acne knows where my head was at).

Mid-way through my five-month Accutane treatment.

Starting about three weeks in and lasting the entire duration that I was on Accutane, I had chapped lips that could rival Khaleesi's when she was crossing the red waste (yea, I just did that), eyes so dry that they rejected contacts, and the strangest boogers, but other than that, I was actually fine. No aches, no pains, no major organ failure, and no flesh-eating rashes with Rider Strong (tying it back in to "Cabin Fever" here, people - try to keep up). Since my skin was super frail at this point (for example, you must avoid waxing as it will rip off the top layer of your skin - someone had to find this out the hard way, let's have a moment of silence for them), I switched my skincare regimen to the most delicate of products (LUSH's Ultrabland as face wash and Celestial as moisturizer) at the suggestion of my dermatologist.

Five months went by pretty quickly and although the process of getting blood taken, coming back a week later to get the prescription, answering pedantic questions, and then finally being able to get the medication was UGH SO ANNOYING - in the end it was 100% worth it. It's been a couple months since I finished taking it and my skin is only getting better each day. I haven't had to buy a blemish-related product since and my makeup has gotten steadily lighter and lighter. For the first time in my life, this past weekend, I ventured into public without any makeup on. I couldn't be more pleased.

Taken about a month ago and about a month after finishing Accutane. Again, no makeup here. MY EMOTIONS.

In terms of the side-effects, I got lucky. If you're interested in taking Accutane, please check with your dermatologist and go through the necessary smart-person steps before doing so. It is a serious drug and should be taken responsibly, under the watchful eye of a licensed doctor, and only after other attempts have failed you miserably.

Let me know if you have questions? I guess?

How to Cure a Yeast Infection In the Most Delicious Way

Let me start off this post by saying no, this isn't about farming vaginal yeast to make artisanal bread and yes, you should not continue reading this if you have a twig and berries between your legs (you've been warned, gentlemen). Now, onto the yeasty goodness.

Vaginas are a bitch. One wrong move that disrupts the delicate flora, fauna, and merryweather (possibly fairies from "Sleeping Beauty" and not vaginal components), and you're off to the gynecologist to get your

What the yeast are up to in there. Science.

hoo-ha scraped and poked. If you're like me, you try everything you can yourself before you tell an adult.

Home remedies can be almost as complicated as putting on pants and actually going to the doctor. They can also be complete Whole Foods organic bullshit. You can read the testimonials all you want, but who can you really trust on the internet? Are you really going to rest ice cubes on your forehead to get rid of belly button lint just because some lady in Omaha swore by it? I did, and I still have belly button lint.

Anyway, yeast infections can be caused by the most innocuous things such as sex or antibiotics. I've heard even thinking too hard about yeast infections can cause yeast infections (turn back now). If you suspect that your vagina is being invaded by things that are better served in a winery, follow the steps below to get rid of them without even putting on pants!


Note: I am not a doctor. If you have the clap and do this, it will probably burn like the inside of Mount Doom and be completely ineffective. Check your symptoms here and only proceed with the whole listening-to-a-random-chick thing at your own risk.


1. If you're experiencing a lot of burning/soreness, I would first suggest going out to the store and getting plain yogurt (no sugar!), dipping a tampon in it, and inserting it into your junk like you normally would. The cool yogurt is very soothing and contains the natural probiotic bacteria that gets rid of yeast! Do that overnight and then proceed with the steps below. If you're just a bit itchy/not really burning a lot, proceed to step two.

Your new best friend. LYLAS, garlic!

2. Get yo'self some garlic. You want to use fresh garlic and you'll need anywhere from 2-6 cloves depending on how bad your infection is.

3. Take one clove and unwrap the paper-like layers off. Then, with a sharp knife, slice each side off very thinly so that what's exposed is the wet part (this is all very technical wording, I know). It's sort of like you're preparing a delicious Italian dish except not at all because it's going straight into your vagoo and there's no pasta involved (I mean, there can be if you start to feel peckish).

4. Take a needle and thread and poke it straight through the center of the clove. Pull it through so that both sides are about equal in length and then cut the needle off. Tie the thread in a knot around the clove as many times as you want. Just make sure it's secure because the last thing you want is to lose a clove of garlic in your vagina for eternity.

5. For the pièce de résistance, insert the clove into your snatch with the thread hanging out so that, when you're ready, you can remove it like a tampon.


Some Extra Info:

♥ It will probably burn like a bitch going in. That is complete normal albeit annoying. It will subside in about two minutes.
♥ Replace the garlic with a fresh clove every morning and every evening before bed. You don't want it getting nasty in there.
♥ The human body is a crazy bananas thing and during this process, you will taste garlic in your mouth and it will be SO FUCKING WEIRD. I actually discussed this on my first date with my boyfriend, Sam. I'm such a keeper, right?
♥ Try to refrain from sexy things until you're all cured. Unless your significant other REALLY enjoys garlic bread.
♥ This method works because garlic is a natural antifungal and antibacterial and will kill all dat yeast for you.
♥ As my friend Erol just pointed out, your vagina will also be protected from vampires. How's that for killing two birds?


Oh, and if you have some AZO Yeast tablets, Garlic tablets, and/or Acidophilus tablets (you can get all of these at your drugstore), take two of each per day. It also helps to avoid sticking sugary treats in your vagina. Good luck!

How To Lose 60 Pounds Like Now

Let me start this off by saying that I'm not a doctor (although I do like limping, being grumpy, and pretending to be House sometimes). I am also not a chef or a personal trainer. If you don't want to take weight loss advice from me, then don't. If you want to listen to advice from a reputable source, turn away now. I am only writing about what worked for me personally and may, very well, work for you too. Being heavier or overweight does not an unhealthy person make, BUT if you feel sluggish, lethargic, and just generally not healthy, like I did before I lost the weight, then it's probably time for a change.

I used to eat shit. Not literally, because that's gross. I mean I used to eat food that was horrible for me. I didn't skimp on the portions either, let me tell you. I didn't lift a pinky finger to work it off via exercise either. I was literally the perfect example of an unhealthy person. I had tried a million times in my life to go on a diet and lose the weight as fast as possible, but nothing ever stuck (for obvious reasons). I tried Atkins, South Beach, Slim Fast, Weight Watchers, Hoodia spray (yes, this is real life), and God knows what else. I was around 140 lbs throughout high school (and at 5'7", that's right where I needed to be). After freshmen year of high school finished, I steadily gained a couple pounds as each year went by. I ballooned even more in college (more like freshmen 40 for me) and, by the time I graduated NYU in 2009, I was 196 lbs. The day I stepped on the scale and saw that I was 4 lbs away from being 200 lbs, heavier than my FATHER, was the day I decided to change my life.

See the wording I used up there? I'm not talking about a temporary diet to get rid of all the weight only to have me gain it back a couple of months later. I was talking about a full-blown, thought-out, lifestyle overhaul. Here's some advice on how to eat and get your exercise on if you want to do what I did:


Fewd:

♥ Use this website to track your daily calorie intake and your daily activity output. Make a profile based on your height, weight, age, sex, desired weight goal, desired weight goal date, and activity level. The website will then give you a daily net calorie intake that you should meet in order to meet your goals. Mine is somewhere around 1,200 so I just try to eat that amount per day or, eat more than that amount, and then exercise off the difference. It's basic math! There are about 3,500 calories in a pound. If your calorie intake to maintain your current weight is 2,500, and you have a net calorie intake of 1,500 per day, you should lose a pound in three and a half days (this isn't always exact though, given factors like bloating, water-weight, and digestion).
♥ Eat TONS of vegetables and fruits. Mountains of them.
♥ Eat protein and carbs too, but be careful. Only eat lean meats (shrimp is VERY low-calorie and high-protein, for example) and complex/whole wheat carbs (no white bread, white pasta, etc.)
♥ Snack like a mofo, but snack smart. Berries, nuts, cups of green tea, celery, baby carrots, and pretzel twists are all your friend. You can even eat things like goldfish crackers but just make sure you dish yourself out a serving size (for example: there are about 55 goldfish in a serving so, dish out 55 exactly, then put the rest away and whatever you do, DO NOT GET MORE).
♥ Portion control! Eat all of the lower-calorie things on your plate first (soup, salad, veggies, etc.). This will help you get full and consume less calories than you normally would. Also try to leave some on your plate. If you were conditioned by your family to eat ALL THE THINGS (like I was), this can be hard. Don't forget to pay attention to serving size. Boxes of mac n' cheese look healthy at first glance with only 250 or so calories, but then you notice that is for each serving and there are 2.5-3 servings per box. That whole box of mac n' cheese is near 700 calories! Be careful of sneaky food. Ice cream is sneaky with serving size too, but you shouldn't be eating that anyway (sorbet or frozen yogurt is your BFF).
♥ I'm lazy and a horrible cook, so I bought/buy a lot of frozen/pre-made meals. As always, be wary of the calorie content. Another thing to pay attention to is the sodium. Sometimes, it can be through the roof on healthier frozen meals like Lean Cuisine because they want to try to add some flavor without adding the calories. As a rule, I like Amy's brand foods for pre-made purposes and have found that their meals are generally better calorie, ingredient, and sodium-wise than other leading brands.
♥ Fat-free, low-fat, sugar-free, low-calorie, and zero calories are key words to look for when shopping for or ordering food. Look for these options on all the food you buy. They help save random calories and usually don't compromise taste/flavor TOO much. Although you shouldn't drink soda, I can't help myself because I love the fizzy garbage. If you're like me, go for the diet option. You'll be consuming 0 calories rather than about 100 calories per 8 oz glass (not to mention the out-of-control amount of sugar). Do yourself a favor and don't drink your calories. It's a waste!
♥ The following foods, in moderation, are always on my grocery list. They are amazing for you and should be your go-to food choices: whole wheat pita bread, hummus, Dreamfields' whole wheat pasta, low-sodium pasta sauce, whole wheat, low-carb bread (Weight Watchers makes a decent one) OR whole wheat sandwich thins (Arnold's and Pepperidge Farm make them and it's only 100 calories for two slices of bread), celery, cucumbers, berries, bananas, fat-free greek yogurt (flavored or unflavored), Laughing Cow cheese wedges, light Babybel cheese wheels, pickles (I LOVE pickles), any lean meats (chicken, shrimp, turkey, tuna, etc.) to grill or use as cold cuts in sammiches, brussel sprouts (cook on a baking sheet with a bit of olive oil, salt, and pepper at 400 degrees for 35-40 minutes or until golden and crispy on the outside), quinoa, chicken sausage (comes in many flavors), sugar-free JELL-O, Boca or Morningstar veggie burgers and "Chik'n" patties (not the BEST ever for you, but low-calorie and filled with protein), Skinny Cow ice cream bars, and much more!
♥ All of the above being said, LIVE A LITTLE. If you force yourself to quit everything cold turkey and never eat the things you love, you will end up binging and ruining your new lifestyle. If you want a cheeseburger, have it. If you want a piece of pizza, have it (and savor it!). Having something when you really want it will prevent you from going apeshit and ordering a whole pie, alone one night, and eating the entire thing to the face. Also, let yourself have a taste of a friend's less-healthy meal when you go out to eat. You'll still get to try the higher-calorie flavors that you love without the effects and possible weight gain of eating something unhealthy.



Essercise:


♥ I HATE working out, but it must be done. Deal with it.
♥ If you're heavier and not used to working out (and you can afford it), the Wii Fit is an amazing way to get started. I used the Wii Fit for the first four months of my life overhaul. The hula hoop workout will change your life (and you'll look SO STUPID doing it).
♥ After that, I needed something higher-impact, so I started running. In the beginning, it will be very hard and you'll walk a good chunk of the way. Force yourself to run a little bit further each day. Eventually, you'll be able to run about four miles (or more!) every day and it's an amazing workout.
♥ To switch it up, I would sometimes run up and down all of the flights of stairs in my apartment building for about 30 minutes. Running stairs REALLY works you out. Trust me.
♥ When winter hit, I needed something to do indoors so that I didn't freeze my ass off running. Jillian Michaels' 30-Day Shred is an amazing workout for someone who needs something high-impact but doesn't have a lot of time. It is only 30 or so minutes long but it fucks. your. shit. up.
♥ Weight-training, free-dancing, and jump-roping are good ways to get a workout without having a set "routine" and also to switch up your current workout.


Results:

Before (early 2009): 196 lbs

After (late 2010): 136 lbs

I'm a size 6 in jeans now. I used to be a size 16! I'm still trying to lose a bit of weight nowadays, but the important part is that I'm finally at a healthy weight for my height and I have infinitely more energy. I partially wrote this post to remember where I came from and hopefully get myself back on track health-wise. But, for the most part, I wrote it to help other people that are like 2009 Taylor get healthy on their own terms and change their life for the better. As always, If you have anything weight loss-related that you'd like to ask me or need clarification on (again, I am not a doctor or a specialist and can only give my opinion and advice based on my journey) hit me up in the comments or here.

Germs And Worms

One leads to the other and for the past four or so years, I've been convinced that I have the latter. I told the following story on my Livejournal many moons ago and due to a recent influx in requests to retell it by my co-workers, I'm also going to retell it here.

Back in 2009, when I worked as a veterinary assistant/receptionist at a practice in Greenwich Village, I was told an interesting story by a patient of ours (or client I guess, since the patients are the animals and none of her pets were feeling especially anecdotal). She had come in for one of her cats' annual exams and I couldn't help but notice that she had lost about 30 pounds since I had last seen her. This was when I was at my heaviest, so of course, I had to know what her secret was. Here's where it gets creepy...

She had gotten extremely ill a couple of month earlier and it got to the point where she had to go to the emergency room because she couldn't stop vomiting. After a battery of tests at the hospital, the doctors decided that it would be best if they removed her gallbladder. Being very apprehensive about surgery (as most people should be) and big into holistic medicine (as most people should only somewhat be), she decided

All intestinal parasites look like
mini Beetlejuice sandworms, right?

to check into a cleansing facility and heal herself by removing whatever toxins were causing her to be ill. This facility started off the cleanse with a couple days of fasting. On her second or third day there, she went into the bathroom to do her business and when she got up, she discovered a long, white WORM in the toilet. Upon further investigation and explanation from the staff of the cleansing facility, she discovered that she pooped out a tapeworm and that it was quite a common event in that facility (can you imagine working in a place were tapeworms were the rule and not the exception?). According to them, when you don't eat anything, tapeworms often migrate down the digestive tract (closer to the colon) looking for food and will actually end up being passed with waste in search of said food. Horrified, she decided to go see a well-respected parasitologist stationed in New York City.

Upon further testing, it was determined that she had two different types of parasites in her body: one was the tapeworm which she had acquired on a recent vacation to Bora Bora and the other had been living in her body for 16 years. 16 FLIPPING YEARS. The worms were in her lungs and all throughout her body. They were causing her to be tired all of the time and, despite being an active person, hold onto 30+ pounds. They were also what was causing her to constantly vomit. She was given medication and once she finished her course and eliminated the worms from her system, she lost all of the weight in the blink of an eye. After her experience she referred three friends to the parasitologist to get tested (these friends weren't even showing any symptoms); two of them tested positive for different types of worms/parasites.

She then decided to pass some of the doctor's insight onto me and, along with the story she had already told me, scare me into a wormy panic for the rest of my natural-born life. The parasitologist estimated that over 60% of the population is hosting parasites and don't even know it. Think of all the things you touch without washing your hands, all of the food you buy from a questionable source, everything single thing you do! And there I was, having worked as a vet assistant for the past six or so months, where I rubbed puppies and kittens all over my face only to have their stool tests come back the following day positive for disgusting shit like giardia and coccidia. I was convinced that I was infected with a plethora of worms and parasites. I could actually feel them crawling around in my intestines at the very moment she finished telling me the story.

Around this time, I went on my first date with Sam. Much to his dismay, I'm sure, I gushed about how I was convinced my bowels were infested with worms over our sushi dinner (I have absolutely no internal filter). I guess he digs girls who are good hostesses (get it?!) because this coming Saturday, we've been together for a whole year. What is wrong with him?

Anyway, a couple of weeks later and after hours of online research, I ended up buying some strange black walnut and wormwood tincture that tasted like fresh butts and cement. It was rumored to be a natural dewormer and after I started taking it, every bowel movement was a terrifying gamble with fate. Was this the time I would look into the toilet and see a giant worm? Lucky for me (or unlucky for me) it never happened. At least if I would have seen a definitive worm, I would know that I didn't have them anymore. There were only two options: either I never had worms (less than a 40% chance of that!) or the tincture was ineffective. I guess the only way to know for sure is to hit up the parasitologist and explain my paranoid wormy thoughts to him. One day.

Going To The Gynecologist

If you're a prissy man who can't handle the thought of what goes on behind the doors of an OB/GYN, then turn around now. You're the same type of guy who goes "ewwww" when a girl even says the word "period," regardless of whether you're in English Grammar And Punctuation 101 with her or not. These are human bodies. Many mammals menstruate (overtly or covertly) but they can't go to the Gyno for obvious reasons (even though I'd love to see a hedgehog get a pap smear). Anyway, to those men, peace out and grow up.

Yesterday, I went to the Gyno (or cervix goblin, as I like to call them) for my annual exam. I had forgotten what a hoot it was (this comment is dripping with sarcasm)! It was my first appointment at this practice (I had recently decided to switch because my old Gyno was disappointingly run like a sweat clinic [hybrid of a

House M.D.

sweat shop and a clinic]). Either way, this was exciting because I got to sit down with Dr. Pilshchik and answer the intake questions (my favorite part). Do I smoke and drink? Sometimes. Do I have a boyfriend? Yes. Do I have AIDS? No. What am I allergic to? Biaxin and Benzoyl Peroxide. What happens when I use them? Gross hive-y things. Finally, she got to the last question: Do I have any pets? I love talking about my bunny and my cat, as you can tell. However, I'm a little fuzzy on what either of them have to do with my vagoo. My manager at work told me it probably is some Toxoplasmosis-related foresight if I were to get pregnant in the future (PLEASE NO, knock on ALL the wood). I honestly still have no clue why she asked me but again, it was a chance to gush about House M.D. and Shadow, so I didn't mind.

Me and my Shadow

At this point she brought me into the exam room where I got a pap smear and had my ovaries tickled and smushed (the scientific way to check for cysts). Let me just say now that pap smears suck every time. I don't even think I'd enjoy them if I was given an avocado and a glow stick to distract me during the procedure. That, and the stirrups are the most awkward things ever; they just make me feel so vaginally equestrian. Overall it was a quick, thorough, and satisfying (not like that) visit. If I were rating my Gyno on Amazon.com, she would get five stars.


On the off chance that there is some sort of virtual suggestion box for all OB/GYNs out there, I'd like to advise possibly finding another way to smear my pap that doesn't involve so much pinching and pulling. Also, why don't you cervix goblins sell sex toys? After all, this is a women's health facility, right? I feel like it would be extremely profitable for both parties if there was a room in the practice that was devoted to explaining and selling sex toys. What do you think? Am I out of line? Sam seems to think so, as he likened it to Proctologists selling butt plugs and Podiatrists selling foot fetish paraphernalia. I think I'm onto something though.