How To Trick Yourself Into Feeling Clean Without Actually Showering

Happy mushroom farmer

This post is loosely based off of a conversation thread or two in my favorite exclusive Livejournal community, smash_club. If you shower regularly and are the picture of hygiene, than this post obviously is not for you. If you're like me and you find yourself too exhausted from work/school/farming mushrooms/whatever to clean your own body when you get home, then read on. Please note: I'm talking about skipping a day or two every now and then. For the most part, I shower every day. Don't start spreading rumors.


Spot Wash The Important Parts

I can't believe I'm saying this (my mom reads my blog for fuck's sake), but wash your bathing suit areas. This means your junk. All of your junk. No need to go crazy because then let's face it, you might as well just hop in the damned shower. Just take a damp washcloth and go for the gold. If you're feeling especially fancy, wipe down your armpits and neck too.


Change Your Clothes

The clothes you're currently wearing have, no doubt, absorbed some of your nastiness and filth by now. Change into something crisp and clean and the cycle will start anew. The detergenty smell of the new threads is guaranteed to make you feel a little bit fresher, at least temporarily. If you're too lazy to change your outfit, at least change your draws (drawers? I'm talking undies). It will make a world of difference.


Wash Your Face And If You Have Bangs, Wash Those Babies Too

If your face and crotchbutt are clean, you will also feel clean. This is just basic biology (or is basic biology more about mitochondria and phyla and shit?). Wash your face with cool water and soap. If you have bangs, like I do, give them a good shampoo in the sink. Boom! You are squeaky, Mr. Clean clean!


Dry Shampoo Is Your Friend

Spray that shit all over your nasty hair. I'll be honest, even when I'm showering daily (again, MOST OF THE TIME), I rarely wash my hair. I like to tell people that this is because my hair is extra thick and can withstand

Marie Antionette: another fierce lady who rarely showered.

the natural oil buildup and New York City street debris. This is true, but I also push the envelope a bit when it

comes to hair hygiene. Flip your hair to one side and then spritz it with the dry shampoo layer by layer. The dry shampoo absorbs some of the oil and gives your hair a bit of fluff. This is not really too noticeable though. What it DOES do is make your hair smell like product for the day instead of like ass tacos and shame.


So Is Perfume

Everywhere. Don't make me say it again. Just spray that shit. Perfume used to cover up the fact that people didn't shower often back in the Renaissance-y days, and it can help you do that today as well.


Braid Some or All of Your Hair Into Something As Intricate As...I Don't Know...Math?

You want it out of your face and off of your neck right? Well braid it! You can french braid (if you're skilled like that, I'm not), braid yourself a headband from the hair behind your ear, make a low braid and put it all back (make sure to take this out in the evening before it turns into dreadlocks from sheer filth volume alone), braid it all up and across your head like a little milkmaid, or even braid just the front section (this is technically a twist). Everyone will compliment your steady hands and dedication because everyone fucking LOVES braids. It's a fact. Not only that, all of the hair-related compliments will make you feel less soiled and more awesome. Troof.


So those are my tips. Am I a disgusting person? Probably. Is this relevant to my current cleanliness? I don't want to tell you (is that ass taco and shame I sense?). Either way, I hope these things are helpful next time you're feeling less than fresh. And I'm sorry for all the cursing, mom.


Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Dressing Like Lonely Tourist Charlotte Charles All Day, Errrday

 

I had completely forgot about how amazing Pushing Daisies was is until Sam and I started watching it on Netflix yesterday (it's his first time and while the narrator and general whimsy ground his gears when he watched the pilot, I think he's slowly becoming obsessed). What's even more amazing than the kitschy plot and vibrant candy colors are the characters' wardrobes. I find myself most drawn to Charlotte "Chuck" Charles' character's clothing choices: bubblegum pink dresses, monochromatic outfits, hyperbolic accessories, 50s/60s-inspired looks, and overall über-feminine shapes. Everything she wears just looks so rich and fancy without being over-the-top and costumey. Plus, her look lands her Lee Pace, and who wouldn't want that thick-eyebrowed, long-eyelashed sexpot?

So, how does one get this look without spending a fortune? One word: Etsy. If your budget is a bit higher than mine (my dress maximum tops out at like $30), you'll be rolling in thousands of choices. Simply search 50s or even 60s in the "Dress" subcategory under "Clothing" under "Vintage," and scroll away. Feel free to adjust your price min and max or even sort from lowest to highest price in order to get the best deals. Here are some details to look for:

♥ Bright Colors - The more vibrant the better! Focus on bold blues/aquas, grassy greens, bubblegum pinks, bright sunny yellows/oranges, hot reds, and true purples. Chuck also wears prints and pastels sometimes so really you just need to avoid "dull" colors such as browns, whites, blacks, and beiges (unless they are included in a pattern).

♥ Monochrome - Chuck is very fond of wearing the same color from head to toe but varying it by a couple of shades. This means pairing canary yellows with mustard yellows and baby pinks with melons. Be creative!

♥ Feminine Shapes - Cinched waists, full skirts, hourglass shapes. You want your dress to be tight at the top with an interesting neckline, fit at the waist, and then end in a full skirt (if you can pull off a shift dress [I absolutely cannot] you can also look for that shape). Most Etsy sellers include the dress measurements at the bottom so do your best to choose a dress that matches your bust and waist size almost exactly.

♥ Understated Details - Ornate detailing is also important, but not necessary. If all else fails, get a simple shirt dress (like Chuck's in the bottom right panel). If you're feeling a bit more ambitious, go for items that have some crochet work, beading, lace detail, and even eyelets. Keep it simple though: these details are only accents and should not cover the entire dress.

♥ Eye-Catching Accessories - When you're ready, feel free to search for some accessories to pair with your dress. You want to focus on oblong hats, funky rounded and cat eye sunglasses, basic flats and heels, and flower and bow-adorned headbands/hair ties (the bigger, the better).

If you're not into scouring Etsy, you can check out stores like Asos, Zara, Modcloth, Anthropologie, or Dorothy Perkins (H&M would probably work out too, but they don't have a U.S. website, jerks). If you click on the store names, I have already pre-selected a Lonely Tourist-friendly dress from each site! Also, pants, skirts, shorts, and shirts are not off-limits. Just remember to follow the above rules and you can really make any piece into a Chuck-worthy creation.

And in case you're wondering how I channeled Chuck today (with limited clothing options, mind you), here's a polyvore of what I'm wearing right this very moment:

Chuck by majorstranger featuring kimchi blue shoes

I know I know, It's not ideal, but I worked with what I had. Do note that the yellow top is a brighter, more pastelly yellow than the photo is letting on. Also note that I am in no way a fashion blogger or fashionista. I can barely dress myself 97% of the time and end up defaulting to a slouchy/over-sized shirt and jeans. Anyway, have fun! And whatever you do, don't touch any pie-makers.

My First Chocolatey Post

Chocolate, but not my chocolate.

So this is the very beginning of it all. The first post ever on the first page ever of my first blog ever (except not really, I have like five others). What better way to kick this baby off than to start off by telling the world how much chocolate I just ate? I'll describe it as best as I can (even though I sort of blacked out during) so you can feel as if you were there with me.

I was minding my own business, finished up the leftover Mongolian BBQ from yesterday's lunch, when a coworker quietly suggested I try some Kinder Shoko-Bons. After having consumed my body mass in Kinder Buenos yesterday, I really didn't have the will power to refuse. The four Shoko-Bons were immediately followed by four Dark Chocolate Hershey Kisses, four triangular pieces of a Milk Chocolate Toblerone, two Hershey Krackel fun-size bars (fun-size indeed), one mini Milky Way, and one mini Almond Joy (which I promptly told to fuck off since I've never liked coconut involved in my business affairs). At this point, I was using the more pedestrian chocolate as palate-cleansers for the European and Mexican chocolates we had leftover from team members' various vacations. It was finally brought to my attention that I had been doing laps around the immediate office area and shoving whatever resembled chocolate into my face. As most of you may know, this is quite the dangerous endeavor when you remember how much chocolate going into your body resembles chocolate coming out of your body. Now that I've slowed down, I'm finally writing this first entry after hours of tinkering in the "Design" tab but mainly, I can't stop thinking about the more chocolate that's a couple of feet away from me.




Anyway, now that story time is out of the way, I'm sure you want to know what kind of shit to expect from my blog in the future:

♥ Food is at the very top of the list. Even if my post isn't about food at all, there might be pornographic pictures of food. This is how I roll (mmm now I want a roll).
♥ How my life relates to various episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and what this means when discussing my general mental health and well-being.
♥ Makeup and clothes: why I buy so many, where on my body I put them, and if they stop being used after the second or third go and remain in a drawer/closet for the rest eternity.
♥ I might explain why I hate any fictional media involving space. I also might not and you'll just have to come to terms with that.
♥ Feminism, sexism, racism, and ableism. Expect a lot of isms.
♥ Things that make you go "Awwww" and then your eyes or ovaries (provided you have a set) explode. An example of this is the YouTube video, Cookie Monster. May the first sentence of this bullet serve as a warning when watching this. I will not be held responsible for any dangly eyes or splodey ovaries.
♥ New York City reviews: I will complain about the subway, rave about the Brooklyn brunches, and pull my best poker face when describing the underground warehouse parties.
♥ Toilet-related things. Doodie is the best word in the world and I love talking about poop. It makes me happy and kind of proud. Hopefully you feel the same way.

That's about it! I hope everyone is pumped for the ride of their life. Since there's never a good way to end a post, especially your very first one, I'm just going to...