Some of My Favorite Things

Normally, I'm a big grumpypuss (grumpipuss? grumpy-puss?) and it takes quite a lot to lift my spirits. Despite that, there are a handful of small things that will turn my day completely around or at least force a temporary smile onto my face. These things are as follows:


♥ Walking by an intensely air-conditioned store in the summer and feeling the cold air rush over me for just a second.
♥ Free food at a restaurant or store for absolutely no reason.
♥ When my favorite song EVER randomly comes on Pandora (It's not Colors of the Wind by Pocahontas. I SWEAR).
♥ Eating the tip/first bit of pizza, pie, and cake and the middle/last bite (filled with all the toppings and sauces) of a sandwich or burger.
♥ Finally getting in bed after cleaning all the things and looking around at a spotless room.
♥ Getting a hand-written letter from somebody in the mail! It rarely happens and brings me back to 1865...when I wasn't alive.

Hellooooooo!

♥ Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathons on Logo and the Twilight Zone marathons on Sci-Fi.
♥ Putting on face masks, kicking back, feeling like Mrs. Doubtfire (but hotter, I hope), grabbing a snack, and watching some TV.
♥ When my antisocial cat, Shadow, grooms the back of my hand and therefore proves she actually loves me.
♥ SAM.
♥ Seeing a good Before & After (I'm looking at you, Promise Phan).
♥ Three-way calling two of my best friends like we're 14 again. Except now that we're older, we don't pretend that one of us isn't there while the other asks the unsuspecting friend leading questions about the quiet spy friend.
♥ This is a rare one, but when I take a picture with someone, look at it afterwards, and I actually look nice instead of like this.
♥ My rabbit starting to recognize me as the "treat-bearer" and following me everywhere. This, at a quick glance, looks and feels like love, devotion, and friendship.
♥ Playing a word for a ridiculous, obscene amount of points in Word Feud and practically sealing the game for myself.


That's about it. Other than the things on that list, there's really nothing that can make this Debbie Downer happy (unless calorie-free cheeseburgers are invented).  >:(

DISCLAIMER: All of that grumpy business is actually not true at all. I'm generally pleased and easy-to-please unless you change plans last minute on me, break/lose something of mine, are Natalie Portman, are against abortion/women's rights/equality/evolution/gay marriage, kill kittens, etc.

Product Review: Lush's Ultrabalm

I don't know why this post and my last post have both been so review-y. Maybe I'm under the illusion that people care about my opinions. Either way, I might review more shit in the future so hopefully these types of posts are tolerable.

I went to Sephora the other day to buy new makeup because I finally realized that the MAC Studio Fix Liquid Foundation I was wearing was a couple shades too dark and extremely cakey. I was expecting to go into Sephora, grab something by Make Up For Ever, and bounce (especially since I'm extremely awkward and avoid the sales associates like the plague). However, a very friendly Sephora employee, named Adrianne, approached me while I was trying to shade match myself for Make Up For Ever Duo Mat Powder Foundation and decided to go above and beyond the call of duty (haha doodie). After consulting with me about my skin type, she removed all of my makeup (she could tell I was really uncomfortable doing that, but was very supportive and told me it would help her find the best makeup for me), and told me she was going to try the Laura Mercier Oil-Free Tinted Moisturizer on my face. I had heard wonderful things about this product before and had actually considered getting it, so I was pumped. After she put some on with a pretty, fluffy brush that I ended up buying (sucker...) and added some Benefit Boi-ing Concealer, my skin tone was even and all of my small imperfections were covered up completely and naturally. I have very oily skin, so I have to wear a powder on top of the tinted foundation to set it so it doesn't slip off of my face, but other than that, it is absolutely perfect for me. And my face finally matches my neck!

Anyway, I kind of told you that little story so that I could segue into my next story. While she was taking off and putting on my makeup, the sales associate noticed that the area around my mouth, under my nose, and around my eyes was very dry and almost flaky/scaly. This was completely new territory for me because I have always had the oiliest skin ever and have never once had to deal with dry patches. I had thought that the flakiness was due to the cakey MAC foundation, but it was actually super dry skin! I was sent home with some Boscia exfoliator and a sample moisturizer to remedy my meth face. Unfortunately, despite the exfoliator and moisturizer making the rest of my skin radiant and smooth, the aforementioned areas were still dry and flaky. I was at a loss.

I started brainstorming yesterday in the late afternoon and remembered how I've heard a lot of people say Vaseline really helps them get rid of super-dry patches of skin. I didn't want to buy anymore things in case they didn't work so I thought a bit harder. Then, I remember that I had bought a mini tin of Lush's Ultrabalm from a very convincing sales lady (Lush sales people are simultaneously the best and the worst) about two months earlier. The mini tin was only $2 and I could bring it back in, empty, for 10% off (or something similar) the regular-sized Ultrabalm. Before bed last night, I slathered the balm on my upper-lip/under-nose area and all around my eyes.

This morning I woke up with perfectly smooth, flake-free skin. It was that simple and only took one night and $2 to fix. When I first bought Ultrabalm, it was described to me as "Lush's version of Vaseline, but without all of the crap in it and BETTER." That's exactly what it is. With an ingredient list solely of organic Jojoba oil, Candelilla wax, and Rose Wax, this is a must have for anybody with dry skin or anyone who has oily skin and discovers that their mouth is freakishly dry one day. The full size is $12.95 and a little bit goes a long way. Why are you still reading my post? GO BUY THIS SHIT.

Sephora's Return Policy: Store Credit For Your Receiptless Makeup

Sometimes in the world of retail shopping, there are precious secrets laying in wait for consumers to discover. These secrets are only uncovered after much trial and error and there is never a statement or list provided by the company that reveals them to the public. In the food and restaurant world, these are known as "off menu" items (such as Jamba Juice's White Gummy Bear Smoothie and the McDonald's McGangBang). When these secrets happen in retail, I like to refer to them as gold nuggets.

This post is about one of my favorite gold nuggets: the Sephora Return Policy. My friend Juin shared the details with me and before I knew it, I had traded in some old makeup from Sephora that I no longer use for $225 in store credit. $225!!!

Here are the rules: 


Bring A Valid Form of I.D.

My guess is that they do this so you don't become a serial returner (much like a serial killer but instead of killing people, you're killing their sales). If you've ever worked in retail before, there are people who constantly buy things and then come back a couple days or weeks later, like clockwork, to return it. This gold nugget cannot be a consistent habit and should not be repeated more than once per year (this excludes one-off returns with appropriate receipts that happen throughout the year due to makeup-related gifts, misleading foundation colors, etc). You do not need a receipt to return any of these products; as long as Sephora still sells it, they will take the item back for store credit without a receipt. Seriously.


Clean Up Your Shit

By all means, dig through your bathroom cabinets and line-up all of the Sephora makeup you don't use anymore and look it up on the Sephora website (to make sure they still sell it - this is exactly what I did). But if you think you're going to show up with a Nars blush that has food particles embedded on the cover and fungus growing on it and return it for a full store credit, you are delusional. I mean, if you owned a store and someone tried to return something to you that you needed to handle with latex gloves, would you accept it? Probably not. Just take a Clorox disinfecting wipe or even a wet paper towel and make your makeup look as brand spankin' new as possible. It's incredibly easy and will make them 114% more likely to take it backsies.


Use Some of It, But Not All of It

They expect things to be returned used: after all, you have to try the product in order to decide that you don't like it. Hell, you can even use half of it and still return it for the full amount because Sephora figures that you really wanted to give the product an honest try. If you use the whole entire bottle/jar/compact/what have you, then you are attempting to return garbage. Sephora is nice and willing to help you, but they're not stupid.


Feign Illness

For whatever reason, Sephora is much more likely to accept a return if whatever makeup you bought fucked up your life. This means that it burned your skin, caused a rash, made your skin dry and flaky, clogged your pores, caused you to break out in pimples/hives, or any other ailments you can think of that are realistic (Leprosy and Typhoid will not work). This tip was given to me by the same friend who recommended this gold nugget and she got it directly from a Sephora security guard. This works especially well if all of the products you are returning are from one line or brand. I was able to return seven different Bare Minerals products I bought at Sephora by saying that they all burned my skin and left me with a rash. Gross and hyperbole, but plausible and successful.


Remember: There Isn't Only One Employee or One Sephora Store

If you go to return your products and are shown the door, always remember that there are more employees at that store and that there are other Sephoras in the world. Come back on another day and try again or even better, go to a different Sephora and give it a whirl. There will always be stricter employees and stricter stores so don't let being turned down defeat you; It is their secret gold nugget policy to accept anything for store credit that follows the above rules.


So that's it! I usually don't do two posts on the same day, but I was inspired to share how today, I cleaned off my makeup with Clorox wipes, waltzed to the Sephora four blocks away from my job, and was able to return $225 worth of Sephora makeup that has just been sitting, unused, around my bathroom. Give it a try.


EDIT: Comments have been locked on this post as I have been called dirty/filthy, a bitch, told that my parents should be ashamed of me, and the worst kind of person (Not murderers, rapists, or child molesters, right? Just me returning Sephora makeup at Sephora...) simply for reiterating the return policy of a company in order to help out those who would like to save money on unwanted Sephora products and are uninformed. I will not tolerate unwarranted harassment on my blog for a lax corporate policy over which I have no authority and which exists for every customer, beyond my personal purchases.

How I Got Surfer Girl Waves With Random Stuff In My Apartment

Ok, so maybe it wasn't really random stuff in my apartment because I never go grocery shopping or live with anyone who keeps normal things stocked, but if you do, then you're in luck!

60 lbs heavier and many years ago
with my best friend and John Frieda sprayed hair

Throughout my high school years and a bit beyond, I gave up on the hair-straightening trend and wore my hair naturally. I am lucky enough to already have tight waves/loose curls, but I still needed to use a product to define them and prevent frizz. I fell in love with John Frieda Beach Blonde Ocean Waves Sea Spray. It made my hair magically beachy and smelled deliciously of coconut and suntan lotion. It was unlike any other product because it was separated like oil and water and you had to shake it up in order to mix the two parts before you used it. Sadly, sometime after 2005, it was discontinued (dun dun DUNNN). I never found anything that quite did what this product did for me and so, I started to wear my hair straight again.

Recently, I've noticed a huge trend of salt water beachy wave sprays coming onto the market (ex: GOSH Professionals Salt of Mine Spray). After ruminating on purchasing one for almost an entire day, it dawned on me: isn't this shit just sea salt and water? I started doing some research and it turns out I was 100% right (more like 73%)! You do have to add something hydrating to the spray since salt is really drying, but other than that, this is the easiest recipe for awesome hair I've ever found.

You will need:

♥ An empty spray bottle (if it was previously used, make sure you clean it really well because no one wants Clorox hair). If you're weird about these things, like I am, you can just go to the travel section of your local pharmacy or The Container Store (but BE CAREFUL because you might end up organizing things that nobody needs to organize like free makeup samples and rabbit food), and buy a spray bottle.
♥ Good ol' H2O
♥ Sea salt (If you live near the ocean, feel free to just bring the spray bottle to the sea itself and take water directly from there)
♥ A Conditioner that's on the heavier side
♥ Olive oil (I went to the "ethnic" section of my local pharmacy and bought olive oil that's specifically for hair but many sites say you can just use regular olive oil...the choice is yours)

First, I put a couple tablespoons of the sea salt in the water. I find the salt dissolves easier when the water is hot, but you do you. Add as much salt as you like (remember, you can always add more); the more salt, the beachier/piecier your hair will look. Then, add enough conditioner and olive oil so that they make up about 1/3rd of the spray bottle. The conditioner and olive oil should be in equal parts. Finally, just take a shower per usual, wash your hair, towel dry so that your hair is damp, shake the bottle to mix up the ingredients, and spray all over your head liberally. I have bangs, so I obviously avoided those and styled them normally. If you have areas of your hair you want straight-ish, don't spray there (but if I have to explain that, I'm not even sure you'll be able to make the spray so...). You can also spray on more once your hair dries if certain areas look less defined than others. Note: if you have pin-straight hair, it's going to come out pin-straight and awkwardly piecy, which will probably make it look filthy. This is not a miracle, wave-creating spray. Scrunching it does make it curl up a bit (A BIT, people), but you should expect the same results that you get from dipping your head into the ocean. It's more for definition and less for making curls/waves out of thin air (or hair! har har har). I achieved the same exact results as when I used to use the John Frieda spray and I also got to feel sort of like a mad scientist. The benefits are endless.

I Spit on Myself In My Sleep

Not once, or even twice; I've hock-tooied all over my own face at least three times this year alone. Before you become concerned, it's not a matter of extreme self-loathing. Last night, for example, I dreamed that someone was feeding me loose powder makeup and then I woke up to me spitting all over myself. It's like some unintentional, recreation of a Flavor of Love episode except I don't even get to fight anybody.

This picture sort of looks like it could be from a dream.

These aren't the only recurring dreams I have that affect me in real life. I have zombie dreams at least once a week, if not more. That probably has something to do with the fact that I am constantly talking about zombies. Why? Because I heart them and I can't wait for the zombie apocalypse. The dreams, however, wake me up and then leave me paralyzed in fear because my brain makes me think I'm still participating in the zombie apocalypse and that I fell asleep on the job. Suddenly, my roommate who got up to go to the bathroom is a rabid zombie ready to bite my face off and here I am, NAPPING.

I'm not sure if this post really has a point, other than to tell you that I spit on myself in my sleep sometimes and love zombs. I guess it could be worse though, right? I've definitely had dreams about peeing and pooping and have yet to wake up covered in my own excrement (thank God). But at this rate, who knows? If I can spit on myself while I'm unconscious, what awaits me in the future?

Beauty Secrets

Now that Blogger has decided to stop being a pain in the ass, I've decided to write a post about the beauty products that I simply cannot live without. These are the products I would take with me if I were stranded on a deserted island where I had to look fierce at all times because the palm trees were really judgey.



Kiehl's Blue Herbal Moisturizer

After breaking out unexpectedly in the grossest pimples early this winter, I was recommended this moisturizer by a friend of mine. I have tried Kiehl's products before and wasn't too impressed; they do let you sample pretty much anything if you ask for it and their tea-scented chapstick is delicious (but maybe you're not supposed to eat chapstick?). Either way, I was incredibly desperate so I gave this moisturizer a whirl. Within three days of using it, my skin had cleared up entirely. I still use it today and I get maybe one or two barely-noticeable pimples per month. It does have salicylic acid in it which happens to increase oil production in a lot of people, so moisturize with caution! If you have oily skin, like I do, I would recommend not using it everyday (my dermatologist recommended using it 2-3 times per week and he's a doctor so I guess that's pretty legit).



Benefit High Beam Illuminator

I never knew the importance of being dewy until I bought this little, shimmering bottle and experienced it first hand. I always use it after all of my foundation, concealer, and blush are applied and a little goes a long way. I immediately go from looking like a used-up piece of chalk to an iridescent extra from Fern Gully. Benefit also makes another variation called Moon Beam, but from what I hear, High Beam is where it's at when it comes to illuminator. It's recommended to apply it according to this diagram, but if you want to apply less, that's ok too. If you want to apply more, you run the risk looking sweaty and creepy. The creamy texture of High Beam lets you paint little dots onto your face using the brush applicator and then rub it in with your fingertip to blend it. You won't regret buying it. Trust me.




Covergirl LashBlast Volume Blasting Waterproof Mascara 
(in Very Black 800)

This mascara was recommended to me by my friend Emily who has the best eyelashes I've ever seen. I had been using DiorShow since I was about sixteen years old but when I saw her dark, thick, long eyelashes, I knew I was doing something wrong. LashBlast is less than half the price of my old favorite but about ten times better. The thick formula pumps up my eyelashes to extreme latitudes and longitudes. I would recommend using a lash comb post application because after a couple of coats, this mascara can clump up a bit (one pass with the aforementioned comb will fix the clumps and separate your lashes). The result is a blink of the eye that makes men and women everywhere drop their pants.

Carmex Cherry Chapstick

Since I was a little girl, I've been using this chapstick. My father has been using it since the 90s (and probably even before that aka the Jurassic period) and I can credit him with getting me hooked on the stuff. The soothing, mentholy feeling it leaves on my lips is like none other and one night sleeping with it on will turn any dry, cracked lips into a plush, healthy pout. This product has been essential to me since not only do I have huge lips, but I like to pick at them constantly. It's a horrible, self-destructive habit that has left me with bloody lips and painful cuts on more than one occasion. Keeping Carmex on my lips not only prevents me from picking them (who wants slimy, chapstick fingers?), but it heals the damage I've already done in record time. I would recommend wearing a thin layer of it under any gloss or lipstick to keep lips protected even when you want a more colorful look.


Burt's Bees Tinted Lip Balm

I cannot tell you how long I'd been searching for a tinted lip balm like this one; something moisturizing but with the tiniest hint of color. I was cursed with non-pigmented lips that, without any color on them, are a couple of

shades lighter than the skin on my face. It's a look that only zombies and Frankensteins could love, and the latter isn't single. This balm comes in six different colors (of which I own Rose and Tiger Lily) and isn't runny and glossy or thick and tacky like most tinted lip balms out there. It also isn't drying like most lipsticks. It goes on smoothly, keeps lips hydrated, and ads just a hint of color. The results are rosy/peachy lips that have a slight sheen to them and are the natural lip color that you've always dreamed of.



Bobbi Brown Long-Wear Gel Eyeliner 
(in Black Ink)


Liquid and pencil eyeliner should be wearing dunce caps in a corner somewhere now that this eyeliner is in play. It goes on smoothly without smudging or running and lasts until you're ready to take it off (I've even slept

in it and woke up looking like groggy version of Anna Karina in Une Femme est une femme). It's absolutely perfect for that winged, cat-eye look that we all know and love. I apply it using a Sephora Angled Eyeliner Brush that creates a perfect, straight line from even the most unstable hands. I used to spend almost an hour in the bathroom trying to perfect my winged eyeliner and 84 filthy Q-tips later, my eyeliner would still be crooked, smudged, and uneven. Now I just follow this tutorial and it's like the eyeliner does the work for me. Your friends that have been waiting for hours for you every time they want to go out will thank me.



Lush Big Shampoo

The tiniest, quarter-sized amount of this shampoo will lather up your huge-ass head. My head is like an orange on a toothpick and my hair is as thick as a lions, but this shit really works to get the suds going without having to use gallons of it. I used to go through one, Costco-sized bottle of shampoo per month, but I'm still on my first pot of Big and I bought it back in January. Not only that, there's still over half left! The sea salt, lime, and

other deliciously-edible, margarita-esque ingredients pump up the volume in your hair without frizzing it up. It also makes my hair act as memory foam; Big will actually hold your hairstyle even without hairspray. Make sure to use a very thick conditioner, only on the ends, since the sea salt can be very drying. Also, don't be afraid to stop into Lush and ask for a free sample at the register. The sample alone will last you a couple of weeks and you can get a feel for what I'm talking about. Warning: the sales people are very friendly and even more convincing. Whatever you do, do not buy everything in the store. I don't care how much willpower you think you have, it will all go down the drain with the washed-off cupcake mask that they just tested out on your forearms.



Organix Moroccan Argan Oil

We've all heard of how amazing the expensive, Moroccan Oil brand line of products are and how they turn even the nastiest mops into spun gold. Well, below are the ingredients for both products:

Cyclopentasiloxane, Dimethicone, Cyclomethicone, C 12 15 Alkyl Benzoate, Butylphenyl Methylpropional, Argania Spinosa (Argan) Kernel Oil (Argan), Linum Usitatissimum (Linseed) Extract (Linseed), Parfum, Yellow 11, Red 17.

Cyclopentasiloxane, Dimethicone, Cyclomethicone, Butylphenyl Methyl Propional, Argania Spinoza Kernel Oil (Aragan Oil), Linseed (Linum Usitatissimum) Extract, Fragrance Supplement, D & C Yellow 11, D & C Red 17, Coumarin, Benzyl Benzoate, Alpha-Isomethyl Ionone.




I bet you couldn't guess that the first one, the one with less additives, is the Organix brand moroccan oil! With a price difference of $23.96 ($30.99 for Moroccan Oil, $7.03 for Organix Moroccan Argan Oil via Amazon.com), it's clear which one is the right choice. I apply about a quarter-sized amount (remember: very long and thick hair here) to all of my hair when it's damp and then, on days when I don't wash my hair (which is a lot more than I'd like to admit because I'm disgusting), I apply a dime-sized amount to the ends only to keep them nice and hydrated. My hair maintains the luster and smoothness afforded by a luxury product and I can use that extra $23.96 to buy cheeseburgers.



That's it! I hope you had fun! Feel free to jack my style and use all of these products or use none at all and continue living your lives.

My First Chocolatey Post

Chocolate, but not my chocolate.

So this is the very beginning of it all. The first post ever on the first page ever of my first blog ever (except not really, I have like five others). What better way to kick this baby off than to start off by telling the world how much chocolate I just ate? I'll describe it as best as I can (even though I sort of blacked out during) so you can feel as if you were there with me.

I was minding my own business, finished up the leftover Mongolian BBQ from yesterday's lunch, when a coworker quietly suggested I try some Kinder Shoko-Bons. After having consumed my body mass in Kinder Buenos yesterday, I really didn't have the will power to refuse. The four Shoko-Bons were immediately followed by four Dark Chocolate Hershey Kisses, four triangular pieces of a Milk Chocolate Toblerone, two Hershey Krackel fun-size bars (fun-size indeed), one mini Milky Way, and one mini Almond Joy (which I promptly told to fuck off since I've never liked coconut involved in my business affairs). At this point, I was using the more pedestrian chocolate as palate-cleansers for the European and Mexican chocolates we had leftover from team members' various vacations. It was finally brought to my attention that I had been doing laps around the immediate office area and shoving whatever resembled chocolate into my face. As most of you may know, this is quite the dangerous endeavor when you remember how much chocolate going into your body resembles chocolate coming out of your body. Now that I've slowed down, I'm finally writing this first entry after hours of tinkering in the "Design" tab but mainly, I can't stop thinking about the more chocolate that's a couple of feet away from me.




Anyway, now that story time is out of the way, I'm sure you want to know what kind of shit to expect from my blog in the future:

♥ Food is at the very top of the list. Even if my post isn't about food at all, there might be pornographic pictures of food. This is how I roll (mmm now I want a roll).
♥ How my life relates to various episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and what this means when discussing my general mental health and well-being.
♥ Makeup and clothes: why I buy so many, where on my body I put them, and if they stop being used after the second or third go and remain in a drawer/closet for the rest eternity.
♥ I might explain why I hate any fictional media involving space. I also might not and you'll just have to come to terms with that.
♥ Feminism, sexism, racism, and ableism. Expect a lot of isms.
♥ Things that make you go "Awwww" and then your eyes or ovaries (provided you have a set) explode. An example of this is the YouTube video, Cookie Monster. May the first sentence of this bullet serve as a warning when watching this. I will not be held responsible for any dangly eyes or splodey ovaries.
♥ New York City reviews: I will complain about the subway, rave about the Brooklyn brunches, and pull my best poker face when describing the underground warehouse parties.
♥ Toilet-related things. Doodie is the best word in the world and I love talking about poop. It makes me happy and kind of proud. Hopefully you feel the same way.

That's about it! I hope everyone is pumped for the ride of their life. Since there's never a good way to end a post, especially your very first one, I'm just going to...