Children's Movies Are Way Different Now That My Brain Is Fully Formed

So you're a bit melancholy and one of your favorite childhood movies is on TV. SCORE. There is nothing more comforting than watching something that was last seen through eyes that lacked responsibility, reason, and bladder control. You snuggle up with a stuffed animal and other cozy things like tea and fire and get ready to tingle from head to toe with nostalgia. But wait...what's this? Your favorite childhood movie is about...no it can't be...NAZIS? RIDICULOUSLY SEXY MEN? CAPITALISM? THE SUFFRAGETTES?

I'm talking about The Sound of Music and Mary Poppins. If you haven't taken a history class yet, please turn back now and enjoy your ignorant youth while you can. Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, let's move on. If children were rats (I've heard a lot of good points supporting this theory), Julie Andrews would be the pied piper. I was drawn to her voice like a moth to the flame (or a rat to the pipe, I guess?). Either way, I could not get enough of Maria or Mary, the creative singing babysitters. It's truly a shame that Julie Andrews blew up her voice with it's own awesomeness and can no longer serenade the world like old times. Her failed vocal surgery and subsequent limited-octave range undoubtedly caused most, if not all, of the natural disasters since 1997, but I digress (What else is new?).

Let's start with the Sound of Music, shall we? News flash: it wasn't just about children and singing and hills being filled with things. This movie revolved around the motherfucking Nazi invasion of Austria. Rolfe, Mr. "Sixteen Going on Seventeen" (Mr. Seventeen, for short), was a fucking Nazi tattletale douchebag. The wonderful concert held at the end? Do yourself a favor and rewatch that scene (I tried to find it on YouTube

I'm too sexy for World War 2.

for you but Julie Andrews hates sharing). Every member of the Von Trapp family is singing with sheer terror in their hearts to an audience of Führer-lovers. This is because they are all being held against their will and are desperately seeking a way out that ends in Captain Von Trapp maybe not becoming Captain Von Naziface. I guess he was so awesome in other wars as a captain that the the Nazi's wanted to recruit him? I don't know. It's not really clear. However, what is clear is how fucking FINE Captain Von Trapp is. My young mind never grasped this and thought he was just super mean and treated his children like dogs (which he does, but perhaps that can all be chalked up to PTSD and crippling loneliness). Also, raising six rats kids on your own has got to be a Goosebumps book or something. I would probably start using whistles and scare tactics to keep them in line too. Either way, I'd hit it like the fist of God.

Moving on, there's quite a lot of drama surrounding tuppence in Mary Poppins. Should it feed the birds? Should it be invested in a bank run by Dick Van Dyke in bad makeup? Obviously not the latter because the bank is a terrifying place filled with old, grouchy men and misery. These aforementioned grouchballs try to physically pry the tuppence out of young Michael's hand. I repeat: the bankers physically assault a child in order to make a profit. I translate: the bankers care only about financial gain and very little about the welfare of human beings. Sound familiar? I bet it does.

Not only that, the movie starts off with a wonderful song about the womens' rights movement. Have a listen:

I'm a soldier in a petticoat too, Mrs. Banks. But seriously, how fucking fierce is this bitch? I had no idea what this was even about when I was younger, let alone that there was a point in history where women weren't allowed to vote. Kudos, Mary Poppins, for being relevant to my interests regardless of what they are (dancing with exceedingly floppy cartoon penguins, disproportionate greed in the higher economic brackets, etc.) and no matter how old I am (I'm still interested in those penguins...).

This brings me to my final point, explain to your kids what is going on in these movies. Maybe times have changed and now that all children's movies are about riding adorable dragons and goofy talking Owen Wilsons cars, there really isn't any historical and political context for kids today to learn something from. HOWEVER, if you're plopping them down in front of a Julie Andrews' movie circa the mid-60s (and plenty other movies/time periods, I'm sure), then you owe it to them to be honest and upfront. If you leave it for them to discover on their own, you run the risk of raising a socially-unaware child who is furious with you in twenty years when they figure everything out themselves. I just wish I had someone to tell me how hot Captain Von Trapp was when I was seven.

Artist Review: Adele

I'm really just making this post because I have absolutely no idea what to write about and just want a platform where I can rave like a banshee about Adele. Before this, I spent about ten minutes trying to write a post combining science and sandwiches, but then I realized that I had no idea what I was talking about and am just really hungry/wanted to include HD pictures of sandwiches in a post. To fulfill the latter desire:

Get in mah bellay!

Now that I've been placated, let's talk about Adele. I have no idea where she came from, but it seems like I blinked my eyes and her complete discography was all over the radio and everyone and their mom knew who she was. Prior to finding the spotlight, Adele was hurt bad. I mean real bad. That, or she is extremely creative and imaginative because almost every song's message is "I love you but ow, my heart" or "You really cut me deep and now I'm going to fuck up your shit." Her voice is like an angel's wet willie and I find myself listening to her albums on repeat. I also find myself singing with her, full blast and pants-less, in my room at 1:00am on a Sunday night (Monday morning?). But that's a different story. Her single, Rolling In The Deep, sounds like Etta James or Tina Turner but BETTER (yea, I said it). I have yet to have a negative reaction to my semi-fascist force-people-to-sit-down-and-listen-to-Adele sessions.

On top of all her mad harmonious skillz, Adele is just an awesome person. She is a curvier lady who does not give a single fuck about the beauty standards of society and the pressure that is put on her in the music industry to look a certain way. Below are some of Adele's most fabulous, body-positive quotes:

FUCK. YES. Reading stuff like this makes me feel incredibly empowered as woman who constantly struggles with loving her body (don't we all?). To stand up and say stuff like this, without shaming the other women who choose to go a different, more provacative, route, takes a lot of cajones and cerebros (that's balls and brains for you non-Spanish speakers [I don't speak Spanish either. I had to ask Sam, which led to me wondering if Spanish zombies moan "Cerebrossssssss..."]). Anyway, now I'm distracted by zombie thoughts and by how many parentheses are in the previous sentence. Punctuation, y u make me sad? Moving forward, Adele is a positive role model for women everywhere to learn to love themselves, respect other women, and do what's right and comfortable for them without judging and putting down others. Behind those angelic wet willies is a woman worth listening to, both with accompaniment and without.

I think that concludes this installment of "Taylor's Unfocused And Grammatically Offensive Tirades," or as you like to call it, "http://majorstranger.blogspot.com/." To sum up everything that's been discussed, here is a picture of Adele eating a sandwich (burgers are sandwiches, right?):

Out of Creative Juices: What Squirtle Reads In The Summer And More!

So I thought long and hard (that's what she said!) about what I could write about in this post. At first, I thought I'd write about love and reminisce about that time I gave my high school boyfriend a box filled with miscellaneous candy and a bra of mine with a broken clasp for Valentine's Day and thought it was the most romantic shit ever. In retrospect, I hope one of his parents found that bra and had some cross-gender-y speculations about him. This idea was ruled out because that's really the only funny story from my past relationships that won't completely embarrass the other party (normally, I wouldn't care, but they can see this blog from my Facebook and I really don't need to remind the world about how they cried hysterically while eating ice pops that one time). I then decided that I would write about all the characters I've shared apartments with the past six years, some of whom I'm still good friends with. This idea was also vetoed because while some people may be proud that they accidentally sleep-peed in my closet, I think it's safe to assume that most people would feel profound, public shame. As a last resort, I decided to take a poll on which topic(s) I should discuss in my next post. My prayers (statuses?) were answered.


Angel vs. Riley vs. Spike
Suggestion by Lily T.

If these three words mean nothing to you, then you mean nothing to me. So who's the best man for Buffy Summers? Let's start with some pros and cons.

Angel AKA Angelus AKA Liam

Pros

♥ Out of the three suitors, he is the sexiest.

♥ He is old, wise, loyal, and strong; the most helpful boyfriend in Buffy's slaying adventures. He is known to come back to Sunnydale to help fight the bigger monsters and always has Buffy's back.

♥ A very mild-mannered vamp, Angel rarely gets into disagreements with Buffy and is usually nothing but supportive and loving.
♥ Angel is a true romantic and expresses his love for Buffy in actions, words, affection, and gifts (not going to lie, I bought myself a claddagh ring after Surprise aired).

♥ He is the sexiest.

Cons

♥ Despite being the sexiest (third time's a charm!), he can NEVER have sex. Ever. Blue lady balls forever.
♥ If he does, or if someone works the voodoo on him, he can turn into an evil version of himself (Angelus) from his soulless, vampire past. When he changes, he is an almost unstoppable evil force.
♥ Despite being on the Earth for God-knows-how-long and being a katrillion years older than Buffy, he can sometimes be extremely immature, petty, and jealous.
♥ Angel is a vampire and will therefore never be able to go out to dinner with Buffy, hang out with her during the day (unless he can repair the Gem of Amarra), and he will continue to look young and handsome while she withers and wrinkles. Hawt.
♥ Long-distance became an issue when Angel moved to Los Angeles. If they wanted to rekindle their romance, Buffy or Angel would either have to move or travel 6-7 hours every other weekend in order to see each other.

Riley Finn (no nicknames because he is THAT BORING)

Pros

♥ Human! Riley is human and this sets him apart from both Angel and Spike. He can do normal things with Buffy and have a normal life with her.
♥ He has military experience and can help Buffy fight all sorts of demons and give her access to high-tech gear.
♥ The Scooby Gang (Xander, Willow, etc.) all seem to really love Riley and have never really disapproved of their relationship. It's always important that your friends like who you're dating!
♥ I wanted to try and get five pros for each guy on here.
♥ But it's really fucking hard to think of five positive things about Riley Finn.


Cons

♥ Pussy-whipped bitch. Riley has a tendency to occasionally turn into a back-stabbing, sniveling coward.
♥ He blindly follows authority figures without questioning their motives, sometimes leading to the creation of a mutant man-robot that wreaks havoc all over Sunnydale.
♥ When the tough gets going, Riley also gets going. He isn't there to comfort Buffy and can be found in crack houses being drained by sexy lady vampires. What kind of loyalty is that?
♥ Like Angel, Riley has also been known to turn on Buffy against his will (weird army drug withdrawal?).
♥ He is currently married to a foxy spy who is his perfect match.

Spike AKA William The Bloody

Pros

♥ The British accent. Everyone with an accent is hot. It's just science.
♥ He can sing like a mofo, as proven in Once More With Feeling.
♥ Dawn will never be without a babysitter and friend. Some may consider this a bad thing because Dawn sucks and should be left alone to pass away. I agree, but unfortunately this pro/con list is from Buffy's perspective and we're choosing a man based on what's best for her.
♥ Spike used to be a shy, hopeless romantic with a penchant for poetry. This means he carries some of that with him into vampirehood and, despite his very tough exterior, can be a softy on more than one occasion (mostly when he has a soul).
♥ His sense of humor is on point; Buffy has never had a funnier boyfriend.


Cons

♥ The whole vampire thing again, can't have a normal life, blah dee blah.
♥ Spike is intensely untrustworthy and selfish. Yes, he does have his moments where he puts on a necklace and kills himself via light, but throughout most of the series he's just a douchebag to everybody.
♥ HE TRIED TO RAPE BUFFY. The argument is that he didn't have a soul at the time, but I'm not buying it. It was still him doing it.
♥ His hair is pretty fucking disgusting. Billy Idol and only Billy Idol can pull off that hard platinum head-shell.
♥ Who lives in a fucking tomb? Spike does! A cold, windowless, stony, unfeeling tomb. Is that where you want to snuggle up with your boyfriend?


So, who should win Buffy's heart? It must be obvious by now that Riley won't win shit. He just makes me want to fall asleep forever. That's right, his personality makes me want to DIE.  So for me, it's always been between Angel and Spike and I must say, in the later seasons when Angel wasn't around, I warmed up to Spike a lot. But, and this is a huge, Kim Kardashian butt, he still attempted to RAPE Buffy. Rape is serious and regardless of whether someone has changed, sought therapy, and/or acquired a soul through a series of weird physical challenges in a cave, they should never be forgiven. Spike will never be deserving of Buffy's love because of this and so for me, and many other Buffy-lovers, the clear winner is Angel.

Squirtle's Summer Reading List

Suggested by Jon C.

If you're not well-versed in the Pokéarts, you might want to read this before trying to decipher this portion of the post. Below is my best estimation for Squirtle's summer reading list. Disclaimer: Obviously, this is 100% make-believe and silly because I do not know what deranged teacher (who completely disregards reading comprehension level) would assign such books together.

1. The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka
2. Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen
3. Franklin In The Dark by Paulette Bourgeois
4. Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk
5. Sex by Madonna
6. The Tortoise and the Hare by Aesop
7. Confessions of a Shopaholic by Sophie Kinsella
8. The Antichrist by Friedrich Nietzsche
9. The Odyssey by Homer
10. The Modern Kama Sutra: The Ultimate Guide to the Secrets of Erotic Pleasure by Kamini and Kirk Thomas
    

10 Things I'd Like To Do or Say To Anthony Weiner

Suggested by Mary W.

Again, if you don't know who this is or what he's been up to lately, I'd suggest taking a look here, and/or crawling out of that rock you've been living under, before reading on:

1. Shake him like a polaroid picture.
2. Smack him in the mouth.
3. Ask him what on Earth he was thinking.
4. Relax and allow him to talk to me more about his pro-choice stance.
5. Smile as I reminisce about what he could've done for New York, then smack him again for ruining it all.
6. Ask him if he sees the irony in his own last name being the catalyst of his downfall.
7. Hug him. I think he needs it.
8. Tell him he should name his unborn baby "Oscar Mayer Weiner."
9. Ask him to explain why he was unfaithful to his pregnant wife and why he went about it in such a creepy, Ted-Bundy-with-technology way.
10. Shake his hand, smack him one last time for good measure, and wish him luck on getting his shit in order. He needs it. Obama's not even on his side anymore.

That's it! I hope this random, suggestion-based post was good for you. It was a bit awkward for me, to be honest. I kind of want to shower now.

Why You Should Never Elect My Father For President

My father isn't a bad person. He's had some life struggles and a big chunk of his adolescence involved copious experimentation with a smorgasbord of drugs (I once asked him which drugs he hadn't tried, to which he respond, "Well, I never tried cocaine"). Sometimes I think that pieces of his brain disintegrated entirely somewhere between 1963 and 1978. In my childhood, I knew him as a lonely, bipolar alcoholic who, for obvious reasons, wasn't the best parent. But a lot has changed since I was a kid (such as being prescribed medication and kicking the sauce) and in the past couple of years, we've actually developed a somewhat friendly and stable relationship. Plus, he does one of the best Jerry Lewis impersonations I've ever seen.

Last night I went to dinner with my dad for the first time in a couple of months. We went to my favorite spot, Friend House, and he tried Pad See Ew for the first time in his life. We chatted about our jobs, my roommates (if you're reading this, you guys suck rule), our respective significant others (hi, Sam), and many other things. We even reminisced about that time I tried to add him as my father on Facebook and he rejected it twice and then, when I finally sent him a message asking him why, he responded with "Maybe I'm not." Dark, no? It wasn't until the topic switched over to politics that I was clutching my proverbial pearls.


And here's why:

♥ My dad is a tea-partier. I really don't need to expand on this.
♥ He thinks that the couple who recently decided to raise their children in a gender-free household should be sterilized, sent to jail, and have their kids taken away by Child Protective Services. These were his exact words.
♥ After ranting for a bit about how he believes that the government should have very little involvement in everything, I dared to ask him how he feels about abortion (my question was inspired by this Anthony Weiner video). First, he asked if his response could come with some sort rule set that he feels is morally accurate. I said absolutely not. By now you probably guessed that he did that anyway. My father's view on abortion is that he "is pro-choice as long as stupid girls don't repeatedly use if for birth control while places like Planned Parenthood pay for it free of charge with our tax money." I told him that this doesn't happen as often as he seems to think it does and that any instance of this is a reflection on the government's inability to provide proper sex education and resources to young women (especially in lower-income areas). You will

My dad: looks harmless, right?

see here and here, that no abortion at Planned Parenthood is free or paid for with taxes, but you probably already know that. I shared this with my father too. Unfortunately, it remained unabsorbed.
♥ Next, we decided to delve into gay marriage. What can I say? I needed to know. My dad thinks that committed homosexual couples should have the same rights as committed heterosexual couples but it should not be called "marriage." According to him, this is because "marriage" is defined as being between a man and a woman. I asked him if he meant that his argument was one about preserving sanctity. He said yes. I cited drunk, drive-through weddings in Las Vegas that get annulled the next day (think Britney Spears) as not preserving sanctity but still being legal. He said that that's just "goofing around." I asked him why we can't change the definition of marriage since our society is growing and changing from what it once was when these definitions were set in place. He said that if we change it to include LBGT people, what's next? Bestiality? Pedophilia? I told him that it was disgusting to even compare gay marriage to those things considering they are non-consenting and that by saying gay couples cannot call it "marriage" and cannot use the same terms as straight couples, is saying that they are unequal to straight couples. He said that these rules/definitions were founded upon Judeo-Christian morals and that everyone should respect these religions and follow their guidelines. I brought up the point that many Jewish movements support gay marriage and that other religions do not have to respect or follow any other religion's guidelines since this is a country that is supposed to separate church and state and uphold freedom of religion. He scoffed. For the record, my father isn't even religious.
♥ Finally, as the icing on the cake, he told me that he can't wait to stop working at his job because of how "ghetto" the students are. I would bet my life that what he meant to say was "black."


My co-worker, Scott, suggested that I should take his TV away from him. I concur. That, or I should just permanently block FOX News. I guess it just boggled my mind to actually know someone who believed, in earnest, all of these wackadoodle things I hear spouted from intolerant, right-wing mouths in the media. I wish there was a way to change my dad's mind and believe me, I've really tried to. You can't teach an old dog new tricks though, and 64 is REALLY old in dog years.