Some of My Favorite Things

Normally, I'm a big grumpypuss (grumpipuss? grumpy-puss?) and it takes quite a lot to lift my spirits. Despite that, there are a handful of small things that will turn my day completely around or at least force a temporary smile onto my face. These things are as follows:


♥ Walking by an intensely air-conditioned store in the summer and feeling the cold air rush over me for just a second.
♥ Free food at a restaurant or store for absolutely no reason.
♥ When my favorite song EVER randomly comes on Pandora (It's not Colors of the Wind by Pocahontas. I SWEAR).
♥ Eating the tip/first bit of pizza, pie, and cake and the middle/last bite (filled with all the toppings and sauces) of a sandwich or burger.
♥ Finally getting in bed after cleaning all the things and looking around at a spotless room.
♥ Getting a hand-written letter from somebody in the mail! It rarely happens and brings me back to 1865...when I wasn't alive.

Hellooooooo!

♥ Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathons on Logo and the Twilight Zone marathons on Sci-Fi.
♥ Putting on face masks, kicking back, feeling like Mrs. Doubtfire (but hotter, I hope), grabbing a snack, and watching some TV.
♥ When my antisocial cat, Shadow, grooms the back of my hand and therefore proves she actually loves me.
♥ SAM.
♥ Seeing a good Before & After (I'm looking at you, Promise Phan).
♥ Three-way calling two of my best friends like we're 14 again. Except now that we're older, we don't pretend that one of us isn't there while the other asks the unsuspecting friend leading questions about the quiet spy friend.
♥ This is a rare one, but when I take a picture with someone, look at it afterwards, and I actually look nice instead of like this.
♥ My rabbit starting to recognize me as the "treat-bearer" and following me everywhere. This, at a quick glance, looks and feels like love, devotion, and friendship.
♥ Playing a word for a ridiculous, obscene amount of points in Word Feud and practically sealing the game for myself.


That's about it. Other than the things on that list, there's really nothing that can make this Debbie Downer happy (unless calorie-free cheeseburgers are invented).  >:(

DISCLAIMER: All of that grumpy business is actually not true at all. I'm generally pleased and easy-to-please unless you change plans last minute on me, break/lose something of mine, are Natalie Portman, are against abortion/women's rights/equality/evolution/gay marriage, kill kittens, etc.

A-A-A-A-A-Alcohol

After a recent conversation over dinner with my long-time friend Emily, I decided to right a post revolving around most 20-something's favorite past time: dranking. Don't get me wrong, I love the sizzurp (Am I using that wrong? Does sizzurp have to contain cough syrup?), I just think it's pretty hilarious how we spend most of our leisure time consuming something that we absolutely hate the taste of. I know what you're thinking, "But Taylor, I love beer. I'm a beer connoisseur." No, you're not. And for that matter, you're not a wine connoisseur either. You might have grown to tolerate the taste or even somewhat enjoy it through some sort of weird, semi-Pavlovian response (beer leads to fun drunk times, you like fun drunk times, therefore you now like beer). The truth is, when you put alcohol up against caramel apple lollipops, bacon cheeseburgers, or extra crispy french fries, which tastes better? Not the damn alcohol.

Think about it: we're constantly mixing booze with other things in order to make it taste less like a bitter, unwashed armpit. The only reason you put a lot of alcohol in your drink, or get excited at the bar when the drink is strong, is because you want to get fucked up. If you're like me, your father used to like to play tricks

Normal reaction to alcohol

on you involving alcohol when you were a wee babby; waiting for you to ask for a sip of his "Sprite" which he knew was gin and tonic. Remember that spicy, carbonated applejuice? That Diet Coke that tasted like bubbly nailpolish remover? That pitcher of what seemed like water in the fridge that you chugged when you were ten and then exclaimed, "WHY IS THERE GASOLINE IN THE FRIDGE?" (oddly specific)? These experiences were your first foray into drinking alcohol and man, they were brutal. Nothing much has changed since then, and the taste of alcohol certainly hasn't. What's changed is you. You now know the results of muscling down that fakey water pitcher is being able to appreciate techno music on a deeper, more wiggly level rather than standing there with your arms crossed, looking unimpressed. You are now old enough to recognize the effect that alcohol has on you and so you tolerate the fact that is tastes like spermicidal lubricant in order to get that tipsy buzz we all know and love.

You can lie about it all you want. You can tell the world your favorite drink ever is a greyhound or a car bomb. But the truth is, we all know it's chocolate milk or peppermint tea. Why? Because they taste yummy! We don't need to mix them with other things in order for them to classify as passable to our palates or put them in a 1 ounce glass and shoot them directly to the backs of our throats before our taste buds even know what's happening. Next time you go to a restaurant and someone wants to order a super-fancy bottle of wine, think about it first. It's going to taste like vinegar-soaked gym socks no matter how much it costs or what year it was made in. Unless someone else is paying, save yourself the money and buy a shitty bottle. This way, you don't have pretend it tastes superior to the other, less expensive, wine you've tried when you're really thinking "Yep! This still tastes like rotten grapes and fear!" You can scowl and make all the blehhreherghe faces you usually suppress while drinking and blame it on the fact that the wine you ordered is sub par.

All that being said, I'm getting my drank on tonight.

Out of Creative Juices: What Squirtle Reads In The Summer And More!

So I thought long and hard (that's what she said!) about what I could write about in this post. At first, I thought I'd write about love and reminisce about that time I gave my high school boyfriend a box filled with miscellaneous candy and a bra of mine with a broken clasp for Valentine's Day and thought it was the most romantic shit ever. In retrospect, I hope one of his parents found that bra and had some cross-gender-y speculations about him. This idea was ruled out because that's really the only funny story from my past relationships that won't completely embarrass the other party (normally, I wouldn't care, but they can see this blog from my Facebook and I really don't need to remind the world about how they cried hysterically while eating ice pops that one time). I then decided that I would write about all the characters I've shared apartments with the past six years, some of whom I'm still good friends with. This idea was also vetoed because while some people may be proud that they accidentally sleep-peed in my closet, I think it's safe to assume that most people would feel profound, public shame. As a last resort, I decided to take a poll on which topic(s) I should discuss in my next post. My prayers (statuses?) were answered.


Angel vs. Riley vs. Spike
Suggestion by Lily T.

If these three words mean nothing to you, then you mean nothing to me. So who's the best man for Buffy Summers? Let's start with some pros and cons.

Angel AKA Angelus AKA Liam

Pros

♥ Out of the three suitors, he is the sexiest.

♥ He is old, wise, loyal, and strong; the most helpful boyfriend in Buffy's slaying adventures. He is known to come back to Sunnydale to help fight the bigger monsters and always has Buffy's back.

♥ A very mild-mannered vamp, Angel rarely gets into disagreements with Buffy and is usually nothing but supportive and loving.
♥ Angel is a true romantic and expresses his love for Buffy in actions, words, affection, and gifts (not going to lie, I bought myself a claddagh ring after Surprise aired).

♥ He is the sexiest.

Cons

♥ Despite being the sexiest (third time's a charm!), he can NEVER have sex. Ever. Blue lady balls forever.
♥ If he does, or if someone works the voodoo on him, he can turn into an evil version of himself (Angelus) from his soulless, vampire past. When he changes, he is an almost unstoppable evil force.
♥ Despite being on the Earth for God-knows-how-long and being a katrillion years older than Buffy, he can sometimes be extremely immature, petty, and jealous.
♥ Angel is a vampire and will therefore never be able to go out to dinner with Buffy, hang out with her during the day (unless he can repair the Gem of Amarra), and he will continue to look young and handsome while she withers and wrinkles. Hawt.
♥ Long-distance became an issue when Angel moved to Los Angeles. If they wanted to rekindle their romance, Buffy or Angel would either have to move or travel 6-7 hours every other weekend in order to see each other.

Riley Finn (no nicknames because he is THAT BORING)

Pros

♥ Human! Riley is human and this sets him apart from both Angel and Spike. He can do normal things with Buffy and have a normal life with her.
♥ He has military experience and can help Buffy fight all sorts of demons and give her access to high-tech gear.
♥ The Scooby Gang (Xander, Willow, etc.) all seem to really love Riley and have never really disapproved of their relationship. It's always important that your friends like who you're dating!
♥ I wanted to try and get five pros for each guy on here.
♥ But it's really fucking hard to think of five positive things about Riley Finn.


Cons

♥ Pussy-whipped bitch. Riley has a tendency to occasionally turn into a back-stabbing, sniveling coward.
♥ He blindly follows authority figures without questioning their motives, sometimes leading to the creation of a mutant man-robot that wreaks havoc all over Sunnydale.
♥ When the tough gets going, Riley also gets going. He isn't there to comfort Buffy and can be found in crack houses being drained by sexy lady vampires. What kind of loyalty is that?
♥ Like Angel, Riley has also been known to turn on Buffy against his will (weird army drug withdrawal?).
♥ He is currently married to a foxy spy who is his perfect match.

Spike AKA William The Bloody

Pros

♥ The British accent. Everyone with an accent is hot. It's just science.
♥ He can sing like a mofo, as proven in Once More With Feeling.
♥ Dawn will never be without a babysitter and friend. Some may consider this a bad thing because Dawn sucks and should be left alone to pass away. I agree, but unfortunately this pro/con list is from Buffy's perspective and we're choosing a man based on what's best for her.
♥ Spike used to be a shy, hopeless romantic with a penchant for poetry. This means he carries some of that with him into vampirehood and, despite his very tough exterior, can be a softy on more than one occasion (mostly when he has a soul).
♥ His sense of humor is on point; Buffy has never had a funnier boyfriend.


Cons

♥ The whole vampire thing again, can't have a normal life, blah dee blah.
♥ Spike is intensely untrustworthy and selfish. Yes, he does have his moments where he puts on a necklace and kills himself via light, but throughout most of the series he's just a douchebag to everybody.
♥ HE TRIED TO RAPE BUFFY. The argument is that he didn't have a soul at the time, but I'm not buying it. It was still him doing it.
♥ His hair is pretty fucking disgusting. Billy Idol and only Billy Idol can pull off that hard platinum head-shell.
♥ Who lives in a fucking tomb? Spike does! A cold, windowless, stony, unfeeling tomb. Is that where you want to snuggle up with your boyfriend?


So, who should win Buffy's heart? It must be obvious by now that Riley won't win shit. He just makes me want to fall asleep forever. That's right, his personality makes me want to DIE.  So for me, it's always been between Angel and Spike and I must say, in the later seasons when Angel wasn't around, I warmed up to Spike a lot. But, and this is a huge, Kim Kardashian butt, he still attempted to RAPE Buffy. Rape is serious and regardless of whether someone has changed, sought therapy, and/or acquired a soul through a series of weird physical challenges in a cave, they should never be forgiven. Spike will never be deserving of Buffy's love because of this and so for me, and many other Buffy-lovers, the clear winner is Angel.

Squirtle's Summer Reading List

Suggested by Jon C.

If you're not well-versed in the Pokéarts, you might want to read this before trying to decipher this portion of the post. Below is my best estimation for Squirtle's summer reading list. Disclaimer: Obviously, this is 100% make-believe and silly because I do not know what deranged teacher (who completely disregards reading comprehension level) would assign such books together.

1. The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka
2. Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen
3. Franklin In The Dark by Paulette Bourgeois
4. Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk
5. Sex by Madonna
6. The Tortoise and the Hare by Aesop
7. Confessions of a Shopaholic by Sophie Kinsella
8. The Antichrist by Friedrich Nietzsche
9. The Odyssey by Homer
10. The Modern Kama Sutra: The Ultimate Guide to the Secrets of Erotic Pleasure by Kamini and Kirk Thomas
    

10 Things I'd Like To Do or Say To Anthony Weiner

Suggested by Mary W.

Again, if you don't know who this is or what he's been up to lately, I'd suggest taking a look here, and/or crawling out of that rock you've been living under, before reading on:

1. Shake him like a polaroid picture.
2. Smack him in the mouth.
3. Ask him what on Earth he was thinking.
4. Relax and allow him to talk to me more about his pro-choice stance.
5. Smile as I reminisce about what he could've done for New York, then smack him again for ruining it all.
6. Ask him if he sees the irony in his own last name being the catalyst of his downfall.
7. Hug him. I think he needs it.
8. Tell him he should name his unborn baby "Oscar Mayer Weiner."
9. Ask him to explain why he was unfaithful to his pregnant wife and why he went about it in such a creepy, Ted-Bundy-with-technology way.
10. Shake his hand, smack him one last time for good measure, and wish him luck on getting his shit in order. He needs it. Obama's not even on his side anymore.

That's it! I hope this random, suggestion-based post was good for you. It was a bit awkward for me, to be honest. I kind of want to shower now.

My First Chocolatey Post

Chocolate, but not my chocolate.

So this is the very beginning of it all. The first post ever on the first page ever of my first blog ever (except not really, I have like five others). What better way to kick this baby off than to start off by telling the world how much chocolate I just ate? I'll describe it as best as I can (even though I sort of blacked out during) so you can feel as if you were there with me.

I was minding my own business, finished up the leftover Mongolian BBQ from yesterday's lunch, when a coworker quietly suggested I try some Kinder Shoko-Bons. After having consumed my body mass in Kinder Buenos yesterday, I really didn't have the will power to refuse. The four Shoko-Bons were immediately followed by four Dark Chocolate Hershey Kisses, four triangular pieces of a Milk Chocolate Toblerone, two Hershey Krackel fun-size bars (fun-size indeed), one mini Milky Way, and one mini Almond Joy (which I promptly told to fuck off since I've never liked coconut involved in my business affairs). At this point, I was using the more pedestrian chocolate as palate-cleansers for the European and Mexican chocolates we had leftover from team members' various vacations. It was finally brought to my attention that I had been doing laps around the immediate office area and shoving whatever resembled chocolate into my face. As most of you may know, this is quite the dangerous endeavor when you remember how much chocolate going into your body resembles chocolate coming out of your body. Now that I've slowed down, I'm finally writing this first entry after hours of tinkering in the "Design" tab but mainly, I can't stop thinking about the more chocolate that's a couple of feet away from me.




Anyway, now that story time is out of the way, I'm sure you want to know what kind of shit to expect from my blog in the future:

♥ Food is at the very top of the list. Even if my post isn't about food at all, there might be pornographic pictures of food. This is how I roll (mmm now I want a roll).
♥ How my life relates to various episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and what this means when discussing my general mental health and well-being.
♥ Makeup and clothes: why I buy so many, where on my body I put them, and if they stop being used after the second or third go and remain in a drawer/closet for the rest eternity.
♥ I might explain why I hate any fictional media involving space. I also might not and you'll just have to come to terms with that.
♥ Feminism, sexism, racism, and ableism. Expect a lot of isms.
♥ Things that make you go "Awwww" and then your eyes or ovaries (provided you have a set) explode. An example of this is the YouTube video, Cookie Monster. May the first sentence of this bullet serve as a warning when watching this. I will not be held responsible for any dangly eyes or splodey ovaries.
♥ New York City reviews: I will complain about the subway, rave about the Brooklyn brunches, and pull my best poker face when describing the underground warehouse parties.
♥ Toilet-related things. Doodie is the best word in the world and I love talking about poop. It makes me happy and kind of proud. Hopefully you feel the same way.

That's about it! I hope everyone is pumped for the ride of their life. Since there's never a good way to end a post, especially your very first one, I'm just going to...